Seedlings

We little seedlings
Grew in shallow soil
Miraculously
With little tending
We raised ourselves
Leaning towards the light
Shielded from the elements
Kept safe from weeds
God's hands were loving neighbors
With no roots to anchor us
We blew away with the wind
Landing where we could
So far apart from each other

The magness of Ying

Lives blushed
Unfair eye
Always read easily
Meet lovers
Claim heaven now
Laugh naturally
Cry night passions
Please Act
Like you care
Dead poems haven
People write life's tale
Words wanted lover
Dizzy prose
SALUTATIONS
Loves pass
Never daydream long
Smile dawn
Happy drunken him
Lose time slowly
Dreaded minutes
Valuable hours
Looking ripped inside
Wrong bed butterfly
Just two stones

Wow, that felt real!

So I woke up at 3am this morning from a horrible dream. I was escaping from my ex husband and was driving this car recklessly threw an open corn field. Finally he caught up with me and threatened with me with a gun. I told him, "Go ahead! Shoot me! I give up!" And he did. He shot me right in between my eyes. I felt the sharp pain in my skull. I felt my limbs go numb. My head felt light. I fell to the ground and I felt as if the life was quickly draining out of me. And then I died. It felt so real! Now, I imagine thats what dying feels like. It was as if my soul was escaping my body and floating up into the air. Into nothing.

Things that make me cry

I go from day to day pretending I am not sick while knowing I am. I breeze through Chemo with everyone going "look at you you are so strong, you are doing so well, I am so sure it is going to be alright." Then there are the faithful assuring me that I am in Gods Hands or praying over me declaring me healed. While I never turn away a heartfelt prayer I am not certain I want to be in Gods hands. I think unnoticed is preferable. Maybe I can hide and he wont notice and will let me continue upon my broken path. The drive by healing is hubris, the idea that god needs anyone's help to heal me is amusing. But then so much of religiosity is hubris. Man believing God needs our help or that we have a clue what the mind of God really is. I do not fear death. I fear not getting to do all the things I want one last time. Simple things like going through the grocery store and seeing blueberry muffin mix or the bread dough I use for Christmas cinnamon rolls. I want to buy all my favorite things knowing I haven't the time to actually cook them all or the appetite to eat them. But they make me think was last Christmas my last, have I celebrated my last new year, my last trip to the beach. My last jacuzzi with the hubs, how many things have I taken for granted how many people will I never even tell goodbye.

Baby Girl

Last night I went to a meeting about the Early College High school with L. By the end of it we were both pretty pumped up. This summer I could have a daughter in college. Amazing... I think that it will be a good fit for her. I hope that she is selected a certain amount of the selection process is pure luck, a random drawing. Do we feel lucky? Heck yeah we do! More than anything I just want this little girl to know that she can accomplish anything that she truly desires. My biggest obstacle with her is convincing her not to listen to negative idiots. Like her mother she sometimes cares too much what other people think. As I age I grow more tolerant but I find myself caring less and less about the opinion others have of me. When I was her age I cared a lot more.

Bad Magnetic Poetry (and I'm not even depressed)

Live flesh
Love
Immense wholeness
Savage moons reborn
Rusty hued fairy tales
Wonderful transparent thirst
Whirling clever minds
Smoke clear thinker
Ideas climax
Dissolve
Wrapped truth SUNK
Darker clarity
Distressed surface
Dangerous restlessness
Pure insanity,confusion,hallucinations
WEEP

Sex and the City Quotes

"Late that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, thats just fabulous." - Carrie

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with." - Carrie

You all are having so much fun with lyrics I thought I would play too.

(Steve Earle)
chorus
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
From the Steve Earle Jerusalem CD here is a link if you want to here the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxFftlymT5M

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

A long time ago before the ice and the snow
There were giants that walked this land
And with each step they took, the mighty mountains shook
And the trees took a knee and the seas rolled in
Then one day they say the sky gave way
And death rained down, it made a terrible sound
There was fire everywhere and nothin' was spared
That walked on the land or flew through the air
And when it all was over
The slate wiped clean with a touch
There God stood and he saw it was good
And He said "ashes to ashes and dust to dust"

chorus

Then the sea gave birth and it crawled up on the dirt
And stood up and took a look around
Said "I'm the next big thing and the gift that I bring
Comes directly from God, so there ain't no holdin' me down"
So he crowned himself king
Now no one remembers his name
But the seed that he sowed took the show on the road
There was blood on their hands and a plague on the land
They drew a line in the sand and made their last stand
They said "God made us in his image
And it's in God that we trust"
When asked about the men that had died by their hands
They said "ashes to ashes and dust to dust"

chorus

Now, nobody lives forever
Nothin' stands the test of time
Oh, you heard 'em say "never say never"
But it's always best to keep it in mind
That every tower ever built tumbles
No matter how strong, no matter how tall
Someday even great walls will crumble
And every idol ever raised falls
And someday even man's best laid plans
Will lie twisted and covered in rust
When we've done all that we can but it slipped through our hands
And it's ashes to ashes and dust to dust

My Green Mountain State!

I am dreading the summer heat. In fact I wish we had only winter in AZ year round. Or maybe I just wish the summer's here were like Vermont. Damn, do I miss it! I miss the breeze that comes with the sticky humid air. I miss the smell of pine trees. I miss swimming in the deep cold lakes or the murky ponds by the side of the roads. I miss have a cremee every Sunday. I miss climbing the at least 30 feet pine trees that were in both my front and back yard. I miss deer watching. I miss the fresh air of the green mountains!

Stand By Me

Music is what feelings sound like. It is a way in which to express your self when you are not able to.


When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I wont be afraid, no I wont be afraid
Just as long as you stand , stand by me

So darlin, darlin, stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I wont cry, I wont cry, no I wont shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin, darlin, stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you're in trouble wont you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Ode to My Furnace

Heat, blessed heat, how I do love thee.
Taken for granted, when you are here,
Never missed more than when you are not.
Heat, blessed heat, how I do love thee.



(Remind me I said so in July and August when I'm bitching about the heat...)

November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain,
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

Sad Cheap Mr. K or I Hate Your Ugly Boots!

Do you want to know what the saddest part of K being a tight ass is? The man won't even buy himself a new pair of cowboy boots. He wears boots nearly everyday, the pair that he is sporting currently are perfectly servicable albeit a little worn. Mostly they are just really ugly.
We were in Cavenders the other day shopping for a fancy cowboy belt for our Mutton Bustin Champ to display his giant belt buckle on and to pick out a free pair of boots as well, compliments of the Justin Boot Company. I wanted Daddy to get new boots as well so I looked down at his ugly boots and said, I really hate those boots. He surprised me by saying, "I do too". I asked him to go look for a new pair. All he could do was look. You know he wants a new pair, he needs a new pair, we have the money for him to have at least a few nice pairs. Does he leave the store with a pair? NO! Why because the man is a tight ass. He is especially tight when it comes to himself.

It's time for whine....

K asked me to join him in the office while he finished up a few tasks. He is returning to his job this morning. Just to make converstaion, I said "So are you ready to party when you get home?" He seemed confused so I reminded him that his birthday is a few days away and that Valentine's day will come shortly after his return. He then asks if I think that perhaps we have done enough partying. The sting of money spent on Christmas is fresh for him. Although I am happy to report that only cash was spent and everything was well within budget. He doesn't really look up from the comp but he can sense my annoyance so he says well if it is a cheap party. This is the part where most normal humans might discuss a low budget outing such as a picnic or perhaps just some time away from the kids. Of course the thought of a gift for anyone just reminds my love of any unneccasary money that I may have spent recently. I guess all that he could think of was that I bought L a pair of pants at Walmart yesterday. He actually asked me if she really needed them. I said yes and this should have sufficed but then he asked me why. I really wanted to slap him up side the head at this point. Her bio dad does give us 800 dollars a month for L and her brother. Who gives a fuck rather I buy her a 16 dollar pair of Walmart pants rather she needs them or not. Which by the way she did need. Initially I responded by saying, she has very few pairs that she wears to school and they need replacing. Since K has done every bit of the laundry while he has been home he uses his new found clothing degree to declare that she has plenty of clothes. I then politely said that perhaps she needs to go through them and get rid of anything that is too tight etc. I think he actually questioned me further so I being at the end of my rope sternly but fcatually informed him that it is rude to question me about one pair of jeans for a 13 year old girl, don't do it again. I told him that I do very well with his money and with her Dad's money also for that matter. Which was my way of saying stop being such a frugal bastard her Dad pays for her shit too for Christ sake! I am a very petty person, I am so petty that I think that the first thing that I am going to do when I hear his car pull out of the driveway is go spend some money.