Dealing with addictions and people trying to control your life

(This memoriy was written in response to a friends problems with her mother.)

The closest story I have to this was my grandfather. He was a drunk the whole family knew he was a drunk but of course it wasn't polite to talk about it and you should have seen the griping out I got when I told the kids that their grandfather was a drunk but we love him anyway. I thought my mother would faint. Instead she just whined at me for saying those things to small children. Where as I think it is easier even for small children to deal with people who have problems if they have some understanding of what those problems are. Its that honesty with your children thing, always did get me into trouble.

After my grandmother inherited some money and retired with him to AZ his drinking became more pronounced I think he felt pushed aside in some manner because now he wasn't the one with the purse strings. He had always been a good provider but his life had it's own miseries and I can understand why he became a drunk though I think it started with the Manhattens after work socially and degraded from there. Both of them were sexually frustrated and from another era and this one did not make sense. He began to get worse and would start calling people in the family and screaming and yelling at them for whatever perceived wrongs they had committed . One time after I had filed bankruptcy I was yelled at for a good hour because I had not asked for money. (Had this strange Idea I should do things on my own, have gotten over this so people pleaase feel free to donate money) I had even managed to save the house they had loaned me the money for and keep it out of the bankruptcy. I thought I had done pretty good. I got upset, cried, felt guilty the whole nine yards everytime this would happen, my mother just got more upset but then I think he had more buttons to push with her and called her more frequently. I tried talking the family into an intervention etc... no it was not possible it was not polite yayaya. After a while I realized that I was letting his problem control me and I had to stop. The next time he called I argued back which accomplished nothing as arguing with a drunk is a waste of time. Finally I did the best thing I could. I told him that unless he was going to be civil I was going to hang up the phone. He ranted - I told him that I love him but that I was not going to talk to him any more when he was drunk, he ranted - I hung up - He called back I told him to call me when he was sober and that I loved him and hung up. The madder he got the calmer I became and the less it bothered me.

You can't change your mother but you shouldn't lie for her either. Not to her and not to yourself. When she calls after hours, smile and say mother you have to call during the day. I love you but because we have 4 kids here I can't have you calling at this hour so why don't you call me tomorrow and hang up. If she starts lying and ranting tell her that if she is not prepared to be truthful and talk civilliy then you will have to hang up and then do it. Suggest she go for counseling and that you will be glad to take her. Do it with a smile realizing that while you can not fix her you can stop the control she has over your life and emotions and trust me reading your rants she stills has lots of buttons you let her push. You can love people without letting their problems into your life. The most likely thing that will happen if you follow these tips is that she will quit calling until she is ready to be sane and when that happens you will be there for her.