Monday, April 05, 2010

I have made a commitment to journal every day. You people sure are lucky. It seems that I have lost the ability to journal without a public forum. Can you believe that once I even kept a loose leaf journal that no one read but me? I keep trying to ressurect that habit but it just isn't working for me anymore. Yesterday after church we went out to eat Chinese food and they ended up sitting the little tray of fortune cookies in front of me so I ate two instead of one. My first fortune said that I would soon run into someone from my past. Now I have t o say that I was not too excited about this as the last person from my past that I "ran" into I would rather have run over. I don't know why I would care what a stupid fortune cookie said it's not like I was going to run out and buy a lotto ticket with my lucky numbers on the other side. The little strip in the second cookie said that I would be receiving good news. My subconscious must be working over time because last night I had a dream where s person from my past gave me good news. It was a perfectly weird dream like all of the traditional movies that play in my mind. I'll blog about it later if I still remember it by then. Odds are that I won't. The jist of it was that "Now is the time to be happy". Right now I need to press the publish button, so that just in case I don't get back to the computer today I will at least get credit for todays effort or does it still count even if I don't publish it?

Thursday, April 01, 2010

The intentions of men and fear of intimacy

Last night I was working with L at the concession stand. A friendly father was making idle conversation with us and asked L what kind of guys she liked. I immediately went into fierce mother lion mode and answered for her. "None!", I said "she is 13!" L took her cue from me and put him on her weirdo radar and ignored him for the rest of the evening. I know that L likes boys, though she is hardly boy crazy in comparison to her peers but I find it very inapropriate for a man we hardly know to be asking her about such things. I am always suspect of the intentions of men when it comes to my daughter or any of my children for that matter.

I have been thinking about Cleo's dirty men blog and it reminds me that there once was a time when I had intimacy issues. I've never had an issue's with lovers that I have noticed, just in all other normal areas. If I shook someones hand I would be the first one to pull away. It wasn't a germ phobia or even something that I was consciously aware of until I had someone point it out to me. I have only very recently (like the last five years become comfortable with hugging those I love). This does not apply to my children, I am very affectionate with them. I still do not really like hugging people that I do not love. Of course I blame my parents for this. They were never spontaneously affectionate or it could have been that I am naturally just a cold person. Although I don't view myself that way.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

You know you haveproblems when you start quoting yourself

"I live for them and live through them, through my children God works to cure me of my selfish nature." ~Ying

Friday, March 19, 2010

Dirty Men?

I have noticed for the past month I have been really annoyed. And at men in particular. I am assuming its just a phaze (a rather long one if you ask me). But it got so bad today that I yelled at my boss. Here's what happened: I was sitting at my desk, typing away when my boss walks by and puts his hand out. Usually I respond with a high five or a "get over yourself". Today I yelled, "Why are you always wanting to touch me! You cant just leave me alone can you and let me do my work?!"
"What is wrong with you lately?"
"I am just sick of everyone wanting to touch me! Carlos and Juan are always hugging me hell and goodbye! Its so annoying! I just don't want to be touched!"
"Okay. I will let them know that."
He proceeded to go into the lab. He came back to my desk with Carlos and Juan and notified them that it was new company policy not to hug me anymore. In response I said, "Thats all I wanted. Was that so hard to tell them that?"
"No, it wasn't." And he walked away.
I was over reacting, right?
I mean, what the hell is wrong with me! I cringe at the sight of a man trying to touch me and then I snap at them or just tolerate it and become extremely cranky. I don't know what my problem is.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Love drugs and chicken thighs

Lately I have been noticing how I am completely over that devil. So I've been wondering if I ever really loved him at all. I am not thinking about it so much, I guess it is kind of irrelevant. I had the weirdest dream last night.
There was a teenage boy and a girl both of them kind of homely and awkward and they were snuggled up next to each other in a car waiting for someone. They were talking about how they should just be friends even though it was rather nice holding hands. A woman got in the driver seat, she was going to drive them home. The smell of alcohol on her was strong and she was completely intoxicated. Her driving was scaring the kids, she stopped some where to score drugs and I yelled at the kids to get out of the car. I told them that walking was preferable to losing there lives. They listened to me. we began walking together, through darkened neighborhoods. The drunk bitch kept hounding them to get back in the car. She started walking with us, claiming that she was not drunk. I told her that she was wasting her life then she layed down on the sidewalk and I thought she was dead so I touched her and she started bitching again. I yelled at her, I said do you know the only difference between me and you? I love my family and you do not. The boy said she's just dead inside and so I picked her up and put her in my take out bag with my fried chicken. Apparently she shrunk a bit if she was small enough to fit in the bag. We kept walking. The sun came up and I we noticed a hungry boy following us. He asked if he could have a piece of chicken. I gave him a thigh. I remember thinking that he must be very hungry to ask complete strangers for food. The End ( I don't think I have any dreams that are not weird )

Go ahead try and find meaning in this one, I dare you.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

LOVE

Who's to say what love is? Everyone loves in their own ways and in their own time. Sometimes we will love someone and never stop loving them. Other times we will love someone and then fall out of love with them and even more times we will fall in love with someone, and ends in up despising that person more than we ever thought we could. Their are friendship loves. Where you love someone so much and you would do anything for them, even dodge a bullet. Their are loves for your pets. Where its almost like you treat your pet as more of your own flesh and blood than an animal. You love their company and in return, they love you unconditionally. The feeling is mutual. Their are romantic loves where you get butterflies and your stomach feels like all it has in is air whenever you see that person. And you can't get enough of them. The type of love where you want to make love to the 24 hours a day. Where you want to see them the minute you wake up and the second just before you fall asleep. Where even if they became fat, old, mentally or physically handicapped you would take care of them for as long as they lived. Where sometimes you love them so much that it hurts. You may get into arguments and even call eachother bad names, but in the end you always want to kiss and make up and tell the one you love that everything is going to be alright. Its the love that you keep leaving, but always go back to. The one that you accept all their faults even though they can seem impossible at times and just move forward. The one that you spend the most time and effort on more than anything else in your life. The one who can tell your secrets to and you know they wont tell anyone else. The one wheere you make faces, do little dances, and swear like a sailor and they just laugh or if your lucky join in on your silliness. The one who might even create a goofy language that only you and them can possibly understand. And whenever everyone else hears it they either freak out or begin barfing in their mouths. Thats the love thats the strongest. Thats the love that lasts the longest. And thats the love that I had.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Secrets

I really dont understand why someone who has been told a secret tells the secret to someone else. What dont you get about the meaning of the word, secret? It means you are not suppose to tell anyone else about it. Ever. And then that said person wonders why they have had countless arguments, and needless drama with the people that have confided in them. They wonder why it comes back to them and bites them in the ass.
And I absolutely cant stand when I confess a secret to someone and they immediately tell someone else. And then that someone else tells another. Its a vicious circle. It just keeps going and going and never stops. Nothing good ever comes of it. All that comes of it is lies, misunderstandings, and hurt. Just when I start trusting someone they have to go and ruin it for not only themselves but also for the next batch of people I meet. Why can't people learn to just shut up sometimes?!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My friend D is getting a community award tonight for being awesome. Some people will not like this because they don't recognize her utter fabulousness. That is probably because she does all her work undercover like a secret agent and doesn't brag about anything to anyone. That is part of her charm. I guess I am anxious with anticipation because last night I had a typical Ying dream.
I made the centerpiece for our banquet table and it was by far the best one there. A woman I had never seen before was about to present D's award to her. The woman started rambling about D's accomplishments only all the things she was saying were not true. She was just up there rambling random shit. It really pissed me off. I wanted to kick that gal in her big white ass. I just sat there stewing through the whole speech and then at the end the winner for the table decorating contest was announced. It was not our table.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

For L

Friday, February 19, 2010

the life of the nuetrophil Deficient

Long long ago when I was training to become a literacy tutor for adults I had to take a hard look at how I thought about the non reading population in the world. I always figured if you couldn't read it meant you didn't read books and couldn't spell. It was until after going through the program that it hit me that these people cant read groceries, street signs, a medicine bottle. And there I learned how devastating not mastering that one little thing could be. They weren't stupid, Some were even millionaires they just never sat down and learned the code for reading. It was a life I couldn't imagine having been an avid reader since I was 4.

Cancer is a lot like that, You hear about chemotherapy, In transplants you hear about immune suppression to keep rejection levels down. But until you live there you just cant quite understand it. When you are born you are gifted through your mothers blood supply with an amazing amount of antibodies and a perfect new little body specially made to fight off the little things in life. If your mother breast feeds you are gifted with continued protection while you grow. From birth on every cold, flu, cat scratch, upset stomach, and other ailments you get cause the development of antibodies to protect you from every getting that particular strain again. The reason you only get chicken pox and measles once and also the reason that people who are generally healthy and don't work in group environments tend to get fewer colds and such as they get older. as least until the virus or bacteria mutates.

By the time you are 40 you have immunity to a vast array of common disease that lives in our world on an everyday basis. What helps develop these immunities and the front line in disease control in your body is a little cell called a Nuetrophil. Of which you have millions running through your blood stream at any given time on the lookout for any invading substance. Kind of like pac man eating the dots of disease. For pic go to wikipedia where the info below was gathered. The most common place you will have seen these cells is in Pus. that lovely yucky eater of infection.

A little science for ya

a neutrophil count of 2.5-7.5 x 10 to the 9th power/L is a standard normal range. Neutrophils are the most abundant white blood cells in humans (approximately 10^11 (10,00000000000) are produced daily) ; they account for approximately 70% of all white blood cells (leukocytes). The average half-life of non-activated neutrophils in the circulation is about 12 hours. Upon activation, they marginate (position themselves adjacent to the blood vessel endothelium), and undergo selectin-dependent capture followed by integrin-dependent adhesion in most cases, after which they migrate into tissues, where they survive for 1–2 days. Neutrophils are much more numerous than the longer-lived monocyte/macrophage phagocytes. A pathogen (disease-causing microorganism or virus) is likely to first encounter a neutrophil.

Low neutrophil counts are termed neutropenia. This can be congenital (genetic disorder) or it can develop later, as in the case of aplastic anemia or some kinds of leukemia. It can also be a side-effect of medication, most prominently chemotherapy. Neutropenia makes an individual highly susceptible to infections. Neutropenia can be the result of colonization by intracellular neutrophilic parasites.

Exciting wasn't it - My neutrophil count today was .7 a week ago it was absolute zero. In not scientific terms what this means is the one piece of lettuce can kill you!!!!!


Without living through it you can't understand the handwashing, the pill taking, the mask and glove wearing. The constant fear that you are going to touch something you shouldn't.

People who know will attest to my incredible lack of houscleaning skills, My running around barefoot in all forms of goo playing with molded paper clay that is so rank you have to breathe through your mouth to use it and sharing food with just about every animal known to man. And I never got sick, for years and years and years and have a most awesome immune system because I have played inthe dirt and the germs for soooo long. Now I do practice good food safety and will not cook in a dirty kitchen but beyond that I am not the clean soul. Have been know to eat at restaurants and live in houses most people would not consider habitable.

And then there was chemo. and no more neutrophil, not a a few less - none - zip - nada. Where you must wash your hands every time you use the toilet or possibly die and don't forget to wipe down the seat when you are done and forget completely about sharing with someone else unless they are goingto disinfect after every use. Different rolls of toilet paper, hands peeling from the sheer amount of sanitizer. not being allowed to open a door eat at a buffet or touch anything that hasn't been wiped down unless you are wearing gloves and if you are wearing gloves the you must always remember that if your eye itches you must go remove gloves because they are now contaminated and you cant touch any part of your body with them particularly eyes mouth or nose. the wash then disinfect and then you can scratch.

And food - there is no fresh fruit unless it is think skinned and scrubbed and disinfected and then people by someone else of course cause you can't touch it. A salad becomes a bed of unimaginable death and fast food well suffice it to say that you must take it home and re-nuke it before you can touch the hamburger bun recently slapped together by your average food handler. And children - my doc calls them horrid little bags of germs. And husbands - the other day I made a grave error. I kissed my husband on the lips - We both forgot - Then had to run to bathroom and disinfect mouth. There is no sex, clothes can be worn once and must be washed. I could go on and on and on, with all the little things like not being able to visit with or touch or hug and kiss my grandaughter without us both in gloves and masks, she is much cuter int hem then I.

And there are perks like not being allowed to do dishes or laundry but then I didn't usually do those anyway.

Like the reading you think that it is the big things that will get you someone with a cold a flu and yes those people are deadly, but they are also fairly easy to avoid with proper glove and mask use along with constant washing of the world around you. But its the bacteria you live with everyday that is most likely to kill you.

Prior to learning I had cancer I found out I had gun disease and I only learned I had it through a sheer fluke. there had never been any pain, swelling or other evidence of disease, but apparently the evil bacteria had been eating the bones and gums that hold my teeth in place for years unnoticed.

I went to the dentist did all that he told me and had been working for 3 months prior to the cancer diag to rid myself of the bacteria through various means. An I had done good the dentist would have like to still pull a few but if I kept up the regime I could keep my teeth. Then I lost those little neutro babies and what was a painless bacteria that I had lived with for years unnoticed, became a full fledged and painful infection requiring 2 days in the hospital and 10 days on IV antibiotics. It was a joy.

Most recently - like last night I made goulash nothing exciting, hamburger, noodles, cheese and tomato sauce. All cooked well and then nuked again for safety once they were on my plate. No garnish and not a fresh vegetable or piece of fruit to be had. At 5AM this morning I awoke in the most horrendous pain I had felt since childbirth. My stomach and back felt like they needed to explode and I spent the next 6 hours sticking my fingers down my throat and eating and throwing up various things to try and help yogurt antibiotics juice. Finally I killed whatever it was and it wen t away. No one else eating the food had more than a pleasant burp of enjoyment.

After the transplant I will have new blood making power and fresh new nuetros, but they wont really be mine and unfortunately they have to kill them off before they grow so that they don't eat me. Cause that's the problem with transplants they don't like being in new bodies they think they are evil and they do their best to kill them sometimes. So to help you adapt they just turn of the marauding eaters of germs with various steroids until the new dna takes a firm hold and your blood cells can become confused and think they are home. During this 100 day period everything is deadly. I don't get to be in the same room with my granddaughter or any child in the public school system. I don't get to eat lettuce or touch doors and all the people who are being kind enough to take care of me have to obey stringent rules of cleanliness. Lucky for me - I also get to lose every antibody I have every gained in my life and every bug I have ever had can now kill me. Talk about having a target painted on ya. On the plus side after 2 -3 years the new dna will be integrated enough that there will be no more problems and I most likley will not have to take suppression drugs for the rest of my life. If I am really lucky because I have such a close match I wont have to take them after the 100 days - 6 months. People who receive organs take them forever and live in constant fear of Death from a doorknob or head of lettuce.

So on March 9th this year as you are praying for me because yes it is National pray for Brandy day on MArch 9th, For those dedicated to my survival - fasting and constant prayer and sacrifices for 10 days until the 19th hoping for an early and non deadly engraftment are encouraged and allowed. I don't have to know you feel free to sacrifice yourself on my behalf. Because the better the engraftment and the cleaner the transplant the shorter time it will be until I have nuetrophils again. And can once again enjoy the little things in life like lettuce and tomato on a burger or kissing babies and lets not forget that all time favorite sex.

It is almost cruel to be hairless with no shaving and not get sex. God is laughing way tooo loud. And I would really like to know why it is that chin hairs and mustaches grow back first on women, I mean really isn't bald bad enough.