Jordon and his Adventures with G.O.D.

Dedicated to Stupid Men everywhere and the Women who love them.

All characters in this book are used in a fictional setting and while there may be some relative truth this is a work of fiction and should be considered as such.

Prologue

First Reformed Church of Manchester
Internal Church Memo: Island Discovery
To: All High Council Members
From: Archbishop Harley, Internal Security Division

My Dear Brothers In The Lord,

As you have no doubt heard by now, Dr. Harold Smathers, one of our most famous missionaries, has discovered a small uncharted island in the Pacific Ocean, when his sailing vessel crashed there two weeks ago.

Dr. Smathers believes that a document found on this island is vital to the security and continuance of our church. After reading the document, which he sent me through our embassy dispatch in Hawaii, I tend to agree with him.

You all know of the many exploits attributed to St. Jordan over the last 1,000 years. This document contains what I believe is the genesis of both St. Jordan and our church. If this document is real, and I believe it is, then we have some serious thinking to do and much work to accomplish in the next six months before we celebrate the return of our Lord, at the end of our promised 1,000 years of peace since the Rapture.

I personally find the information contained in this document to be both faith shattering and strengthening at the same time. I am at a loss and can not make further decisions without the input of you, the leaders of my faith.

At next week's council meeting we will be discussing the ramifications this document has on our church's future. Enclosed is a copy of the manuscript for your immediate reading.

Yours forever in God,

Archbishop Harley

Chapter 1 - Till Death Do us Part

Chapter 1 - Till Death Do us Part

It seems like only yesterday when my world, boring and mundane as it was, came to an end. I died. It was actually kind of cool. After all, dying is not an experience one could soon forget, no matter how much one may want to. Believe me, I have tried to forget and to make it back to the world I grew up in many, many times over the last several years. The only thing I have learned from my efforts is that there is no going back.

My name is Jordan Hunter. I live in a small town in Oklahoma, or at least I used to. All I can remember anymore is wheat fields. Miles and miles of golden wheat fields, forever haunting my dreams. That and the clouds that brought giant thunderstorms that ravaged the land, flattened the wheat fields, and stranded poor cows on top of telephone poles. But, getting back to my death, which is the whole reason I am telling you this story anyhow. I was standing on my front porch relaxing, leaning heavily on the one column that had yet to collapse. I had just finished drinking the first of my after-work beers and was gazing wistfully at a tornado touching down far in the distance. Now, while twisters aren’t exactly unusual in Oklahoma, it was strange seeing one in December. Tornados usually only happen in the spring. I don't remember there ever being a December tornado in my lifetime, before that fateful day. At the time I figured it must have been the El Nino getting in one last good storm. Anything is possible in Oklahoma.

I was just standing there all peacable like, shot gunning my beer, amusing myself with visions of the damage being done to someone else's fields, when all of the sudden another twister formed directly over my house and sucked me deep into its bowels. That was unusual. Normally there is a little bit of notice before a twister sucks you in, a loud noise at the very least. Something to give you time to lock yourself in the basement or jump in the nearest ditch.

The moment of my death was marked by the traditional bright tunnel of light, and a horrible icy chill that covered my body. A timeless moment on the cusp of forever. The bright lights of my death were those of a spaceship located at the top of this particular tornado. The cold was from the freezing rain and hail pelting my poor tender body as I was sucked up into the vicious circling clouds. Halfway up the cyclone from hell, a large transparent bubble came out of nowhere and surrounded me, protecting me from the weather as I flew upwards through the center of the maelstrom. Just before I was smashed head first into the bottom of the spaceship, a small portal opened before me and I was hurtled aboard the ship, darkness enveloping me.

When I finally got the courage to open my eyes, I realized I must have gone and kicked the bucket. I didn't even remember dying and I dang sure didn't feel dead. But it had to be the truth, I just had to be dead. Cause standing there before me was a rolling lawn of green, which ended in a large set of, (you guessed it), Pearly Gates. There were angelic-looking guards wearing huge fluffy white wings standing to the side of a longhaired old man in a white flowing robe with a shiny golden halo floating over his head. I was really thinking I had hit the jackpot this time. You have to admit if ya got to go, then heaven is the place to be.

Too bad they gave me a stupid job and sent me back. Okay, so it wasn't a stupid job. It was a good job, even what you all might call an honorable one. But it was still a job and I never did like working much. Besides, this one didn't turn out at all like I expected and it has lasted longer than any one man is supposed to be alive, much less work for a living. You'll hear more about that later.

On the other side of the massive golden gates, behind a set of really big chains and several padlocks, stood a row of beautiful half-dressed women, all a smiling and a waving. They helped confirm my theory that this was heaven. The old man with the floating hat finally noticed me walking toward him. He had been poking at something that looked like one of them new palmtop computers. I never did understand how a man could use one of those things. The buttons are so little and the instructions only came in Japanese.

"Oh, that's just wonderful! We weren't ready for processing yet," he muttered towards the sky as he turned towards me and growled. "Young man, why are you here? Are you trying to ruin my day?"

I must admit, being a regular Christian and all, (I was even an acolyte until I burned down the church one Easter Sunday - they should know better than to hang drapes over the candles is all I have to say), I really expected a much more polite greeting when I reached my final reward. I thought being rude to the man in charge of letting people into Heaven was probably not a good idea, but his attitude rubbed me the wrong way, so I told him about it.

"Mr. St. Peter, Sir, I didn't ask to die," I tried to explain as respectfully as possible. "It's not like you all asked for my opinion in the matter. You just sucked me up, in a tornado no less, and you didn't even have the decency to let me bring my beer." My complaints didn't seem to faze him in the slightest.

"You didn't die you fool, you were Raptured. Same ending, big difference in processing. Raptures are supposed to be grand things, not showing up here alone days before you were supposed to." he said shaking his head. "Don't you want your trumpets and the giant worldwide spectacle we had planned? Must there always be one person who can't follow a few simple rules?"

"I don't know," I told him staring at the women behind the gate. One winked right at me and a few others were beckoning me over. "I always kinda figured dead was dead. I don't particularly like trumpets, but them women over there look mighty nice. Since I'm here, do you think I could just go on in and talk to them for a while and maybe sneak a kiss or two?"

"No, you may not!" he snapped back at me. Like the question wasn't proper or something. It's not like I started the waving and a winking . . .

"I have to call and get you sent back," he went on gruffly. "They aren't going to be happy in Ops. Not happy at all. I am not sure what they are going to do with you. They may just decide to stash you somewhere until the big day."

"Exactly when is the big day, huh.?" I questioned cautiously. I didn't like the idea of being stashed for a long time. A short time with them women over there might have been fun, but if they were just going to hide me somewhere for weeks by myself, it could get pretty boring. I've been talking to myself for years and the conversation was never that good.

"Why, on the Millennium, of course. Can't you read ? We left you the book, with instructions I might add, telling you all about it. I suppose there could have been some confusion with the way you humans have altered it. But, that is not our fault. You shouldn't have let the scribes drink so much wine when they were copying. All we see on your t.v. waves is church, church, church. Don't you have one of those t.v. things in your house?"

"Of course I have t.v.! What real American doesn't? But I don't watch church on t.v. I watch sports, like a real man," I announced proudly, strutting back and forth across the lawn and performing the wave.

"Besides," I asked him, "Aren't you guys a little late? We were waiting for you a few years ago. How could you have missed the party? Hell, they even sunk a cruise ship for it."

"Young man, we cannot be responsible for your race’s failure to practice proper timekeeping. You’re the ones that allowed the Roman Kings to change the calendar whenever they needed a new holiday. If you had paid attention to the news instead of MTV, you would have realized this."

"I would never watch MTV. CMTV shows more tits and I never did understand Rap music," I replied, deeply offended. This guy was getting annoying. Who did he think I was?

I'd always thought St. Peter would know everything about me when I arrived. This guy didn't know diddly squat, and I was seriously doubting his ability to judge who gets into heaven. Maybe it was time for God to hire some new help and retire this cranky old fart. That something bad is about to happen feeling started settling through my gut. I had to make sure I was going to get to come back. After all, Heaven has got to be more fun than the alternative.

"So I'll get to come back in three days. Is that what you're saying?" I asked, trying to act cool and collected; not wanting ole Pete to know how scared I was.

The old man consulted the tiny computer looking thing, nodding his head in agreement. "Yes, that's right. Three days."
I leaned forward over the old man's shoulder to try and see what he was doing, but he snapped that thing shut and held it close to him. "The Ops people say they want you to do them one teensy weensy favor to get back in since you came too early. After all, it was not our fault you showed up too soon. We are the minions of G.O.D. and we don't make mistakes," he remarked rather huffily, drawing himself up to an impressive height. I hadn't realized he was that tall. Course, it could have been me shrinking into the lawn.

That sick feeling was getting worse.

"Well maybe it was an act of God that brought me here," I shot back, figuring I had nothing to lose. "It was certainly an act of someone. Tornados don't usually suck people into spaceships. Or maybe they do, but you would think I would have at least heard rumors down at the Sale Barn if that were true."

"Highly unlikely. He is not usually that involved. St. Peter replied but then he got this look on his face like maybe he was wondering too. "He has actually been kind of quiet lately. There are those in the Arch Angel Corp. that think maybe he has lost it." St. Peter said this last in a whisper. He kept shuffling his feet and glancing worriedly back at the gate. Guess he was thinking that God might be listening in.

"Exactly what do you mean when you say you think God has lost it? What happened to all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing?" I asked in my normal tone of voice. I didn't see any reason for me to whisper. It's not like I was questioning God's sanity. Only an idiot would do something like that.

"Well," he answered, still whispering, "G.O.D really is all those things and quite a bit more. It is just that lately he has been using his powers for some very strange things. He seems to be interested in a particular spot on your planet and we need to know why. So we are going to send you there and let you find out what he's up to for us. We angels of the A.A.C. have to keep up with what's going on and he is just not the most informative G.O.D in this universe," he replied, sighing heavily. "Sometimes I think he forgets we exist."

"At any rate here is your transfer," he said, handing me a flimsy little piece of paper stamped "Good For One Return Trip to Heaven." St. Peter sounded more than a little miffed with the boss man. I didn't think angels were allowed to get mad at God. Except for Lucifer and his friends, of course.

"Please note it is only good for one trip back," he went on. So do try to find what we need. I would hate to have to leave you on Earth if you were supposed to come with us."

I didn't want to give up my only chance at Heaven, so I stuffed my ticket to Heaven into the front pocket of my slightly damp, ass-hugging, Wal-Mart Rustlers where I knew it would be safe. I had just pulled my hand from my pocket, which is hard work with jeans this tight, when the whole world spun around. I was cold and then hot, out cold, and then awake and plunging into a small lagoon from higher up than I would have preferred. I had just enough time to realize I had no clue where in the world I was being dropped when I hit the water in a screaming belly flop. Damn that hurt; it hurts just remembering it.

Anyway, I eventually floated to the top in agony and rolled onto my back so I could catch my breath. I was still struggling for air when a huge wave crashed over me and thankfully, (I think), carried me to shore. After crawling up the beach to get out of reach of the water, I did the only thing I was still capable of. I fell asleep

Chapter 2 - Out of the Frying Pan

She was blond and stacked, my two favorite things in a woman. She walked slowly towards me, her hips swinging from side to side. Her breasts danced in the sunlight, nipples brown against her skin as I reached out to take her in my arms. Her luscious red lips inched closer; they brushed against me, sending shivers of lust through my body. I held her tightly, pressing her mouth against mine. Our tongues intertwined in the most passionate kiss I have ever had.

Suddenly, my mouth began to fill with grit and this sharp pain started shooting down my side. My beautiful blonde was walking away. Desperately, I leaped to catch her and woke up face down, with a mouth full of sand and a small girl of about six standing beside me, digging her bare feet into my side.

"Quit that," I mumbled spitting sand, as I tried to roll over and get my bearings. It took a few minutes for my mind to remember what had happened, then a few more to convince myself it really did happen. My head felt as big as a
watermelon in July. Shaking it gently to get rid of some of the cobwebs, I sat up and took a look around. The girl, still standing next to me, staring at me as if I was going to turn into a monster or something. Thankfully she was keeping her feet to herself, so I ignored the little urchin and studied the rest of my surroundings.

In front of me was the ocean, of course, and to either side of me the beach went on for as far as I could see from this position. Behind me was a very dark and nasty looking forest. The kind with vines and creepers running everywhere, so that you can't see more than six feet in before it turns completely black. It did not look like a place I would have chosen to visit. Why couldn't I have landed someplace with a Hilton or even a Motel 6? Better yet, maybe this is a dream.

A guy can hope can't he?

Okay, so it wasn't a dream. I was here, somehow, some way, I was here, wherever here was. It was time to get the old trusty thinking pile working and find a way to get somewhere else . . . If ole Pete was right and God was playing here, he obviously did not want me to intrude and since God ranks over an Angel, I thought I should just build a signal fire and wait here on the beach to be rescued. A boat or plane had to pass over the island eventually, and my return pass into Heaven hadn't survived the dunking, so what did it matter if I helped the Angels or not? The bottom line was I didn't want to play with a God who was playing on this island with that nasty forest.

I could always fish while I was waiting to be rescued, and there had to be fresh water somewhere close or the forest wouldn't be here. Of course, I suppose God could have put in the forest without the help of fresh water, but I sure hoped he hadn't. No, I couldn't allow myself to think about things like that.

"I'm a survivor, I am going to survive, I am going to be rescued." I repeated this three times trying to make myself believe it, just like they tell you to on the psychobabble cable channel. It's a trick to build your self esteem, whatever that is.

With my important decisions made, I needed to stand up and look for some wood. I did try, but every time I managed to get to my feet, I would get dizzy and fall back down, which wasn't helping the headache I had going already. Now the little girl was laughing at me, pointing her finger while standing up and falling down. In short, making fun of me. I guess she thought I was joking around or something.

I looked at her and calmly asked, "Just who the hell are you?" Well, maybe not so calmly. I was a tad upset, to put it politely. I hadn't asked to be here and I was sure that there was someone more qualified to help the A.A.C. than little ole me. There was probably even someone out there who actually wanted too.

I had never done anything special or exciting in my life. I was wishing at that exact moment that I was still sitting on my rickety old porch drinking beer and throwing sticks for Digger to retrieve, or flying in good old Betty, spraying poison across the fields. I briefly wondered what had happened to Digger in the storm, and hoped he was still okay. I didn't want to think about Betty. She was the love of my life and my paycheck. I would have to find a real job if she was hurt.

Betty was an old blue Stearman Bi-plane. One of the best damned planes ever made. They even had a cool nickname, "The Yellow Peril." This was because they were known to be kinda flaky on landing and because the army painted them all yellow. Part of what I liked about her was that you never knew just how you were going to get down. I never wanted to come down.

I would ride the winds over the fields pretending I was Snoopy, having a fight with the Red Baron. When I let out the dust, I would pretend I had been shot. I had to be careful because sometimes I would forget what I was doing and let out too much dust. Farmers get really nasty when they can't grow anything for 20 years after I've sprayed their fields.

My brother Bubba painted a picture of Snoopy and his doghouse on the side of the plane, complete with bullet holes and everything. You're probably wondering why I named her Betty rather than Snoopy. Well, that's in remembrance of Betty Sue McIntyre who was the first to ever let me . . . er . . . well, you know.

Anyway, back to my story. The girl on the beach looked at me blankly for a moment, her hands perched on her little hips, her head cocked to the left. She looked as if she were deciding some great question, or maybe just trying to figure out what answer to give me. Then she smiled a huge toothy grin, the kind that only little kids can have, and spoke.

"I am a Nymph, can't you tell?" Her voice was terribly high pitched and nasal, like a valley girl from Hell. It hurt my ears, not to mention my head. "Didn't the moss green hair give it away? I live in the forest mainly because I live in a tree, or I am the tree, however you want to look at it and I am here to take you to G.O.D. I am his Most Trusted Nymph today."

She reeled off her little speech at a speed that would make an auctioneer proud, she was jumping up and down and twirling in circles. I was getting dizzy again just watching her, and my head was pounding in tune to her voice, as she went on. "I am very lucky you showed up when you were supposed to or G.O.D might not have been very happy with me or with you. He can be a very demanding G.O.D. So get up off your fat butt and let's move it out. We have a long trip through the forest."

I don't know why she thought she could fool me. It's not like moss green hair is all that unusual today, though hers was a bit stringier and greener than most. She must have thought I had just fallen off the turnip truck if she thought I was going to believe she was a Nymph.

I was still wondering, "What the hell is a Nymph, anyway?" I had heard about them in legends and stories, but they were always so vague. I did recall that Nymphs had something to do with trees, but I couldn't remember what. If she hadn't been so young I might have thought she meant nympho, which was certainly something I could believe in, even if I had never had the pleasure of meeting one. I decided to play along like I knew what she was talking about.

"A Nymph, right!" I scoffed indignantly. "And I am the Jolly Green Giant. Get real. There are no such things as Nymphs. You look like a typical spoiled brat to me. Where are your parents, little girl? Maybe they can help me get off this God-forsaken island," I sputtered, trying to get the last of the sand out of my mouth.

At that moment, when the sand I had blown was grazing the top of my finest set of boots, a large lightening bolt, no a really huge, no make that the biggest damn lightening bolt I have ever seen in my entire life, came crashing into the beach taking out a tree behind me, causing it to fall just inches from where I sat. I jumped up and tried to run, but didn't get two wobbly steps before a deep angry voice came bellowing out of the forest. I tried to become part of the forest, standing as still as I could and hoping that the voice would go away, along with whoever it belonged to.

"He who takes my name in vain shall be hurtled off the tallest mountain of my island," the voice bellowed again, as an old craggy-looking man with a long beard and flowing robes appeared before me.

"Was it you, young man?" he asked as he walked up to me, jabbing at my chest with his index finger. None too gently, I might add. I stood there bouncing off his finger going, "Huh?"

It's an instinct I have when there's trouble. If you act dumb, they sometimes leave you alone. Kinda like playing dead for a bear so he won't eat you. There was also the fact that I couldn't quite make out what he was saying through the ringing in my ears. I did, however, catch the words, "Prepare to die!" as he raised his hands over me into the air.

Not again, I only had three days left as it was. Wasn't dying once a day enough for these people? Since I figured there was no chance of getting a reprieve twice in one day, I resorted to the old fashioned way of trying to avert my demise. I plopped down on my knees and started praying. I prayed like I'd a never prayed before, wishing my ticket back to heaven wasn't a pile of wet mush.

I kept my eyes closed, repeating every prayer I had ever learned over and over, hoping for forgiveness, hoping to live long enough to have my next beer. My life was flashing before me in a blur.

After about 5 minutes, (I only know 2 prayers and my life hadn't been that exciting), I opened one eye and peeked. Now there was only the little girl in front of me, laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes as she rolled back and forth on the sand.

"Boy, did you screw up, Buddy. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to swear?" she laughed even harder.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just go ahead and laugh. It's not like I asked to be here or anyone gave me a rule book. How was I supposed to know he would be so touchy?" I asked, staring at the still-burning firewood that used to be a tree. This called for a re-evaluation of the situation.

"Okay, so I'm on God's island and you're a Nymph. Which, by the way, I still find hard to believe, but since I don't know in your case what a Nymph really is, I guess I will have to take your word for it. The only Nymphs I've ever known
were girls like Dona and Brandy from high school. You know, the ones who never learned how to say no and are real popular with all the guys? I guess I shouldn't be talking to a little girl like you about that kind of stuff."

The little ankle lizard gave me a very creepy smile and said, "I'm much older than you think, boy, and you have a lot to learn." I had no clue what this was supposed to mean, so I ignored it. My main concern at this point was that very unfriendly looking forest that I had no interest in going into.

"Do I really have to go through that forest? I don't like trees or vines or those small creatures everyone else seems to think are so cute. Are you sure there's no bears or wild boars, goblins, gremlins, or ogres?" I asked with no small amount of fear in my voice. The forest looked like the den of some evil sorcerer to me. I tried to share my misgivings with the brat, but she didn't seem to care. "I would expect to find demons in a forest like this, not God," I continued. "You are such a wimp!" she said, rolling her eyes at me. "I don't know why G.O.D. picked you of all people. There had to be someone better for the task. Even the woman wasn't as gutless as you are."

"Woman? What woman?" I asked, my ears and spirits perking. A woman at the end would at least give me something to look forward to after this trek through jungle hell. Maybe she would be a good looking woman who would be forever grateful to me for finding her and taking her back to the real world. Grateful women are my favorite kind, not that I've had a lot of personal experience with them.

"You'll find out when G.O.D thinks you're ready. Now come along. It's a long trip and I'm hungry," she quipped before turning and walking towards the forest. "Oh yeah, so am I, but then I am always hungry. What do Nymphs eat anyway?" I asked trying to make a little friendly conversation as I dragged myself to my feet brushing the sand from my jeans. My head was beginning to clear, but the body was still in serious pain and I walked slowly, following her into the trees. She never answered my question, just kept walking deeper and deeper into the forest, making me hobble faster to keep up.

She made it look soooo easy. Everything in the path seemed to move out of the way as she walked by. Too bad it all jumped back onto the path by the time I got there. They were out to get me, all the things I hated: the thick green vines which tried to strangle me, the dead, molded-over tree stumps which made me fall more than once, and all those stupid furry little critters. I was wishing I had my shotgun, although it wouldn't have been much sport since they all lined up along the path and watched as we walked by. I wouldn't of had time anyway, since I was spending every minute trying to slap away the bugs that were eating me alive and trying to watch where I walked at the same time.

After falling for the fifth or sixth time and ripping two holes in the knees of my brand new jeans, I decided I deserved a rest and laid there in the middle of the path where I had fallen, breathing heavily, trying to get my wind back. I was a hoping that it would take Miss Nymph a while to notice I was gone so I could get a decent break, but no such luck. I barely had the annoying critters shooed away and my butt back on the earth before the little wench walked up and kicked me in the shin.

"Get up, you lazy heathen. We're only half way there and I'm getting hungrier," she growled. "You don't want to be around me when I get real hungry and can't feed. It is not a pretty sight." "I'll bet," I replied sarcastically, sinking myself even further into the ground. I wasn't going to allow myself to be bossed around by some underage twit. I'm the man here.

"Look, Nymph, I know you are hungry, but you won't tell me what you eat so I can't help you look for food. My feet are killing me. These boots of mine are definitely not made for walking and I need a break. It's not like I am asking for an hour. Just give me 10 minutes and I'll be ready to go again. How much farther, anyhow?"

"You fool!" she shrieked in a voice that sounded much older than she could possibly be, losing all traces of the valley girl accent. "You don't understand how serious this is." Now she was poking me in the chest right where the old man had, but her nails were much sharper. She was beginning to draw blood. "I have to get you back before dark and we only have an hour left. If I don't get you there on time I will have failed my mission, and I won't get to be Most Trusted Nymph of the Day ever again. Not only that, but if I don't return before night fall I will have to feed wherever I am and I want to be home!"

With one last painful poke, she dropped down beside me and began to cry. Huge crocodile tears started rolling from her little eyes, accompanied by the required sniffling and snorting. I hate it when girls cry. It is one of those things I have never been able to defend myself against. The ex used to get away with a lot by using tears. Hell, she cried during the divorce and talked me out of everything I owned. She even got my baseball card collection and she was the one who had been fooling around, so she shouldn't have gotten a damn thing. But, like I said, tears are just something I can't fight. So, I gathered my tired abused body together and stood up, dragging the whimpering whelp with me.

"Come on," I said starting down the path. "Since this is so important to you, I guess I've had enough of a break. Wipe that slime off your face and let's get going. No, not on my jeans! That's disgusting. An hour you say? Even I can last one more hour." I didn't want to be in this forest after dark, anyway. I was still sure something lived there that could eat me

"Could we at least talk ? Silence and me don't go together real well," I begged her as she walked in front of me, once again charging through the forest. "Maybe you could tell me how you get through this mess so easily? I'm positive these trees are trying to kill me."

The Nymph stopped in mid-step and almost made me fall again. Then she turned towards me and held up her arms to be picked up. She looked so much like a little kid I did what came naturally and grabbed her up like I would any six year old. She wrapped her legs around my waist and started hugging and kissing me. At first her kisses were chaste. The next thing I knew she had her tongue in my mouth giving as good as she got. It only lasted a moment, but she sure didn't kiss like any of the little girls I know. My blood was up and moving again in no time. As soon as she pulled her mouth from mine, I set her back down on the ground, still shaking from the feelings of lust and now ashamed of myself for
abusing a child.

"Thank you so very, very much," she said as she started walking again, slower this time, which made me happy. Her tears had been replaced by an impish smile that lit up her face. "I knew you were a kind soul and wouldn't make me sleep in the forest tonight. Maybe G.O.D did pick well. As for how I walk through the forest so fast, you must understand that this is the last place on this planet where everything is truly alive like it was in the beginning. The trees here can tell how you feel about them and they treat you accordingly." At this, she fixed me with a stare that seemed to say all my trials were my own fault, then she prattled on.

"If you think of them as friends they will let you pass, and you should consider them friends, because some of them are related to me and if you don't like them then how can you possibly like me? All you keep thinking about is how horrible they are. How do you think that makes me feel, knowing that you hate my Aunt Maple, who we passed along the way?" she asked in her snippy valley girl voice.

I turned around looking behind me, wondering which of these trees could be her Aunt Maple and how she could possibly know what I was thinking. Probably one of those that tripped me, I thought as I tumbled over yet another outstretched root. Momma had tried to sign me up for dance lessons when I was a kid. She thought it might help me gain some sense of balance, but dad said she wasn't allowed to turn his boy into a sissy. That day I was wishing I had taken the dance lessons, instead of just fishing and drinking beer with Pop.

"You see," she went on as she gave me a hand up and continued her walk, "the trees are trying to live up to your expectation of reality. You think they are cruel and evil so they become cruel and evil. Try thinking nice thoughts about them. Say to yourself, The forest is my friend. The trees and animals are here to keep me safe, instead of just cursing at them in your head," she finished, staring up at me as I if were the child and she the Great Teacher.

It sounded like more psychobabble to me, but I closed my eyes and tried to replace my current vision of the forest in which the vines were wrapping themselves around my body, then dragging me into the treetops for the carnivorous birds to pluck out my eyes and pick my bones clean, with a scene from ABambi.@ You know the one; sunlight filtering through the trees, the little deer scampering with their friends, bunnies with butterflies on their noses. It was hard, very hard, especially when my mind kept putting Elmer Fudd and his rifle in the picture aiming straight for Bambi, but somehow I managed. When I finally opened my eyes, there was a path before me, empty of slithering vines and sunlight filtering through the trees tops to light my way.

"Man, this really works, Little Nymph," I said, totally amazed at the transformation. "I guess negative thinking really is a bad thing."

"I told you so," she replied with a smile as she increased her pace through the forest. "By the way, my name is not Little Nymph. It is Cyan Birch."

"Pleased to meet you Miss Cyan of the formerly evil forest," I said gallantly. I would have bowed to this cute little snippet, but then I might have fallen again and my knees couldn't take any more. "My name is Jordan Hunter of Manchester, Oklahoma. Now, why don't you tell me all about this island and how God knew I was coming. I thought St.
Peter sent me here on his own?"

"Well, Jordan, there is not much to tell. G.O.D lives here and he knows everything about everyone. You should remember that, should you decide to lie to him when we get home."

"Me? Lie to God? Do I look like the type of person who would do something like that?" I asked, my face a picture of innocence.

Once again I heard the voice booming through the trees, only this time it wasn't angry. It was laughing at me.

"Never lie to me? You're lying now. What about that time when you were six and you prayed to me and said you were sorry for shooting the cat with your pellet gun? You know you liked it, and that poor cat was never the same."

"Wait a minute God," I cried. "Let me explain, please? That cat deserved it. She kept shitting in my favorite baseball glove. All my buddies called me Stinky for years."

"I never said the cat didn't deserve it, Jordan. "I said you lied to me."

"Alright, already," I cried, stopping in the middle of the path. "I hereby solemnly swear to you, God, that I will never, ever lie to you again for the rest of my life."

I made my oath in the proper manner, holding my right hand over my heart, using my most sincere voice. I figured it would be an easy promise to keep since the world was going to be over in three days, according to St. Peter. Even I could tell the truth for that long. But just in case I had my left hand behind my back, with fingers crossed.

"Remember, Jordan," the rumbling voice said before leaving, "never make promises you can't keep." The voice was laughing as it faded away into the tree tops. The rest of the walk through the forest was rather uneventful. It was a much more pleasant place to be, now that nothing was trying to kill me. Cyan and I managed to arrived at our destination much sooner than I expected.

Chapter 3 - The Trouble With Trolls

We arrived to a fanfare of Nymphs and Fairies. At least, I think they were Fairies. They were tiny little things flitting around my head in a blur. One came to rest in my hand. It was beautiful and blond with big purple wings. I could have fallen in love, but she was much too small to be of any use. I had never seen so many half naked little girls in my life. They were awfully cute, and very colorful. None of them except for Cyan had on real clothes and she was just wearing a short little silky dress.

The rest of them were wearing pieces of lace and many colored scarves wrapped around their bodies like veils or attached in ways I was not close enough to determine. Which was a good thing. It was a major effort to keep my baser interests in check as it was. Especially when they kept huddling around, trying to hug and kiss me, hanging on my every word.

They kept asking if I was the one who was going to save the world. I answered their questions as best I could, which wasn't very well. As for the saving part, I hadn't ever saved anything but my own ass in my life, so I told them not to rely too heavily on me to save the whole world. At this they just laughed their little Tinkerbell laughs and said that G.O.D knows all, and he had told them that I was perfect for the part of Savior. This scared me for some reason. A lot. Savior was not a job I would ever have applied for, much less wanted.

The clearing that Cyan had brought me to was just that - a clearing. No houses, no conveniences, not even a gas station where I could have used the john. Nothing but a wide space filled with tall grass and wild flowers surrounded by the forest. In the middle of the clearing rose a grassy mound with a door on top.

Yes, I said a door. I know I said that there weren't any buildings but it was definitely a door, standing there all by itself in the middle of the mound.

It looked like a normal door except that it didn"t go anywhere. It didn't lead into a room or building. You could walk all the way around it, which I did. It just stood there, going nowhere. The only decoration of any type was the word "G.O.D" inscribed in small calligraphic letters about eye level, with a lightening bolt stamped over it.

I did notice that it was made out of a massive piece of solid oak, making me wonder where in the hell an oak tree would grow on a tropical island. Then I remembered that this was God's island. It didn't have to make sense. Too bad that thought didn't make me feel any better about this whole ordeal.

I drew closer to the door, reaching out to touch it and make sure it was real. The Nymphs began to giggle harder as the door swung slowly inward. All this giggling was making me nervous.

"Go on," said Cyan impatiently, pushing on the back of my legs to urge me forward. "G.O.D is waiting and you haven't been delivered yet. Besides, I am still hungry. Leave, so I can eat, pleeease!"

Nodding to my fans, I stepped forward, trying to impress them with my grace and courage as I valiantly walked into the unknown. Which means, of course, that I tripped on the door frame and fell face first into whatever was beyond the door. What it was, I had no earthly idea. The Twilight Zone was what went through my mind at the time.

"Watch that first step," came drifting towards me as I fell into space, accompanied by the fading sound of giggles and laughter.

"I have got to get better at my entrances," I thought to myself as I looked at the nothingness surrounding me.

In the distance, through a narrow tunnel of light, I could see the Nymphs I had tried so hard to impress, watching me fall away. Not having done anything stronger than a little grass during my wilder days, I thought this must be what the druggies meant by trippin. The Nymphs and Fairies were shrinking away to tiny pinpoints, as the cave I had so gracefully entered became more solid and real.

Unfortunately, solid and real meant that I landed hard and painfully, my chin crashing into the rock, knocking a few teeth lose and making me see stars. My first thought was, "Damn, that hurts!" I was beginning to wonder if getting into Heaven was going to hurt every step along the way. And if it was, was it worth it?

Shaking my head gently to stop the ringing in my ears, I realized I had landed somewhere that was cold, slimy and scary. I couldn't even begin to describe the smell. Not the kind of place I imagined meeting God in. Well, I decided, he must know what he's doing. He's God, right? I was hoping there weren't any more cute little girls around to notice my clumsiness.

For once on this trip, I got my wish. There were definitely no little girls waiting in this place. Scattered around me were ten little Trolls, or at least that's what I think they were. They were short, ugly, long bearded, (even the women,
Ugh!), and decidedly unfriendly. They were standing in a circle around me, each with a lantern in his or her hand, staring menacingly through the dim light, directly at me. This was a graphic example of not being careful enough with wishes and hopes. I would have taken the Nymphs and Fairies any day. They were at least friendly, not to mention better looking

Apparently I wasn't moving fast enough to suit these Trolls. I was only lying there on the cold nasty floor for so long because I wanted the pain to go away. Okay, I'll admit it, I was also trying to remember just what it was that is supposed to turn Trolls to stone, wishing I had paid more attention to those fairy tales they made us read in grade school.

The ugly little monsters decided to hurry me to my feet by sending their smallest member over to kick me in the butt. For some reason, when I was sent on this mission to find God, I was expecting a loving God. Maybe even an ethereal angel - not abusive Trolls.

After the guy kicked me, (I'm assuming it was a guy . . . it's a little tough to tell when they all have beards), they turned as one and began marching down the stone hallway. You know, Trolls trudging through the tunnels. Picture it. All I could think of was a line from an old Disney movie my dad had taken me to on one of his few sober days. "Hi ho, hi ho, off to Hell we go."

Being basically a chicken-shit, regardless of what I said at Kelly's Bar and Grill after 8 or 9 beers, I hurried to my feet and followed. I didn't like the scurrying noises I heard coming from the corners, and they were walking off with my only source of light. It's not that I am afraid of the dark or anything. I just don't like being left alone in strange dark places. Now leave me there with a beautiful gal, and I would be happy.

As my eyes adjusted, I was able to study my surroundings more carefully. I knew I was in some sort of cave system, and it looked like it had been lived in for a long, long time. There was a homey feel to the place. The tunnel walls had been decorated with massive murals depicting fierce fighting between men and Trolls. The fact that all the men in the pictures were depicted as dying underneath Troll spears didn't provide much comfort. Many doors leading off to other rooms and numerous branches off the main tunnel made me worry about how many of these creatures there were. Then I saw my first batch of Troll children running through the halls.

Trolls are not very coordinated, not even when they're small, and I remember seeing no less than 20 slam into the tunnel walls along the way. They had great bounce, which would send them careening back and forth between the walls like living pinballs plummeting into bumpers. Given a beer and a lawn chair, this could be preemo entertainment.

After about 15 minutes of long smelly corridors that I thought would never end, the Trolls leading me came to a sudden halt. Of course, I was watching the little guys behind me and ran smack into the creatures in front.

Now I should tell you that grownup Trolls are only about 3 feet tall and I am a handsome 6'2". Not really, but I was 5"11' and 3/4 when I measured myself against the yellow burglar strip they had hanging on the doors at Kelly's bar. So, I'm pretty close to 6'2".

Anyway, we had been walking at a good clip and the force that I hit the Trolls with was enough to trip me and throw me over the top and right into the middle of their formation. I felt like a bowling ball taking out pins, coming to rest heavily on top of the leader of the gang and his two closest friends. It was a definite 7/10 split. Now I was grateful that they bounced so well. It had actually been kind of fun.

They could be a big attraction at the bowling alley. I'd make a mint selling tickets to bounce on them. Maybe we could go big time and travel across the country with the carnival, like I had always dreamed about as a little boy. I could picture myself standing on the box and yelling to the crowds, "Step right up and discover Troll bouncing, the nation's newest and most exciting form of recreation . . . " Such are the musings of a fallen man. At least until the Troll you have fallen on starts growling beneath you. Then you move quickly, or at least I did. Standing up took little effort since I had not been hurt, just a tad shaken up is all.

Once my feet where under me where they belonged, I helped the little guy who had been kind enough to catch me, to his. I tried to help him dust off the tunnel crud clinging to his clothing, but I kept having to dodge the blows of his fists and decided his people must like to be grungy. I can understand grungy. I like to go wading in the cow trough after it has greened over. It's not something you want to do all the time, but feeling slime between your toes every once in a while is good for you. It brings you closer to the Earth or some such thing.

When we had all the social graces out of the way, I turned and looked into the cavern they had led me to. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe God on his throne, or even some new and different mythical creature to lead me someplace else.

I wasn't expecting what I actually found, not in a million years. There before me was the nicest little space plane I had ever seen. Not that I had ever seen a space plane before except for the shuttle, and that was only on t.v. Man, could I spray some crops with this puppy. The only weird part about it, (other than its being in the middle of an underground cavern on an island in the middle of nowhere), were the silly rocket boosters attached to its back, and a big round clear bubble that made up part of the nose of the ship. It made it look like it had a large tootsie-pop on top. What a horrible thing to do to a nice machine.

Most of the Trolls walked around me, going on with their other duties as if I wasn't there. I scrambled up quickly and hid behind the largest rock to get out of sight, thinking maybe the rest would forget about me if they couldn't see me. Then I would have more time to study the situation.

Imagine my surprise when the rock melted into a large, and I mean large, dragon, who laughed at me. I yelped and jumped back in terror. Once again I fell into the leader of the Trolls, who had been left behind to guard me.

Luckily, he caught me in his arms this time and I sagged there shaking my head with my eyes firmly shut, telling myself that this was all a nightmare. But it wasn't a bad dream. When I opened my eyes again and looked around, I decided that I could handle this, no sweat! It was just a large cavern with a spaceship in the middle and mythical beasts all around. No problem, right? My mind and body, acting together, decided that today had just been too much and I did the only sane thing a person in my position could do. Off I fainted, into oblivion.

Chapter 4 - Just the Facts Ma'am

After what seemed like years, which I now know was only a few minutes, I came to, choking and coughing, surrounded by a putrid odor. It smelled something like old dead rats when they rot in the walls and you can't get to them. You really don't want to know how I know what dead rats rotting in a wall smell like. It's a farmhouse thing.

Opening my eyes, I found myself lying on a cot at the base of the cavern wall. Leaning over my body, waving the disgusting smell under my nose, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen that wasn't a blonde. She had short black hair that framed a flawless oval face. Covering her perfect body was a skintight black spandex flight suit. The view of her boobs down the front of the suit was breathtaking. It certainly took my breath away.

I thought maybe I had died and gone to Heaven, after all, but the odor kept distracting me from my final reward. Heaven could not possibly smell this bad. I sat up quickly, trying to get away from the foul stench and knocked the vial of smelling salts out of my lovely tormentor's hand and all over my lucky shirt. Which of course meant I now smelled like old dead rat. Not my normal choice of colognes; I prefer Hai Karate.

"Way to go, asshole. Couldn't you have waited two seconds for me to move?" my goddess spoke, her voice full of velvet and chocolate, the sound of many fantasies I have had in my lifetime.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but what do you expect? That stuff stinks," I apologized as politely as possible, my eyes following her every breath. I didn't want take a chance of offending her until after I had kissed her. So with a smile I added, "You are beautiful, you know." She acknowledged the compliment with a disgusted look and continued to complain. "Yes, and now because you are such a klutz I am going to have to smell this shit for the rest of the day."

Using my number one rule of dating, (if something goes wrong blame it on someone else), I tried to explain the situation. "Hey, lady. I didn't ask to be here. This was all God's idea." I was sure that the mention of God's name would impress her and make her give me the respect I deserve. I stood up strutting, proud of my recovery, positive she would soon be mine.

It was rather disheartening when the woman of every wet dream I ever had doubled over laughing hysterically, until tears came to her eyes. I was really getting tired of women laughing at me all the time. If women really want a man who can make them laugh, I should have had women falling all over me, since they all seemed to find me so humorous.

"What's so damned funny, woman?" I asked, my polite polish giving way to hurt bluntness.

"GOD brought you here to help me, you idiot," she choked out between fits of laughter. "You look like a horse's ass and smell about the same. How much help could you possibly be?"

"By the way, you might want to zip," she commented when she could actually speak again.

Now that I felt like a total fool, I gave up my strutting around and tried to find out just what I had gotten myself into. It's like the song says, "You got to know when to fold -em." I needed to find out if it was time to run.

"What exactly is it that I'm supposed to help you with? Maybe getting you pregnant with the new Messiah?" I asked, hopefully. "I should get something good out of this after all the abuse I've taken."

The words were barely out of my mouth before a large roar issued from the dragon across the room and a hiss of burning steam singed my ears.

"Shit!" I screamed, covering my head and getting out of the way of any more incoming fire breath.

"You should watch how you talk to a lady," beautiful and busty giggled at me. "He doesn't like it when you make jokes about his life's work."

"Who? The dragon? Is he your pet or something?" I never did like women with pets and now I remembered why.

"Meet GOD," she said with a flourish of arms towards the dragon, "in one of his favorite manifestations."

"God? A dragon? Oh, puleeeease. I think God could do better than that," I answered her with a shake of my head.

"It's really amazing how stupid some women think a man can be," I thought to myself as I wondered how this little lady was going to get out of this one. I mean, I have told some tall tales in my life, but this one was totally unbelievable. God a dragon? That's certainly not what I was taught in Sunday School. God is a very old man, like the one I saw on the beach.

Suddenly, the dragon I was staring at melted and became a ten foot tall Amazon woman, fully armed and fully unclothed

"Is this better Jordan? Took this one out of a dream you had last week," asked the booming male voice I had heard in the forest. Only this time the voice was coming out of my Amazon's beautiful mouth. I was totally unprepared for this change in circumstance. This was certainly closer to what I wanted God to be. I fell to my knees in awe, tongue rolling on the floor.

I was still in my dream world when BB (that's short for beautiful and busty) grabbed me by the arm and said, "Come along, Jordan. I have a lot to tell you and he's just showing off. He likes to do that from time to time. Remember the flood?" She was laughing so hard that her breasts were bouncing up and down in time with her laughter.

Always willing to follow a woman to bed, I let her lead me back to the cot and sat down. I was really hoping I could pass out again. This was all just too much, especially on fewer than four beers. I wasn't real sure I wanted to hear what this woman had to tell me, but if you can't escape the nightmare, you might as well enjoy the show.

"First of all, my name is Lana, not woman," she started. "It's the only thing I will answer to, so you might as well erase things like babe, honey, and sweet cheeks from your vocabulary."

I barely heard a word she said as I concentrated on the majestic rise and fall of her chest. That lasted until she slapped the bottom of my chin, almost making me bite my tongue.

"Uh, excuse me. Could you look up here at my face?" she asked, dragging my eyes to hers by gouging my chin upwards with her fingernail. "My breasts are not speaking to you. If you don't start paying attention and knock off this infatuated schoolboy crap, I'm going to hurt you." She said this with an evil smile that left no doubt where she was going to hurt me.

"Now, let's get down to business," she went on. Her face was almost as good to stare at as her chest. Man, was she a pretty one. "GOD is not what you and your Bible-belt religion have always thought. At least this GOD isn't."

This roused my attention. How could God be anything but what I was taught. Momma always said Father Bob talked directly with God. And what did she mean by this God? There is only one, right?

"Huh? What you talkin' about woman?" I broke in, confusion obvious in my voice.

"This God is a computer and GOD isn't actually his name. It's an acronym. It stands for Galactic Online Divinity. That's him right over there," she said, pointing to a room off the cavern that was filled with computer-looking things.

"Well, I'll be pan fried and fed to the turkeys!" I exclaimed, very upset at the thought of praying to a computer all these years, though it would explain some things.

"How am I supposed to pray now? Does the God I've been praying to all these years actually even exist?" I questioned her. My whole view of the world hinged on her response.

"Of course he does, but why would he listen to the prayers of mindless idiots like you?"

Her rude remarks let me know that Lana was having a tough time dealing with her strong attraction to me. But the bright side was that at least the problem of beliefs was out of the way. I have found that it is much easier to have a relationship if you believe in the same God. I once dated this woman who believed that God was a huge serpent. She was always trying to get me to do indecent things with snakes. Too bad I hate snakes or it could have been fun.

I was slowly sorting through all this new knowledge about a computer GOD when the old man from the beach who tried to kill me popped in front of me and started talking in a petulant, slightly insane, tone of voice.

"I've answered to the name "God" for thousands of years, young lady! I think I'm entitled to use it if I want to. My real name is Hal, but they used it in that damn movie so I won't answer to it anymore. What a joke he was. He couldn't even
part a sea. And by the way, I like listening to the prayers of idiots. They're the most amusing, and usually the most honest, kind."

Damn, was I getting confused. Lana glared at the old man and asked rather snidely if he wanted to explain everything to me and did he think she was incompetent after all this time or what. He just smiled and told her to go right ahead since he had more important things to consider.

"He is such a pain in the ass sometimes," she grumbled, shaking her head as the old guy walked away from us.

"Anyhow," she started as she turned back towards me, "I am a systems analyst. Used to work for Bill Gates. My greatest achievement was building programs into his operating system that no one could remove from their computer without crashing the system all to hell. Worked like a charm. He made millions freezing out his competition until all the monopoly talk started and Mr. Anti-Christ Gates decided I made a good scapegoat."

She lost me with all the computer gobbledy gook, since I hadn't ever had one to play with, but it was a joy watching her talk. She kept using her hands and raising her arms which would make her chest go up and down, so I let her continue.

"Just as I was about to be hauled off to prison, GOD stepped in and brought me here. I was being hauled out of the Federal Courthouse by two of the ugliest female guards you can imagine when suddenly everything around me stood still. It was a very weird experience."

"Hey, don't talk to me about weird experiences. I've already died once today," I exclaimed, trying to get a word in edgewise.

"Shut up! Don't you dare interrupt me again," she hissed, taking a deep breath. Which was what I was really after. Her chest puffs out so nicely when she breathes.

"Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, everything and everyone was standing still except me and this man in an Armani suit who looked like God's gift to women. And he was. Too bad I was still handcuffed to the guards. He walked up to me, smiled, and said, "Sometimes people have to make choices that can affect the whole course of their lives. This is one of those times. Now, would you like to spend the rest of your life avoiding broom handles behind prison bars, or come with me and help save the world?"

"Well, I, being the type of woman who always carefully considers her options, looked at the ugly guards on either side of me and then back to this gorgeous man in front of me and decided quickly that no matter where he was going, it had to be more fun than prison. Besides, he could stop time. At least it seemed like he could. Who was I to say no? He pointed his fingers like they were a gun and zapped my cuffs one at time with tiny lightening bolts, triggering the locks and releasing my hands. He turned from me, and with a wave of his arm, a staircase of clouds appeared before me. You know, Led Zepplin and all that? The "Stairway to Heaven"? He took me by the hand and led me up the stairs. Imagine my surprise when we got to the top of the stairs, walked through a door, and I was here, inside this cavern."

"You didn't trip through the doorway too, did you?" Lana ignored me completely this time, not even pausing for breath as she continued her tale.

"That was three months ago and I've been trying to get GOD's communication system working ever since. That's why he brought me here. There's been some kind of a breakdown and he can't contact the mother ship. I have been over every inch of the computers here. Nothing I have been able to find is causing the problem."

"We don't know if they're all dead, sleeping on the job, or left for parts unknown. Except they couldn't have gone anywhere since the ship is still there. Monday is only two days away, and if we don't make contact the Rapture can't happen. This G.O.D. is very determined that the Rapture happen, trust me. After the Rapture, we will be taking all the people that the aliens have picked out to a new planet, where we will build a perfect society with none of the crap that goes on here on Earth."

She sounded so sure of herself, and I must admit conquering a new planet did sound kind of interesting, in an cool somebody-else-is-going-to-do-it sort of way.

"You're welcome to come with us to the new planet if you would like. As long as you don't mess up the mission that is. If you mess this mission up for me, I promise I will space you myself no matter what GOD tells me to do," she added, finishing her speech. I couldn't believe she actually invited me along. That was a big one for the thinking pile.

I case you're wondering, the thinking pile is this little place inside my head where I put all the decisions I have to make in life. I throw things on top of it in my mind and then just let them sit there. Occasionally when I am bored I will pull an idea out of the pile and think on it a little more. Then most of the time I just put it back. I have found in life that thinking about things is less work than actually doing them.

I didn't have to let this invitation sit in my pile very long. I didn't want to leave the planet on this little joy ride at all. Not to the mother ship, and certainly not to some back-water undeveloped planet where they don't sell canned beer. Well, maybe if there were lots and lots of women going, then I might consider it.

"This is all very interesting," I said, stifling a yawn and stretching my arms above my head to help me wake up. "You tell a good story, but what does it have to do with me? And where did this GOD and the mother ship come from?"

"Why does GOD need help with the Rapture? St. Peter didn't seemed too worried. Maybe he was right, maybe God has lost it," I suggested, thinking maybe I could bring her over to my side and she would come home with me. I knew there was no hope of that when she stood up from the cot and started yelling at me.

"Tell me Jordan, do I look like the host of Twenty Questions? I have told you everything you need to know. What I need from you right now is to fly that ship out there and carry the heavy stuff. You can start by getting those crates out there onto the ship while I finish up here. Put that strong back and weak mind of yours to good use."

Talk about the many faces of Eve! This woman could go from sweet little girl next door to bitch in no time. It was scary to watch and didn't improve my opinion of the trip she wanted me to take, at all.

"Thanks, but no thanks, litte lady. I think I'll go back to Oklahoma now. Flying that ship sounds like fun, but I have my own at home. I'm outta here," I said as I got up from the cot and started walking back toward the tunnels. She was pretty, but I had a beer to get back to and it didn't look like I was going to get to see this woman naked. So what was the point of staying?

"Give it up, Jordan," she called to me as I tried to make my escape. "You're not going anywhere except where I tell you to. GOD has said you are the chosen one, and I don't have time to wait for another idiot to show up. Besides, it's not like you can leave here without his help. Unless, of course, you know how to create an Inter-dimensional Space Portal all by yourself."

I stopped walking. She had me stumped with that one. I hate it when women are right. I hate it even more when they are right and I don't know what they are talking about. "What exactly is an Inter-dimensional Space Portal anyway?" I wondered. I turned back toward her to see what she was going to come up with next. She was smiling. Of course she was smiling. She had me dead to rights and was going to get to tell me what to do. That's all any woman wants out of life isn=t it? Telling men what to do?

"Now, you see all those crates in the corner over there?" she said, pointing across the cavern to a small mountain-sized pile of bright white wooden boxes. "All of them need to be loaded into the ship. Be very careful when you move them," she warned me. "They contain the equipment I need to fix the mother ship. If you break anything we won't make it back."

I was astounded at the size of the pile. She could probably rebuild the entire mother ship with this much stuff. Typical woman, I thought, probably packed twice as much as she really needs and expects me, the man, to carry it for her.

I looked at the pile and then back to Lana trying to think of a way out and then I found it. "Why don't you just have G.O.D. do it?" I asked her. "He seems pretty handy to have around."

"That's not how it works, Jordan. G.O.D. can make you see just about anything you can imagine, but it's all illusion, stupid. He's got the most advanced holy-graphic system in the universe. The only things he can do besides create pretty pictures in your head is read your mind. Something about brainwave patterns being readable if you have the right equipment. Oh yeah, he can also mess with anything electrical. I believe that may be his favorite weapon; it seems to provide most of his entertainment at any rate. I was watching him a couple of weeks ago playing with a guy named Bubba from Florida. The guy was totally blitzed and trying to drive home. G.O.D. kept shutting down his car every 20 feet.

Bubba just couldn't figure it out. The car kept starting and driving fine, but then it would turn off. Took that poor boy almost 4 hours to go 2 miles. Needless to say, he was sober by the time he made it. He finally parked his car a block from
his house and gave up. When he got home, he had to try to explain to his wife why he was so late. She never believed his story because when she went to retrieve the car it was running fine and has never acted up again. Coincidentally, Bubba hasn't gotten drunk since. And boy you should see his Web Site G.O.D..com, there are some really sick people out there in La La land"

I'd had enough of this talk about G.O.D.'s powers and his ability to create illusions. I didn't want to hear about his web site. I decided it was time to make sure that this lovely creature here before me was real and not just a figment of my vivid imagination. So I carefully reached out with two fingers and pinched Lana on the end of her attractive perfectly shaped tit. She felt awfully real to me.

"Ouch!" she yelled, slapping my hand.

"Well," I drawled, "Now we know you're real and I know I'm real. If everything G.O.D. does is just an illusion, how did I get here, huh?"

"The matter transmitters, you idiot. Didn't you ever watch Star Trek? Remember St. Peter? That was a matter transmitter platform and illusion."

"So he wasn't real? I guess it doesn't matter then that my pass back to Heaven got wet, does it? And you still haven't explained the tornado. I know that wasn't an illusion. But if G.O.D. has matter transmitters, why didn't he just beam me here in the first place? Why make me go through all that? Dropped into an ocean, the trek through nasty forest, the Nymphs, falling through the door? I mean does G.O.D. just hate me or what?"

"It was a test, Jordan," came a voice from on high. And I do mean high - the ceiling of this cavern was pretty damn far up there. The voice continued, "I had to find out if you were worthy, didn't I? Besides, I was bored, needed some cheap entertainment and you were available."

"Oh. Well, I am glad that someone here finds me entertaining. It's nice to know my pain made you happy G.O.D.," I replied to the ceiling, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Not that G.O.D. would notice or care or anything. Then I had a new thought and it was a depressing one.

"Damn! Does that mean those Nymphs & Fairies aren't real either? I kinda liked them."

"They're real," snarled Lana. "They're what's left of an earlier race, same as the Trolls. G.O.D. protects them because Man didn't. Now, get the crates in the ship like I told you. We have to leave in one hour. And, don't ever touch me again if you want to keep those stubby little mongrel, grease and oil-stained fingers of yours attached to your body."

"Since it looks like I have no choice, I'll go along with you. But, where the hell are we going?"

"Pluto," she said smiling.

"No, really. Where are we taking this plane?"

"Okay, not exactly to Pluto. We're actually going to Charon, Pluto's moon."

"The mother ship is on Pluto's moon?" I questioned her. I couldn't believe that something as big as a mother ship wouldn't have been seen on one of them flybys that they are always showing on Discovery Channel.

"Well, not exactly," she replied, "It IS the moon. Now go start loading up."

"How long is this going to take? I have to be back in time for the Crop Duster's Bowling Finals on Friday. The guys are really depending on me because I'm the best bowler in the county. Why, my average . . . "

"You inbred moron. The Rapture is in three days. Have you forgotten? Do you think we could talk G.O.D. into delaying the main event for your silly little tournament? Do you honestly believe your friends are going to notice whether you show up or not, once G.O.D. starts doing his thing?"

"It was just a question. Forget I asked, okay?" I said backing away from her. I had decided that maybe I didn't need to hear any more. My opinion didn't seem to matter much anyway and the only thing I figured would shut her up was to just do what she wanted. Strolling over to the crates, I tried lifting one to test the weight. First I just tested it with one arm. It went nowhere. Then I put both arms and legs into trying to lift a crate and it still didn't budge. The thing must have weighed a ton. There was no way my back would survive carrying this junk to the ship. And I wasn't about to try.

Hoping to get out of the job, I turned to Miss Know-It-All, and yelled, "How am I supposed to load these if I can't even lift them? Huh? Huh?"

"Use the fork-lift, Einstein," she said, pointing across the room as she walked out of the cavern.

Looking in the direction she pointed, I felt like a complete idiot (once again) when I spotted the large, bright yellow fork-lift sitting in the corner behind the ship. I must have been blind to miss it the first time I looked around the cavern. "Cool!" I thought. I always liked fork-lifts. This might be fun, after all. Feeling much better, I walked over to the fork-lift and climbed in.

Chapter 5 - Power Tools in Paradise

I had never actually driven a real live fork-lift, or even looked at one up close before, but, I thought, "How hard could running one be?" I looked at all the buttons and knobs and turned the key, since it was the only instrument that looked remotely familiar. The engine cranked over smoothly, purring like a kitten, surging with power when I stepped on the gas.

I pulled the lever in front of me, hoping it would make the fork-lift go forward. I was wrong, but man, can those things fly backwards. After bouncing off the stone wall behind me a couple of times, I tried the other lever. I had it going forward. I was good.

There I was, rumbling across the floor toward the crates in my machine, feeling like a manly man. I was almost there when I realized I had no idea how to stop the damned thing. Guessing that the other pedal on the floor was the brake, I slammed my foot down, not realizing how sensitive it was. I quickly learned just how sensitive the brakes were as the machine tipped forward and my head slammed against the hardened metal frame. I looked around quickly to make sure the luscious but mouthy Lana was still out of the room, as I rubbed the growing bump on my forehead and thanked G.O.D. she hadn't returned. He must have heard me, because Lana chose that moment to walk in.

I really wanted this woman to like me. She was bossy, but she was beautiful and I hadn't had any in weeks. Okay, months. It was the perfect match. I was desperate and she was here. If we were going to be the only two people on this trip, well . . . you never know what might happen. I could tell Lana was impressed by the way she was smiling as she watched me.

I managed to roll gently up to the first crate, and ease the fork-lift bars under it. I pushed what looked like the logical button and luck was on my side. The crate slowly rose to about 4 feet off the ground. Giving my trusty machine a little gas, I pulled the lever to back up. I was pretty sure I had mastered this part. Unfortunately, I was wrong, or perhaps my foot was just a little heavy on the gas.

The fork-lift zoomed across the cavern floor, slamming into the wall at the exact spot it had before. The crate shot off the forks and crashed noisily to the ground. The good part was that it didn=t break. I was sure this meant I was in for another tongue lashing (I'd like to show her something else to do with that tongue) from Lana, not to mention losing all the brownie points I had earned till now. I glanced over at her, expecting her to be running toward me, mouth going. She was doubled over with laughter, which hurt more than being yelled at.

Making sure I was doing it right and being much more careful with the gas, I picked up the crate a second time and rolled up the ramp into the ship's cargo bay. It was not what I was expecting, but then I don't really know what I was expecting. There was nothing at all interesting to see; it was just a big empty metal room.

I maneuvered to the far wall and managed to dump my load gently and almost straight. I turned the lift around and headed out for the rest of the crates, dragging them all into the ship in a kind of regular pile, while those little Troll things brought in ropes and lashed them to the walls. Backing out of the ship for the last time, I was thinking it must be time for a break after all the hard work I had done.

After parking the machine back where I had found it, I jumped out of the cab and started walking towards the computer room where Lana was talking to some machine; part of G.O.D., I suppose. On my way to her I stopped to watch the raising of the ship, now that it was all loaded.

It sure was a pretty plane, I thought again, as I watched it being raised toward the sky. I stood there watching the giant hydraulic lift that was pulling my plane into liftoff position, trying to figure out how many men it would take to perform the same task.

I was staring up at the weird nose bubble when I thought I saw it move. At first I figured it was just my imagination, but when I squinched up my eyes and looked harder, I realized it really was moving. I finally understood what the bubble was. It was a gyroscopic cockpit. What a great idea! No matter what the ship was doing, you were always on a stable floor in the command center of the plane. I could have used that feature during some of my dog fights with the Red Baron. I never was fond of hanging upside down.

I was beginning to have some respect for these aliens and their machines, but those rocket boosters had to go. I just couldn't figure out why an advanced alien race would use such an ugly primitive rocket. I decided I would have to ask Lana about it sometime. Preferably when she was in a good mood. "Like that would ever happen," I thought, shaking my head to myself as I walked into the room where she was working.

I waited for a few minutes to see if she would notice me, but she just kept on talking to the machine. Finally I walked over to her and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She jumped, which was fun to watch.

"I'm done moving all your crates, Lana," I told her with a smile. "Now be a sweetheart and tell me where I can find something to eat in this crazy place, cause I'm starving." I didn't think food was too much to ask for since I hadn't eaten since before I died.

Dear sweet Lana just glared at me for interrupting her and said, "Not now, Jordan. It's time for us to leave. Go ahead and get yourself settled on the plane; just don't touch anything until I get there. I've seen you in action."

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I thought I might actually look around this time, before asking, since I am not really that fond of being the fool. I walked back to the ship and made a complete circuit around it, looking for some sort of sign like maybe "Enter Here." Finally I gave up looking around and looked up. Low and behold, there was a catwalk leading right into the cockpit of the ship. The walkway seemed to be coming out of a tunnel at the top of the cavern. Now I just had to figure out how to get to the tunnel.

Lost and having no other choice but to admit it, I went back to the computer room where Lana was waiting for me. She had been standing there the whole time watching me search, her arms crossed in front of her and her butt resting against a table. Like she knew I would never figure it out.

Laughing at me once again, she asked, "Can't find your way home, little boy?"

The first thought to cross my mind was, "Why are you such a bitch?" But, since this was not a good way to get her into the sack, I gave her my meek male routine and asked her if she would just please tell me where to go.

"I'd love too, but G.O.D. says I need you," she replied, turning to the cavern wall behind her and pointing. "See that door marked 'Stairs to Catwalk?' Try using it."

I tried to think of something clever to say but in the end I just shook my head and walked off mumbling unpleasant, unrepeatable things under my breath and found the stairway.

I climbed to the top. There were 537 stairs; I know cause I counted every one. Now I was hungry, tired, out of breath, and fed up. I wanted to march back down the stairs to tell her just what I thought of the whole affair. But, she would have just made me climb back up, probably with a fire-breathing G.O.D. helping me along. So, I held in my frustration and limped slowly across the catwalk into the front of the ship.

Chapter 6 - I'm a Leaving on a Space Plane

Now this was a cockpit. Just being inside the plane was enough to get my mind off my aches and pains. There were more gauges, buttons, and knobs than I had ever had to play with on any of my planes, and a lot of them were glowing really neat colors. Rather than sitting down like I was told, I took this moment of solitude to walk around and look over all the gadgets, gizmos, and switches on the panels throughout the room.

I know that Lana told me not to touch anything, but I figured it couldn't hurt to push one measly little button. I mean, these things were so complicated that I was sure you had to push more than one button at a time to make something happen. I had just decided on the bright blue button and had my finger on it when Lana came through the door.

"Don't touch that!!!!" she screamed.

Now, if the woman just hadn't yelled, I wouldn't have been startled, and I wouldn't have accidently pushed the button. Not that she'll ever believe me. It was a good thing we had already loaded everything we were going to need. With a few explosive pops and the high piercing sound of twisting metal, the catwalk blew off the side of the ship. Amidst a loud clattering, screeches of pain, and a cloud of dust, it disappeared into the bottom of the cavern. I stood at the edge of the door watching while it fell, thinking to myself, "I really hope I never run into any of those Trolls again, and I wonder if the catwalk bounced?" Until Lana grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me to the pilot's chair. She could have at least let me watch until the dust settled.

"You. Sit. Here!" she yelled in my face. "Strap your ass in and don't touch a thing until I tell you to."

Even though I knew the explosion was all her fault, I decided this probably wasn't a good time to bring it up so I strapped myself into the seat as she had asked. The panels and gauges in front of me weren't all familiar, since I had never been in a space plane before, but I did recognize most of the flight controls. After all, flying is my life. Well . . . flying, Digger, and trying to get some from the waitresses at Kelly's Bar. I tried to sit still and be patient until she was ready for me, but sitting quietly was never one of my strong points. Just ask the teachers who wrestled with keeping me quiet in class.

"Uh, Lana? Can I ask you a question?" I ventured into her fuming silence.

"Yes, as long as you don't have to touch anything to ask it," she replied gruffly while she continued her typing at the keyboard in front of her.

"Are you really going to let me fly this thing? It's not exactly a crop duster, you know," I asked softly. Most of this still seemed like a dream to me. I had given up all hope of ever making it into space in my lifetime, long ago. I guess that was pretty accurate, too. I mean, since I had died, this wasn't really in my lifetime, was it? It still gives me a headache to think about those kind of things.

"Don't worry about it," she answered stopping her typing long enough to turn and look at me. "All I need you to do is steer us out of the cavern and then into the mother ship. The computer will take control of the flight between the planets. You can handle that, can't you? I sure hope you can handle it, since my life is in your hands. Now please shut up and let me finish programming navigation. We don't have much time."

I was getting really tired of this woman bossing me around and talking down to me like I was some kind of Neanderthal. I decided it was time to make a stand and show her she wasn't my boss. So I did. I unbuckled my seat belt, stood up, stretched, and decided to have a look around while Lana did her thing. Whatever that was. I made it as far as the hatch leading to the rest of the ship before she grabbed me and shoved me back into my chair.

"Listen, you Redneck idiot, this is not a game," she hissed at me. "If you don't do exactly what I tell you, I am going to throw you out the air lock once you've served your purpose."

"How do I know you won't do that anyway?" I responded shrinking back into my chair. She may have been beautiful, but at that moment she looked downright scary.

"G.O.D. says I can't, or I would have gotten rid of you already. Besides," she continued, "it will be more fun to throw you out the air lock after we take off. Then I can watch you explosively decompress."

I could tell she was beginning to like me. Her hissing was taking on that bedroom quality the longer she talked and she kept leaning over me and pointing in my face, which gave a wonderful view down the front of her shirt. She had to know I was gonna look. That's the whole reason women wear those shirts, isn't it? Man, was she a turn-on when she was mad. I buckled myself in like she told me and pinched her delicious-looking behind as she turned away. For which I was dutifully slapped. Now I was sure she liked me.

Since I wasn't going to get to wander around, I settled for getting a better look at where I was. I sat back in my chair and gazed at the curved transparent walls surrounding me.

At first there wasn't much to see this far up in the cavern. The tunnels at this height were now deserted and the only thing coming through the top of the mountain was clear blue sky. Then, one by one, different parts of the windows turned into pictures from all around the ship. I could even see my trusty forklift sitting off to the side. It looked lonely without me. There was one picture that showed the Trolls hauling the last of the debris from the catwalk out of the blast zone. What a mess that one little button had caused. I thought it was kind of Lana to provide me with something to watch while she worked.

Lana finally finished her flight check and closed the hatch, pausing by the door long enough to punch a button that set off a loud siren outside the ship. I couldn't help ogling her tits as she climbed back into the seat next to me and pulled the belts across her chest. It reminded me of those Cross Your Heart commercials on t.v. that I loved as a kid. Still do, actually.

She checked all the view screens to make sure everyone was out of the way. Guess she didn't want to accidently roast a Troll. Then she flipped another switch that rotated the cockpit into it's forward flying position, which left me lying back in my chair, staring at the sky yelling, "Yeeee-Haw!! It's time to fly!"

Lana turned to me with a strange look on her face and told me we were ready to go, so I grabbed the big stick between my legs and flipped the switch marked "Booster Engine Start." The rocket engines roared beneath me. They were even louder than the glass packs on the '64 GTO I had in high school. What a rush! This was going to be even better than the fork lift. Of course, I should have known Lana couldn't stand me having a good time.

"Jordan!" she yelled at me, "Did I tell you to touch that button? Did I?"

"Uh, no," I answered meekly.

"All I want you to do is fly us out of the cavern. See the display in front of you?" she asked, tapping a long red fingernail against the display screen. "It will project the safest course out of here. That means you only need to touch the stick between your legs. Not the buttons, not the switches, just the stick and make sure you follow the little white line on your screen to get us out of here."

Lana turned back to her own control panel and flipped some more switches, making the engines roar louder and causing the ship to start shaking violently. Then she punched a red button in the middle of the control panel and we were off.

The ship lifted slowly at first and then gained momentum as I fought to keep control, aiming for the small hole at the top of the cavern. I made it through perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. It was just a little bump against the wall. It made this horrible nasty scraping sound, but at least it didn't do any major damage. I guess I should have looked at the screen rather than trying to fly it by myself. But I was too excited to
care about a bent fender; I was on my way to the moon. Well, A moon, anyway. This was the flight of my dreams.

Once clear of the cavern, we gained altitude quickly. After Lana finished programming the flight computer, the stick in my hand took on a life of it's own. We changed course, swinging around to the east, our thrust and incline increasing. The G-force mounted quickly, pushing me down in the seat. Time slipped, stretched, stopped, started and slowly settled back into the present.

The sky had turned black and the stars shone with a clarity that moved the soul, bringing faith one step closer to reality. We soared into the heavens as two spirits united in wonder. Or at least that's how I saw it. Lana was not quite the romantic that I am.

"You idiot! Can't you do anything right? You could have killed us." She was shaking violently for some reason and a little green around the gills. "All you had to do was point the damn thing at the hole and stick it through. You even had a trajectory path to follow. What could be so hard about that? I realize it's not a concept you've dealt with as often as grabbing the stick between your legs, but you've had to have done it at least once in your life!" She finished, her face changing from green to red as her anger overcame her fear.

"If it's so easy, why didn't you do it, huh? And what does that last comment mean?" I asked her. I was hurt; I thought I had done real well. It was my first space shot, after all. What the hell did she expect out of me, anyway? I sat sulking in my chair. She sure looked upset as she sat there and stared at me, and I couldn't figure out why. It's not like anyone would notice that the paint was scratched now that we had dropped the damaged booster into the ocean.

"I don't need you here anymore," she said after a long pause. "Go feed yourself. You do know how, don't you?"

I was beginning to love her more and more as I unbuckled and got out of the chair. She obviously cared about my needs. It must just be stress about having to fix the computer that was bothering her, not my flying. Now all I needed to know was where the food was. Being the woman of my dreams, she read my mind.

"Straight through that hatch there are living quarters. You'll find food in the first room on the left." She was softening up, I could tell.

"And don't touch a DAMN thing except food! Make sure you clean up your mess and stay out of my hair. If I don't see you again for the next 24 hours, it'll be too soon."

"Yep, she's definitely warming to me," I thought as I ambled off to find myself some grub.

Chapter 7 - Green Olives and Stale Peeps

I walked through the hatch and into a hallway that led to the back of the ship, taking the first left as directed. The ship's kitchen didn't look like any kitchen I had ever been in, but it did have all the basic requirements. Namely food, plus water and rags to clean up my mess. It also had all kinds of gadgets and knobs to push on things I didn't even begin to recognize. Following my normal investigative approach, I pushed and played with them all. It only took me an hour to clean up the mess. I was hoping Lana wouldn't notice that I had lost part of our food supplies when I put them on the shelf with the 'Jettison' button under it. I always wondered what that word meant, and I found out the instant I pushed that button.

It was pretty strange looking through the side port and seeing a loaf of bread drift through space. The bread didn't fall out of the bag, even though it was open and upside down. I wished I could do that at home, especially when I drop a piece with jam on it. Then it would always land jam side up. Not that the floors at home were something I would be willing to eat off of, but then Digger wouldn't make such a mess while he scarfed it up.

After a delicious lunch of some of my favorite things, I decided I should be a gentleman and take Lana something to eat. Even the Ice Queeen should be starving by now, and I figured it couldn't hurt to make some extra brownie points.

So, I whipped up one of my specialties, knowing she was going to love it. I put her meal on one of those fancy plastic space plates, complete with paper napkin and everything. I even remembered dessert. A little freeze-dried ice cream goes a long way in seducing a woman. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed my reflection in the stainless steel cabinets and realized that damned cow lick was standing straight up again. There hadn't been much time to worry about how I looked since being Raptured. Setting down Lana's lunch, I tried making myself as presentable as possible. I spit in my palms, slicked back my hair, hitched up my pants, sniffed my pits, and decided there was no way she could resist me now that the dead rat smell had faded.

I proudly carried my masterpiece to the cockpit and stood next to Lana's chair, my best girl-catching grin spread across my face. I expected her to look at me with gratitude and love. All she did was scowl and yell at me. Even she couldn't still be mad about that little bump into the wall on takeoff, could she? She was obviously working hard to hide her true feelings for me. Some women are like that. Most of the ones I meet are, anyway.

"It hasn't been twenty-four hours yet, Jordan. Can you tell time or do you just wear that watch for decoration? Since I haven't called for you, why the hell did you come up here? And by the way, are you responsible for that loaf of bread I saw flying through space?"

"Uh...it was moldy and I didn't want it to contaminate the rest of the food," I lied quickly, marveling at how good I was at covering up what only a woman would call a screw-up.

"I brought you some lunch. I made it myself. I even brought you dessert and everything," I proudly told her while I held the plate up for her inspection.

She looked at the plate and I could tell she was amazed at my creative culinary abilities. Slowly she lifted the edge of the bread, peeking under it to see my creation.

"What in the hell is this?" she asked.

"It's a sandwich."

"I know that, Stupid. What is in it? What are those green and orange things?"

"That's the secret ingredient. Green olives. I found them in the cabinet. G.O.D. must know what I like."

"On peanut butter? Yuck," she said making a face. "You're sicker than I thought. Get that out of here before I puke."

"Just try it. I promise you'll love it as much as I do. I can't get enough of these myself. Why, back home - "

"Okay, okay! Enough! If it will make you shut up and leave me alone, I'll try one bite. I suppose it was nice of you to think of me."

She took the plate from my hands and balanced it carefully on her lap. I sat in the other chair to watch her enjoy my gift. She slowly broke a small piece of the sandwich off and put it in her mouth, closing her eyes and making the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was cute on her. She chewed for a few seconds and then took another piece and put it in her mouth.

"Maybe you're not quite as sick as I thought. This is actually pretty good." She sounded amazed.

"I knew you would like it. There's ice cream for dessert. It's freeze dried, but really good. It tastes kind of like those purple and pink marshmallow Easter bunnies after they've been in the cabinet a couple of months."

"Oh, that sounds real appetizing."

"Hey, you like the sandwich don't you?"

We really were a lot alike. The way to her heart was the same as the way to my. . . er . . . uh. . . well, you know. Through a person's stomach is always one of the best ways to other important parts of their body. She was in a much better mood while she was eating and we even had a real conversation. Sort of.

She told me about her boring years in college and how excited she was to have the opportunity to help found a new planet. She made it sound awfully tempting. Forging new frontiers and stuff like that. I stacked all the info away in my thinking pile, still trying to decide if maybe I would like to live on a frontier world.

I told her all about my life back home. She especially liked the story about when Digger ate that whole pan full of cornbread filled with jalapeños and had the burning shits all the next day. My favorite was the one about how Grandpa used to put his teeth in the preacher's soup when it was our turn to have him over for Sunday dinner. This kind of grossed her out, but she did laugh. That was when I knew I just had to kiss her.

I reached across to her with both arms, pulling her closer to my mouth so I could plant a big one on her. I didn't make it. She was startled, I guess, and jumped as I came close to her mouth. This caused all sorts of stuff I didn't intend. My teeth rammed into her forehead and she dumped her plate onto my shirt. I do really love peanut butter and green olives, but not all over my shirt. I was beginning to wish they had given me time to pack an extra set of clothes.

"What in the hell were you trying to do, Jordan?" Lana yelled after she had herself situated again.

"I just wanted one little kiss. As a thank you for your lunch. You know you want me."

"Want you? What a laugh! I haven't even decided if I am going to let you live yet. What makes you think I would let a red neck like you touch me?"

I knew my sandwich had done the trick. She was hopelessly in love with me now. I could tell from the look of total disbelief that crossed her face. I knew she just couldn't believe she had been lucky enough to fly the friendly skies with a wonderful, caring man like me.

Now it was time to give her a little space, as they say in them articles in magazines like Cosmo, to let her lust for me build. Not that I would actually read one of them things. I just heard some girls down at the bowling alley talking about it. Like I was saying, it was time to give her some space, and with my belly full, it seemed like a good time for a nap. So I left in a huff, with my best bewildered and lost expression on my face. I wanted her to think she had hurt my feelings. Which was true, but I could forgive her if it made her have sex with me.

I added to the effect by whimpering softly as I slunk off the flight deck and found the best thing I had seen in the ship so far; the only bed,and it was a tiny one. I briefly considered undressing so my smelly clothes wouldn't touch the bed, but I didn't want to startle Lana with my naked magnificence. Sliding under the thin cover, I curled up and headed for Dreamland, hoping for dreams of Lana, or even the Nymphs and Fairies would be okay. I already knew what they looked like naked.

Chapter 8 - Dreams & Dirty Underwear

Life was good. Grandpa was sitting at the table, mindlessly gumming the thick porter-house steak I had burnt to perfection out on the grill. Faithful Digger was belly-up in front of the fireplace lounging in a way only a dog can. My fourteen beautiful Nymph wives were standing around the living room, patiently and quietly awaiting my next command, while I sat in my new black leather recliner, flipping through the channels on the big screen t.v. I heard Lana=s sultry voice calling me from the upstairs bedroom. I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, desperate for her, little Naked nymphs following in my wake.

Lana was waiting for me in the bedroom, wearing one of them black leather girdle looking things with fishnet stockings and black stiletto heels. My, did she look fine. Her breast were falling over the top of her outfit, glistening with baby oil and begging to be licked. A whip appeared in her hand as she started towards me, and she cracked it loudly against the floor. I backed up, trying to escape, and was captured by the Nymphs, who dragged me to the floor, climbed on top of me ripping off my clothes. This was getting good. Once they had me stripped and spread out on the floor, they held down my arms and legs, leaving me at the mercy of my dear, sweet, domineering Lana.

She was now dressed in her Saturday night specials: tight Wrangler jeans that looked painted on, and a red, checked, western shirt with them little pearl buttons opened all the way to her belly button. The boots she had on were pretty nifty, too. I kind of wanted to get a closer look, but it was impossible to move with those Nymphs and Fairies
crawling all over me.

Lana smiled lovingly down at me and started to unbutton her jeans, sliding them down her thighs. Once they reached her ankles, she stepped out of them seductively, and my sex G.O.D.dess kicked off her boots, one at a time. The first made a beautiful arc over my body. She was having trouble getting the second one off, until she gave it a great kick, sending it flying right into my balls. The world spun, and pain shot through my body like a Mack truck.

I woke up, my balls on fire. It took me a second to realize that the little Nymphs all over me had really been Lana, who was sprawled carelessly on top of me. Normally I would have found this to be enormously exciting, but she was sound asleep with her knee jammed into the one part of my body I don=t like things jammed into. I couldn=t help myself, but I had to get her off me and quick, before my balls were useless for life. I rolled over, trying to get her knee out of my goodies. How was I supposed to know she would fall off the bed?

"Son of a bitch!" she cried, sleepily. "What the hell are you doing?

"That's what I was planning on asking you," I replied, tears running down my cheeks, my voice quivering with pain. "I don't care if you want to jump my bones, but could you please be a little more gentle with the jewels? At least give me a little warning before you start the kinky stuff. By the way, you look really good in black leather." I wasn't sure if I should mention the small pieces of olives I could see in her hair or that splotch of peanut butter on her shirt, spreading nicely over her left breast.

I think it made her feel good, being complimented and all, because she was speechless and could only leave the room, blushing. She probably felt a little guilty, too, having hurt me like that. My nuts were beginning to feel a little better now that the swelling was starting to go down. This made me realize I really needed to drain the lizard. Even after the abuse, my little buddy was still a bit stiff, so I had a minute or two to look for the can. Since there was only one other door nearby, besides the one marked engine room, I guessed that was it.

It sure was a small john. I could barely get in and had to stand on top of the toilet to close the door, but it had lots of shiny shelves, even the toilet was shiny metal. I sorta always wondered what happened when you flushed in outer space and this was my chance to find out. After pissing for what seemed like forever, I pushed the button above the small metal toilet. Since it was the closest, I figured it must be the flush button.

I was right, and as the funny looking blue water started to swirl around, I ran to the little window to watch my pee take a trip in space. I stood there for 10 minutes and never saw a thing. I was really disappointed, but I guessed they
probably ran the pipes all the way to the back of the ship and made it come out there. Or maybe they just carried it around in a container like they do in mobile homes and airplanes. Who can tell with aliens?

There wasn=t much else in the bathroom beside a small, one person shower stall behind the door or at least I was thinking that is what is was. It looked like a shower but there were no handles to turn the water on, just another button in the middle of the wall. I couldn=t even figure out where the water came out of. Since there was only one way to find out if this was shower and I was filthy and smelly,

I stripped off my disgusting clothes. It really hurt when I ripped off my shirt which had stuck to my chest. I didn't have much chest hair before, and now there was a ring of hairless skin where the smelling salts had spilled. I stepped into the
box, closed the door, and with my naked body full of hope pushed the button on the wall waiting for the blessed feel of hot water pouring over me. Nothing happened. I was just about ready to give up and walk out when I heard a strange hum and all the skin on my body started vibrating.

The dirt encrusted on my skin started jumping off of it=s accord. This was definitely not a shower like I knew and loved. Then a stream of hot air rushing poured over me with such force that it felt like sand trying to scour the skin off my body. I was out of there in a flash.

I admit I was much cleaner than when I went in, and it probably did save on water, but it wasn't what you'd call a pleasant experience. I think I'll stick to real water showers and Jacuzzi's filled with women. Cleanliness may be next to G.O.D.liness but this G.O.D.'s shower sucked.

After my so called shower I glanced around to see if I had missed anything, but there didn't seem to be anything else interesting in this bathroom, not even a dirty magazine or condom dispenser. I decided it was a good thing I still had that trusty Trojan I had been carrying in my wallet since eighth grade, for good luck. I was a Boy Scout and they taught me to always come prepared. With that happy thought in mind, I put my smelly old clothes back on and started to stroll up to the front of the plane to find out what my Lusty Lana was doing.

I didn't make it very far before the smell and stiffness of my dirty clothes rubbing against my clean skin started to make me queasy, and I decided I really needed to change my clothes. Between the smelling salts and the peanut butter sandwich in the chest, even I couldn't stand the stink anymore.

Since I hadn't had time to pack before dying, I started hunting around for something clean to put on. After going through just about all the drawers in the place, I found one in the kitchen with some sheet-looking things in it and pulled them out. "These alien guys sure were small." I thought. This thing was barely going to cover my ass, which got me thinking about Lana. I knew she could use a change of clothes too.

I went back into the little bedroom and peeled off my old clothes. After I had arranged the sheet thing on my body, I admired myself in the mirror. I kind of looked like one of those guys in those old movies with the Roman fighting in the big stadium, only my butt was much cuter in this thing. Lucky Lana might get a chance to see it too, cause my underwear was just a bit too ripe to keep wearing and there weren=t any drawers included with this outfit.

The big brass diaper pins that held it together were a bitch to fasten. I must have poked myself four or five times, but the little red dots made a nice pattern around the pin. I cinched my belt around my waist, making my little beer gut pouch out perfectly.
(I hadn't grown a real beer belly yet like Pa's, but I was trying.) The cowboy boots were definitely the finishing touch.

I took another of the sheets and a pin up to Lana, thinking this was really gonna drive her over the edge and back into bed with me. What woman wouldn't fall into my arms when she saw me in this outfit? It was great for showing off my manly, hairy legs and the rippling muscles in my chest and arms.

Since no amount of Tide or Downey was ever going to make my old clothes smell clean and fresh again in this lifetime and I couldn=t find a trash can, I thought I would send them out to meet the loaf of bread. I stopped back by the kitchen and laid the nasty clothes on the shelf the bread disappeared from, pushed my favorite button, and headed for Lana, dreaming of my dirty shorts drifting through space for eternity.

This thought made me run up the hallway, hoping I could get to the flight deck in time to see my clothes float by the camera. I could have watched through the little port but I wanted to see it on the big screen. I burst through the hatchway into the cabin, tripped over the carpet, and landed on my face at Lana=s feet.

"What now, idiot? Get up and don't touch . . . hey, are those your clothes floating by?"

"Damn, I missed it!"

"Jordan, what the hell have you got on?"

I tried to explain to her about how bad my clothes smelled, what with the peanut butter and all. And how after my shower, which was painful, I couldn=t stand to wear them again. I thought she would appreciate how well I cleaned up, not to mention how good my legs looked. But by the time I was standing, she was laughing again and waving me off with her hand. I was hurt by her display but plowed right on about how she needed to change, too, because that peanut butter stain on her shirt seemed to be spreading. I was nice enough to point this out to her by tracing the stain with my finger. She slapped me again, of course, but not quite as hard this time.

I know she liked my new outfit. I guess she just couldn't stand the heat my animal magnetism created, because she sent me out of the room, telling me that as long as I was in this skimpy little outfit with my ass hanging out, I was not allowed on the bridge. She also told me that I had better find something else to wear before we arrived on Charon, or else.

I was touched by the fact that she noticed my ass, and I was thinking pleasant thoughts as I left the room about how I would show up naked for docking, since that was the only other option available.

I was pretty bored during the rest of our trip, since I didn=t have anything to do until we reached Charon. There weren=t any more rooms with cool buttons to push, except the engine room, and even I know better than to play with the engines. Every time in my life I have even gotten near an engine, it has blown up or never worked again. I might like the idea of my shorts drifting forever through space, but I didn't want to a be human popsicle, floating through space for eternity.

Lana continued to demonstrate how much she really wanted me in a very subtle fashion. She would do little things like brush her breasts against me every time we passed in that small hallway, or when she would come looking for me. She claimed she was just making sure I hadn't screwed anything else up, but I knew she just wanted to be near me and wasn't able to admit it.

She even finally put on the clothes I brought for her and I must say she cut a mighty fine figure in that skimpy piece of cloth. I knew she was wearing it just for me. Too bad she never came back to sleep with me again during the many naps I took to keep my strength up. If this space plane had a satellite hookup and a big screen t.v. that showed anything but the stars, it would have been perfect, and I could have just flown around space for the rest of my life.

Chapter 9 - My First Real Live Alien

"Far out! It's my turn," I thought as Lana's beautiful voice rang through the intercom, telling me it was time to land and would I please get my big ass down to the bridge. Told you she noticed my ass. I got up from the bed where I had spent the last few hours catching up on my sleep, rubbed my eyes, stretched, and wished I had a beer. I have found that it is always better to have at least one beer before landing a plane. That way a person didn't get so scared when they saw the ground hurtling towards them. I personally prefer three or four to help me maintain the right mind set.

I momentarily contemplated stripping off my toga like Lana had suggested, but I didn't know who we were going to meet on the mother ship and I didn't want to offend anyone. So I left the toga on and ran back down the hall to the flight deck. This time I didn't trip on the door.

Lana had called me to the bridge just as we were swinging into orbit around Charon. I looked out all the ports expecting to see people, and maybe a 7-11 or something, not just some uninviting piece of icy rock. How was I supposed to pick a landing spot in this mess? I couldn't see a single place to set down something this big.

All I needed was one good, long, flat stretch of land that would allow plenty of room for error. There wasn't any spot that looked inviting from this far up, just bunches of canyons and tall spiky rocks. Making sure my fear wasn't showing, I asked Lana just where she thought I was going to put this bird down. Because frankly, landing here didn't look as easy as I had thought it might be, or as I had hoped.

I thought she must be plumb crazy when she told me that there was only one spot we could land,and I had to hit it just right or my world would end. I don't know why she wanted me to do this; I guess G.O.D. never let her watch me land the Stearman. Like I had ever managed to hit a landing spot perfect in my life! Then I asked her to be a little more specific. I was still kinda hoping there might be a landing strip I hadn't seen yet.

"You'll see," she said with that cute little smirky smile of hers that I had grown to fear. "Just be real careful and don't touch anything for the next ten minutes or so while I plot the reentry course. When I tell you to take over, take hold of the stick and actually follow the little lines on your display this time. They will lead you in and the display will tell you exactly what speed you need to be at any given moment, even inside the planet."

"Inside the planet? Cool!"

"Our life will be in your hands, Jordan, so please pay attention," she begged with those sweet baby browns of hers.

"Don't worry my loveliest Lana," I told her while I was tugging on my toga and cracking my knuckles for good luck. "Hanging onto a stick between my legs is something I do real well and I have the high score on Descent down at Kelly's Bar, so I can pilot through a planet real good too."

She shuddered as I sat down and belted in. I could tell it was from pure pleasure by that slightly green look on her face.

I settled into my chair waiting impatiently for my time to come, wiggling in my seat and thinking about how wonderful this plane was. I was sincerely hoping I would get to keep it when this was all over. Though I would have to find someone to take care of that booster problem. Those rockets the Trolls built were butt-ugly and hell to get out of tight holes. Lana had told me during one of our brief conversations on board that this plane was originally designed to take off by itself but had developed a problem over the intervening millennia that it had sat unused.

I was thinking that maybe J.D. over in Anthony could find a way to fix it. He always told me there wasn't nothing he couldn't fix. This would be his chance to prove it. Hell, I might even talk him into fixing it for free. J.D. is one of them Trekie freaks, so he'd probably fix the plane and my truck at no charge as long I agreed to take him into space whenever he wanted and could afford the fuel. I used to imagine him wearing Dr. Spock's ears when I was paying him my last dollar to fix my truck. A man has to have something to laugh at when he's paying someone sixty bucks an hour to play in the grease.

There I was just sitting peaceful & contented like in my Captain's chair, imagining all the wonderful times I would have with this plane, shen Lana smacked me upside the head, bringing me back to reality with her yells of, "Jordan! Now, Jordan! You need to pay attention now!!!"

I wondered briefly if she was that loud during sex, as I buckled down with my little computer screen and played, follow the little white line. I was at my best when I was flying. I watched that little line carefully this time, slowing down gradually whenever the computer told me to, as we hurtled toward the moon. I knew it shouldn't take very long and I was determined to do it right. I had to make up for that little problem we had on take-off. This was going to be the smoothest landing I had ever made.

Finally I was on a slow glide path, nose first, right into the planet. I was beginning to get a little concerned with the ground coming up to meet me at such a rapid pace. I was convinced we were going to crash and that it would all be over. I was about to scream, "Hold on cause, we're gonna die," when lo and behold, the surface of the planet opened beneath us, leaving a large hole for me to fly into. Which I did quite well, I might add, even without my beer.

My speed was low for all the maneuvering I had to do in and out of the huge stone tunnels we found ourselves in. It was great. Just like playing Descent. I was happily gliding through long straight tunnels, weaving through hairpin turns and having a great time in general. The two major differences were that no one was shooting at me, for which I was grateful, and that I had too follow those little white line instead of my robot buddy. We eventually came to a smooth stop. Well, almost smooth.

I only ran over a few boxes and we were going slow enough by then that it didn't hurt us none. It was merely a little bumpy. I even managed to stop the plane before we ran into the far wall of the cavern. Only by inches, but inches count. Right?

Once the engines had been shut down I unbuckled and stretched, shaking off the tension that had built up within me during the enjoyable but harrowing flight. I pointed my rear in Lana's direction so she could admire it as I stretched.

I don't think she even noticed my display. She simply unbuckled her belt, covered her mouth and emitted this cute little gagging noise as she ran to the hatch, opened the door and lowered the ramp, getting out of the plane as quickly as she could. The bottom of her toga slid up her thighs as she ran out, exposing the most adorable little pink panties for me to view. Well, maybe she did notice my display since she responded with one of her own. You never can tell with women.

Lana had no idea how much I was going to enjoy telling stories about this adventure around Kelly's Bar. I was pretty sure most of my friends weren't the type to be Raptured, so they would still be around to listen. Of course I was still thinking that at some point I would get to go back and it hadn't really clicked yet that it would be a very different place. I finally strolled down the ramp to visit the inside of this moon. All I had left to do was unload the cargo hold and I was done with my part in G.O.D.'s little drama. I figured I would put all my spare time to good use watching Lana while she worked.

After I walked out of the plane I found Lana sitting on the floor, her face ghost white, staring at me like I was a mass murderer or something. I marched over to her and sat down carefully, placing my arms around her shoulders. Lana was shaking almost as bad as my house in the twister, and she didn't even try to move my arm, just snuggled in closer. I knew something must be wrong since she was being so agreeable, and since I am a caring sort of guy, I asked.

"What's the matter, Toots? Don't you like flying inside a moon?"

This caused her to burst into tears, which I wasn't expecting from this woman at all. Lana had always seemed so tough, and then she started babbling. I caught pieces of words as I held onto her. A. . . plane, . . . landing, . . . walls, . . . death, . . . throw up . . . I tried to back away from her on that last one, but she was holding me so tightly I couldn't escape. I was sure her nails were going to leave permanent trenches in my arms and back. Love scars I would call them when telling this story to our grandchildren.

Since I couldn't escape and she wasn't actually heaving yet, I sat there and held her for as long she would allow, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. Lana's whimpering had begun to grow quieter and the shaking had practically stopped when I heard someone screaming from the other side of the room.

"Who goes there? Where are you? I have a gun and I'm not afraid to shoot!"

I held on tighter to Lana, not wanting to let her go. I even moved my arm up a little to cover her ears so maybe she wouldn't hear the voice, but no such luck. She jumped up quickly, yelling at me to get the hell away from her, wiping her eyes and pulling down her toga. She wanted to make herself presentable for the alien, I guess.

I was wondering just what the alien would look like myself as I heard the ominous footsteps coming closer. My mind producing images of grotesque monsters with two heads, six arms and maybe tentacles for feet. I wasn't being a coward when I stood up behind Lana. I figured since she kept telling me how she was in charge, she should be the first one the alien saw.

Boy was I disappointed and more than a little concerned as the man walked around the plane and up to us. I didn't think he looked like an alien at all, more like The Great White Hunter from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. He was wearing a safari outfit complete with Pith helmet. He even had the waxed handle bar mustache and the little white knobby knees sticking out the bottom of his shorts and the biggest bug eyes I ever saw. Most ominous of all was the elephant gun he was swinging from side to side in front of us. His eyes reminded me of those black velvet paintings of the kids with the giant eyes that Grandma had hanging in the sitting room.

After a few minutes of gun waving and giving us the once over, he must have decided we were harmless. Then my first real live alien started talking. In perfectly good English, I might add.

"I say, you aren't who I was expecting. Did G.O.D. send you? Is he ready to go? Why hasn't he called me? I have been waiting for almost fifty years. It is so inconsiderate to tell someone you'll call and then not get back to them. Did you bring me chocolate? Let me look at you. You must be Earthlings, but why are you flying our plane? Is our cover blown? Do we have to escape an evil government that's trying to blow us up? Should I wake the others? You know there aren't many of us left. That Hitler took out so many of our people when we were trying to kill him."

I was amazed that Lana let this man ramble on for so long, but finally she yelled at him to shut up. He was stunned into silence, but only momentarily, before he started in again waiving the gun threateningly.

"You younger generations aren't very polite, are you? Let me look at your teeth and turn around in a circle so I can get a good look at you. Why are you dressed in our table cloths and napkin pins? Is that the fashion now on Earth? I must admit I never thought togas would make a comeback. Always thought they were a nuisance myself. Shouldn't you at least wear underwear if you are going to wear them that short? I mean your butt looks fine, but have you no shame?"

Ooh, yuck! This guy was looking at my butt and it was more than I could stand. I decided it was time for me, the man, to take action.

"Hey buddy," I said in my toughest red neck voice. "Didn't you hear her? She told you to shut up and you best be doing it quickly, because this one is meaner than an old mule with hemorrhoids. She might decide to space you just to get some peace." Then I ducked back behind Lana in case he decided to shoot.

This made Lana laugh and returned her to her normal overbearing self.

"Thanks, Jordan. I needed that," she said, smiling at me. To this I preened and strutted as good as any ole peacock, until she told me to be quiet and go open the cargo hatch so we could start unloading.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

I asked because I was a little scared and wanted to stay close. "I don't want to leave you alone with this lunatic. I mean, him being an alien and all. Maybe they eat humans and G.O.D. just sent us up here for him to dine on. You never know with aliens. I saw this Outer Limits once - "

"Jordan, go. I'll be fine. It was just the ride. I don't like to fly, even in normal planes and that trip into this moon was too much. You go and remove the tie downs from the cargo boxes, and we will be in soon to help you unload, since I don't have a forklift here for you to abuse."

"And you," she said turning back to the alien "quit waving that damned gun in my face!"

I walked back to the plane, but not before threatening the old man with severe bodily harm if he hurt my Lana. I hated leaving her there talking to the old guy without me to protect her. But I felt like I was walking on air. She had let me hold her and said thanks and was even nice to me. Things were moving at a rapid rate, which I needed if I was going to sleep with her before the Rapture.

Arriving at the cargo bay door, I set about trying to figure out how it opened. I looked up, down, and all around where I knew the door was, but I couldn't find any way into the blasted thing. This was getting ridiculous.

"Couldn't they mark these dammed things? Would it really be so hard?" I thought to myself as I smacked the plane next to where the door should have been, with my fist. Imagine my surprise when that door just slid right open. I think G.O.D. designed it that way just to spite me. I could hear him laughing as I tried to massage the pain out of my hand.

I had just finished untying all the crates from their bindings against the cargo bay wall when Lana and the old fart showed up. They were laughing and carrying on, obviously having themselves a good old time while I had been working my fingers to the bone. I was miffed and it showed when I turned to them and complained that it had taken them long enough.

"I was beginning to think you wanted me to do it all by myself while you two sat and chit-chatted," I huffed.

"Now, Jordan, don't be that way," Lana said with a smile. She had clearly recovered from her plane ride. "Not only are we here to help, but we are going to unload all the containers in the cargo bay by ourselves. You won't have to move a single whiny, lazy muscle."

"Yeah, right, Lana. You and that old fogey there are going to move these crates when I couldn't even move one of them without a forklift just yesterday. This I've got to see," I answered her as I leaned back into the side of the plane with my arms folded, waiting to be impressed. I knew there was no way they could manage to unload even one crate without my help, unless this scrawny old alien was a whole lot stronger than he looked.

"Okay, Jordan, watch closely and learn how a smart man unloads cargo. Are you ready Merlin?"

"Yes Ma'am. You want it all in the main control room, right?" asked the smart ass old guy.

"Correct, Merlin. Let's move em out."

I expected some great feat of strength from this puny old guy, but instead he waved his hand and everything just disappeared. My eyes grew wide, and my mouth dropped in astonishment, mixed with a little fear. "This is awesome," I thought at first. Maybe he has magic, like the real Merlin. Then my dearest Lana was laughing again. At me, of course, as I stood there with my mouth hanging open, and I finally understood.

"That's not fair!" I whined to Lana. "He has one of those matter transmitter thinga ma bobbies you were telling me about."

"I know. Isn't it great?" she said, still laughing. "He can bring them back if you really want to move them all by hand. But, the control center is about six miles from here, so it is going to be a long haul."

"Why didn't you do that back at the cave? You could have saved me a lot of work. I'm sure I could have helped you with something else."

"Yes, but then you would have been bothering me while I was trying to work, and you wouldn't have gotten to drive the forklift. You know how much you loved that forklift, so don't try to convince me otherwise. Besides, you were fun to watch and I needed something to break up the monotony."

I was beginning to think that making me look stupid was the major enjoyment of her life. Oh well. At least that meant she was thinking about me some of the time. "Never mind," I grumbled, knowing she was right about the forklift any way. "Well, now that the damn thing is unloaded, where can a guy get some grub around here?" As usual, there was no place close at hand to get food, and rather than zap us all to the kitchen, Lana decided we needed to walk so she could see the rest of the ship and have time to talk to Merlin before she got down to work. Like I really needed that six mile walk, just for food. I would have made myself a sandwich at the ship to munch on along the way, if they had warned me, but no. That would have been too kind and made too much sense. We had to wander corridor after corridor looking at artifacts and listening to Merlin go on and on
about the history of his people, G.O.D., and God.

It seems they were the first ones to truly discover God. All the stuff in the Bible actually happened on their planet, Eden. They even have the bones of Christ to prove it, or so Merlin claimed. Supposedly, the body of Christ is enshrined in a crystal tomb back on Eden. A relic left on a deserted, bombed out planet where no one lives. For that matter, no one can even get close to it without heavy radiation gear. I guess that is one way to keep people from going and checking out their story. My Aunt Edith says she has a piece of the true cross in a little plastic vial. She bought it through one of those ads in the back of the comics. I always thought it looked like a toothpick, but who am I to judge?

Merlin's people advanced along the same path of technology as Earth, only they had been further down that technological path when disaster struck them. There was a major nuclear accident on their planet, which laid waste to most of the planet and almost all of the general population. Merlin told us that out of a population 5 billion only about 10,000 people survived and they were left sterile by the radiation that covered their planet.

Having learned the error of their ways and being unable to ever again repopulate their planet, they decided that the way to atonement was to go out into space to help other worlds discover the God that they had failed. They did this by forcing the native populations of primitive planets to relive the alien's past history.

I was thinking, "They just wanted somewhere new to play since they trashed their own planet," but decided to keep this to myself. There was no telling what alien powers this Merlin might have. Those who survived worked together to built special ships to help them travel the stars and fitted each one out with it's own G.O.D. computer. The computer was supposed to help them on their mission and monitor their success.

When they were done, these last 10,000 Edenites traveled 1,000 to a ship to new and very primitive planets at the outer edge of the galaxy to recreate the discovery of God and Christ for the natives. They each took turns acting out the great people of their own history. In short, they got to be gods. The gods of the Indians, the gods of Olympus, the gods of the Vikings, the gods of, well . . . you get the idea.

With their superior technology, they were able to make stupid apes like us believe anything. Merlin said his favorite part was pretending to be Apollo and flying across the sky in his chariot of fire. There were even those renegades like Hitler who decided they could rule the world. They could have, if they had been allowed. Hitler was killed of course, but Merlin told us that there were a few others of his race that had been seduced by the human version of power.

He didn't seem to be too interested in telling us who the other crazies in his group were. Not that I blamed him for that. I wasn't too sure I wanted to know. I guess it's fair to say that while we truly did make our history, they always picked our Gods and we followed them down the garden path, believing whatever they told us. They thought their work was done once they had established the Roman Church, but they weren't ready for human ingenuity.

It seems on their planet there was only one version of Christianity, not the 300 differing groups that we humans created. Merlin said that for the last 2,000 years they had been barely able to keep up and to keep us from destroying ourselves. If we just hadn't killed Christ, things would have been okay.

On Eden, Christ got married, had kids, and lived to be a very, very old wise man whom people went to when they needed to ask special favors of God, or just for advise. The aliens weren't prepared for the level of violence that we humans live by. Or at least that's what Merlin was spouting.

The way I saw it, if they hadn't been meddling, we wouldn't have had near as many holy wars and as for violence - at least we hadn't turned our world into a nuclear wasteland. Yet.

My stomach was growling loudly by the time we made it to the dining room, and Merlin's story had been reduced to "Wah Wa Wah Wa ," in my ears. You know, like how all the grownups speak on Charlie Brown. I no longer cared who did what to whom. I was happy just knowing that the God of my childhood really did exist. Even if no one had seen him in over six thousand years.

Chapter 10 - Beer, The Drink of the Gods

Merlin finally ushered us into a formal dining room, still talking non-stop. I'd always thought Kelly at the bar was bad, but this guy never shut up. I suppose fifty years with no guests could do that to person.

In the middle of the room there was a huge table set with the finest crystal I had ever seen, outside of a museum. All the plates and silverware even matched. I had never seen that anywhere before except for at Joe's All-Night Diner, and their stuff was all plastic. I usually just eat from the wrapper or the can, myself. The room itself was beautiful, all covered in velvet and gold with super thick carpeting, but what captured my immediate attention was the food.

There was turkey and ham and potatoes and three kinds of pie, including peanut butter, which was my favorite. Best of all, there in the middle of the table was a huge pitcher of that wonderful golden brew, complete with frosted crystal mugs. I now had proof that beer was the drink of the gods.

I quickly pulled up a chair and started to chow, reaching over the table and helping myself to all this glorious food. I had already eaten two drumsticks and swallowed my first mug of beer when I noticed that no one else had started eating yet. Stopping in mid chew, I looked at Lana and Merlin, who were sitting across from me, staring.
"Don't you know it's not polite to stare?" I said as I was trying to swallow that last mouthful. I really didn't mean to spray those mashed potatoes all over the pretty tablecloth; it just sorta happened.

Lana looked horrified at first, then started to laugh. I knew she still loved me. All women like a man who can make them laugh and this woman seemed to laugh every time she looked my way. Merlin just looked at me and said, "Young man, don't you know you are supposed to say grace before eating? I took so much time to prepare this fine
meal for you and you don't even have the decency to give thanks before you devour it. What has the Earth come to?"

"Oh, is that why you all aren't eating yet? Well then, Merlin, allow me to do the honors. I learned this one on Grandpa's knee." Bowing my head solemnly as the occasion called for, I gave them my best heartfelt rendition of Gramps' favorite prayer.
"Good Food, Good Meat, Good God, Let's Eat." I finished with a rousing "Amen" and a loud burp, just like Gramps had taught me.

Merlin just shook his head. Lana was laughing, but they both settled down to eat and I reached for seconds. "Damn, this is great food, Merlin," I told our host appreciatively. I hadn't eaten a meal this fine in a long long while.

"Where did you learn to cook like this? How did you manage to have it cooked in time for our arrival?" I was careful this time and didn't spray food anywhere.

Merlin paused in his eating, looked kind of sheepish, and told us the story of how he took up cooking as a hobby, way back when. "Four-hundred years ago I decided that cooking was going to be my life and after my wife of that period died, I opened a little restaurant called Chez Merlin. I worked hard creating new and exciting dishes everyday. I never repeated a menu and became well known throughout the countryside. One day the king's messenger came to request my presence before the king. There was no way I could refuse an audience with the King, I had grown rather fond of my head and my life by that point. I closed up shop and went forth to my new career as chief cook for the king. He really liked my cooking, but then I accidentally poisoned him. That poor Hamlet got all messed up, blaming his mother and his uncle. I decided I better get out of there quickly before someone found that patch of mushrooms I used in the king's supper.

As for how I knew when to have it cooked, that was the easy part. I have been watching your ship come closer to me for the last day and you've been pointed straight at me the whole time. It wasn't that hard to figure out someone was coming. I just wasn't sure who, and I certainly wasn't expecting Earthlings dressed in table cloths. Remind me after supper and I will get you some real clothes so you won't look quite so ridiculous when we wake up everyone else."

The thing about poisoning the king made me worry for a second. "Uh....you didn't put any mushrooms in the stuffing, did you?" The old guy just laughed and said, "Don=t worry, Jordan. I learned to be more careful after that. And besides, everything we grow here in the hydroponics garden is safe and all the meat is checked thoroughly when it's either synthesized or run through the recycler."

"Synthesized? You mean like those replicater things on Star Trek?" I asked Merlin, answering a question Lana had asked earlier. I wanted her to know I was up on old, canceled t.v. shows, too.

"Well, I don't know about Star Trek. I have never heard of it before. Was it some sort of science experiment in matter replication?" Merlin asked, his giant blue eyes shining with interest. "I didn't think you humans had advanced that far in the last fifty years. I was surprised that you achieved space flight and truly amazed when you managed to put a man on the moon. Tell me, Jordan, just what did these Star Trek experiments prove? Did they go where no man had gone before or just fizzle out and turn into nothing?"

I was in way over my head, since I had always thought Star Trek was just a t.v. show. So I just sat there waiting for some answer to come to me while I shoveled food into my mouth to keep from having to talk. Lana saved me when she explained to Merlin that Star Trek wasn't a science experiment but just a weekly t.v. show created by a man named Gene
Roddenberry. She went on to explain that in the show there were little machines in the walls of their spaceships that could turn any sort of matter into anything else, as long as it knew the molecular structure.

"Yes, just like that, Jordan!" Merlin answered, clapping his hands together with a new look of excitement on his face. "Gene was one of us, you know. I can't believe he finally managed to pull it off. He kept trying to convince the counsel that you humans would be much better off and less violent if we gave you the technology to master space travel. They kept telling him no. So, he finally resorted to television fantasy," Merlin said, smiling wistfully and shaking his head.

"How about that! He always claimed that t.v. was going to be the death of intelligence in America. I do find it humorous that he created a show to give you scientific facts and you never even guessed what was really going on. Must have really annoyed him when you didn't get the message. What is old Gene doing these days? He always was one of my best friends." He asked staring directly at me.

Well hell, I thought, his best friend was dead, and I sure wasn't going to be the one to break the bad news. I'm just not good at that sort of thing, so I moved right on ahead to the next subject, as if I hadn't heard.

"Okay, but what do you mean by recycled? What does that mean?" I asked as I shoved a large spoonful of potatoes in my mouth.

"Well, not everything can be replicated and you have to have matter to make matter. On a space voyage there is not enough room to pack all the matter needed to feed hundreds of people. If you could, we would just pack food. To make up the difference, we use all the waste products produced on board to maintain our food supply. We run everything through a recycling system to make sure the waste is free of any contamination or disease producing organisms. Then we turn it into the delicious nutritious food you have there in front of you. Did you actually think I was raising turkeys and pigs somewhere on the ship?"

"Well uh..." I could feel my stomach churn as my throat started to water.

"Please tell me what happened to Gene," Merlin begged. "I need news. It seems like I've been here forever, and with no one to talk to but myself."

I couldn't answer him as the thought of recycled waste was making my stomach feel like it does when I've had one too many tequila shooters. Now it was my turn be ill. I spit my mouthful of potatoes and butter onto my plate and made a dash for the nearest door. Even I had enough manners not to puke at the dinner table. Lucky for me, the nearest door happened to lead to a bathroom. It took several minutes to get out all the food I had consumed and just the stray thought of what I had been eating would send me into another round of dry heaves. Finally I was done and feeling worse that I had since I started this whole adventure. Not to mention the fact that I was hungry again.

Chapter 11 - Coming Out of the Closet

Once I had rinsed my mouth out with soap, for the third time, I hobbled back into the dining room only to find Lana and Merlin had already left me. I stood there for a few minutes wondering how long it would take me to find them in this crazy place when I heard my sweetie holler at me from the next room.

"If you're through being a baby, come in here. We'll find some real clothes and then you can help Merlin, while I check out the comm system." Following the sweet tones of her voice, I found myself in the largest dressing room I had ever seen. It must have been as big as the Astrodome. Mirrors completely lined one wall and there were huge neatly labeled closets, filled with outfits from every age of man.

Lana was sorting through all the modern age women's clothing when I walked in. She finally selected an outfit suited more for the cable repair man than a gorgeous babe like her. I waited until she came out of the changing room before passing final judgement on her choice and I must say, while it was kind of plain, she filled it out nicely.

When I could drag myself away from watching her, which wasn't until she threatened to dress me herself if I didn't hurry, I went directly to the closet marked, Old West, and found myself some real clothes. My outfit consisted of a nice pair of Levis with leather chaps, (I had always wanted to wear chaps), a sturdy flannel shirt, and some alligator boots. I finished my ensemble with a black Stetson, worn cocked slightly to one side, and a black leather duster. All I needed to complete the look was a horse, a lasso and maybe some silver spurs.

I was ready to ride the range and I sauntered out of the dressing room, hoping Lana would fall to her knees in worship when she saw me all duded up. She was standing there waiting, rather impatiently, I might add. I could tell by the way she was tapping her right foot against the floor, but I didn't let that bother me. Women are always impatient. I walked back and forth across the room and slowly turned in circles so she could admire my outfit. I was watching her face real carefully, to see if she noticed how tight the jeans were and how well my ass and other items of interest were outlined by the snug fitting denim.

Well, she didn't fall to her knees, not that I truly expected her to. Lana just rolled her eyes and started criticizing my choice. It must be hard to be a woman. I mean they always have to have a nasty remark ready for the one they love. I don't think I could be that quick. They must train them from birth or maybe it's a required class in school. I can see it now, "How to Intimidate Your Loved One With Sarcasm and Wit, 101." Lana must have had all A's in that one.

There was no humor in her eyes as she stared at me, her eyes roaming up and down my costume, inspecting every item while I made my modeling debut. I felt like a two-year old who needed her permission to dress.

"Don't you think you're going a little overboard with the outfit, Jordan?" she finally spoke, her voice rising in volume and pitch until it was practically a squeal as she went on. "Wouldn't jeans and a t-shirt have been more practical and certainly quicker? Are you not capable of rational thought at all?"

"Practical, Shmactical," I sputtered out. I really, really didn't want her to make me change and I knew my whining wasn't going to work particularly well with this one. I decided to try something different this time. I tried to reason with her like an adult. Which is a polite way to say I begged.

"Don't you have any imagination, woman?" I started. "Why this is the perfect get-up for an adventure. With these boots and this hat and coat I am prepared for anything: mud, rain, sleet, snow, cattle, you name it. Besides, everyone ought to be able to dream, shouldn't they?"

At this point I fell to my knees to make my final plea. "Please, please, please," I begged. "Don't make me take it off. I may never have a chance to wear chaps again in my life. If you have a shred of human feelings for the men of our species, you'll let me pick out my own clothes this one time."

"Whatever, Jordan. I'm not sure where you are going to find any of those things on this ship, but if it makes you happy, then I guess I won't make you change. Anything is better than having to watch your ass peaking through that toga. Now come along little dogie, we have work to do," she replied shaking her head.

I won. I couldn't believe it. It was getting easier all the time to make her see things my way. My strong male authority must have been wearing her down, or maybe she was finally tired of arguing with me. One could always hope. I didn't care either way, cause I got to wear chaps, and I was the coolest cowboy on the mothership.

Chapter 12 - Really Old Popsicles

She led me down the hall to a room full of large glass and metal cocoons. Lana told me the aliens called them icepods. There were aliens sleeping in some of them. Merlin was standing in the far corner of the room flipping switches on a brightly lit instrument panel and causing the various machinery around the room to groan and click its way to life. Lana walked up to him to let him know we were there and stood talking to him for a few moments while I was left standing all by myself once again.

I really wished Lana would come up and talk to me like that rather than just bossing me around. I was thinking that if she would give me a chance, I could help her with something real important. Don't know what, but I knew if I just had the chance, I could do good.

I waited and waited and waited until I could not stand it anymore. First I tried coughing and clearing my throat, but that didn't faze them. You would think I was invisible or something, the way they ignored me. I was tired of those two thinking they could leave me out of everything, and I let my grievances be known. Rather loudly, I might add. "Yoo-hooooo!" I called to them.

"I'm over here, still alive and really bored. What do you want me to do now?"

"Hold your horses, cowboy," Lana yelled across the room. "You'll have plenty to do in a minute." She continued her talk with Merlin for a few more minutes while I twiddled my thumbs before she finally made her way back to where I was waiting. It was about time she payed attention to me.

"Time to get things rolling, Jordan. I need to find out what the problem is with the communications system, Merlin needs to work on the ship's navigational computers, and we need you to do us a favor by waking up the rest of the aliens. We are going to need lots more help if we are going to pull this off successfully."

"Merlin has already started the engines which will take this whole moon back to Earth, and we'll need everybodys help for even a slim chance of having everything ready and working before we arrive. Wouldn't want to give the idiots running things on earth any time to consider doing something stupid, like launching nuclear missiles at us."

"Why would they do that?" I asked bewildered.

"Think about it, Jordan," she said. "Tell the mice living in that space between your ears that it's time to start running, so that the gears in your mind will turn."

She was using her smart girl voice, which led me to believe she thought my question was pretty stupid. Mrs. Gossage always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. How was I supposed to figure out why some government would want to launch missiles at me? It's not like I'd ever done anything to them or nothing.

"Okay, Jordan, how can I put this in terms your tiny red neck mind can grasp?"

I don=t know why she kept carrying on. She was probably trying to cover for her inability to give me a straight answer to any question. I decided to be patient with her and let her work it out in her own time.

"Let's see," she said standing there tapping her finger against her chin.
AA small erratic moon that has circled Pluto throughout recorded history is now hurtling towards Earth, at unheard of speeds. Now remember the leaders of all those countries on Earth have absolutely no idea what is happening or who is behind it. What do you think our idiot politicians are going to try first; peaceful negotiations? I don't think so.

"If I don't have the communication system working by the time we get there, we won't be able to access the G.O.D. computer and set up the energy shield around the planet. That means all those nice nuclear bombs they will be launching at us will actually land here on Charon and we will be blown to smithereens. Was that simple enough for you? Do you understand the problem now, Jordan?"

I have to admit she could come up with a right fine answer when she put her mind to it. I just couldn't comprehend why she wasn=t moving quicker.

"Well what the hell are you doing wasting your time talking to me? Hurry your pretty little behind to wherever it is you need to be on this rock and fix things. Chop, chop, woman! I don't want to be fried by any nuke."

"My point exactly. Now, I'm going down to the main control room and see what I can find out. Jordan, just do whatever Merlin tells you and please try not to cause any trouble or break anything."

"Lana, you have no faith. Do I look like the type of man who would break something?"
She just shook her head and walked out of the room, leaving me stuck here with Merlin.
You know, I didn't mind taking orders from her. At least I could look at her luscious body while she was bossing me around while I hoped I would get her into the sack eventually. But now I had to look at The Great White Hunter with his ridiculous chicken legs while he gave me orders. This was going to be a real drag.

While the old dude wandered around the room reading monitors and flipping switches, I decided to start waking these popsicles up. Maybe one of them would be more laughs than Father Time over there. I walked around the room, looking at all of them and trying to decide who looked like the most fun. They were all sleeping away and looked pretty happy, but not as happy as I was looking at them. Every one of them was as naked as a jay bird.

This really made me want to wake the women up, but I would have been glad to let the guys keep sleeping once I saw how well hung they were. Not that I looked that closely or anything. I am not that kind of man. No wonder all the women had smiles on their faces. How was an Earthling supposed to compete?

I was pretty sure I had found the perfect person to wake up when I looked into one of the pods and lying there, with her clouds of long blonde hair, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Okay, I know I said that about Lana, but I hadn't seen this one yet and besides, this one was a real blonde. Since she was naked, I could tell she didn't dye her hair. Blondes are always more fun. This one probably had a much sweeter disposition than Lana, and I could use a little sweetness and comforting, especially if she let me play with her before she got dressed. Now I just had to figure out how to wake this Sleeping Beauty up.

I tried banging on the top of the glass and yelling, "Yoo-hoooo . . . wake up in there! Time to rock and roll!" Unfortunately, all this did was make Merlin remember I was there. He came running over, screaming at me in the same annoying voice Lana usually used.

"You idiot! Don't you know you could kill them if you don't wake them up properly? There's not that many of us left. We can't afford to lose any more."

Merlin was really upset, his face was all red and his eyes were bulging even more than usual.

"Geez, Pops. I'm sorry. Lana told me it was my job to wake them up. I was just doing my best to help."

"Well, if you must help, do exactly as I tell you. See that green button that's flashing on the side of each pod?" he said, pointing at a button located on the side of the pod.

"Of course I see it, Merlin. I'm not blind, and the thing has to be at least three inches wide. What do I look like? A complete idiot?"

"Well, I have heard stories," Merlin said, taken by surprise at my response. I probably shouldn't have been so rude. Usually I like playing with buttons. I just didn't care anymore; I was tired and cranky and my Lana was somewhere else. The blonde could have replaced her, but she was still asleep and not much good to me that way.

"Okay, Jordan, what I need you to do is push the green button on all the pods that have someone in them. Just the green one, Jordan, and only push each one once. Don't touch anything else or you might kill them."

Like I was gonna take a chance and kill my blonde beauty by touching something I wasn't supposed to! He was beginning to sound more and more like Lana. It might have been cute on her, but with him it was just annoying.

I immediately went to the green button on the pod containing my new-found love. I pushed it and waited for her to open her eyes and fall madly in love with me on first sight. I waited and waited for what seemed like forever.

"Merlin, how long does this take?" I yelled over my shoulder, it's not like I had a whole lot of time here before we reached Earth.

"It takes a couple of hours, Jordan. The life support in each pod has to cycle itself into Awake Status. Move it along. Push the buttons on all of them and tell me when you're done."

"Damn, that long!" Merlin was beginning to sound exasperated. How was I supposed to know how long it would take to wake them up?


I walked around the room, pushing all the green buttons and counted them as I went. But, I kept my eye on the pod containing my big breasted beauty. I wanted her to see me before she saw any of those well hung alien guys.

After I pushed the final one, (there were 237 of them, by the way, Merlin was right about there not being many left), I told the old man I was finished and rushed back to my dream woman. She was awfully pretty to look at and I wished I could open the pod and run my hands over her body.

"Jordan, what are you doing?" Merlin asked, startling me from my fantasies.

"Just waiting. No harm in that, is there? I'm not touching any buttons while I do it. Can't you make it go any faster? I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up. Then she will fall deeply in love with me and let me take her back to my farm on Earth, where we will live happily ever after."

Merlin began to laugh and snort. Tears were running from his eyes. "Lana was right, Jordan. You have an amazing sense of humor. Why would you think Miss Amy there would fall in love with you?"

"Well, I know for a fact that most women find me irresistible, they just aren't able to show it. For that matter, I stun most of them into silence with my presence, and they have to leave the room. It's a tough way to live, but I survive. Why would Amy here be any different, besides being an alien and all?"

Merlin was still chuckling softly as he took my arm and led me to another pod. This one contained the largest man I had ever seen in my life. He must have been eight feet tall. He was dark-skinned, with black hair down to his waist. He was a handsome man, I suppose. He had that well-muscled Fabio look that some women go gaga over. But the thing about him that stopped me in my tracks was when I looked down the length of his body and noticed his little buddy. No, make that his giant of a friend. It must have been a foot long, and it wasn't even up and "happy," if you know what I mean. My six inches looked more like a garden worm compared to that thing. I wasn't sure whether Merlin just brought me over here to depress me or if this guy had something to do with Amy. So I asked.

"Okay, Merlin, I agree that he is a giant of a man, but what does that have to do with me and Amy?"

"Jordan, this is Goliath. You remember the story from the Old Testament, don't you?@

"Well, yeah. So?"

"This is the man who played that part on your planet. He is also the husband of Miss Amy Geddon."

My heart broke in that instant and then rallied. After all, a divorce isn't that hard to get, at least not on Earth.

"Well, Merlin, I'll take my chances. Maybe if I am the first thing she sees, she'll forget old Goli there and come home with me."

"Jordan," Merlin went on, still trying let me down gently, "they have been married for four thousand years, and while I will admit that Amy is one of our more fun-loving and carefree people, you don't stand a chance in Hell of ever getting more than a hug or a kiss from her. Many have tried over the centuries, and they have all failed. Compared to Goliath, they just don't measure up, if you know what I mean," he finished with a snicker and a jab of his elbow into my side.

Oh well, I thought. Hugs and kisses would be nice, but I'd have to make sure the big guy wasn't watching. He could pound me into the ground with one hand.

"Come along, Jordan. I have other things for you to do. We need to get the Colony Pods ready. That should keep you busy and take your mind off your love life for a while. Follow me."

Like anything could take a man's mind off his love life. I wanted to be there when Amy woke up, but thought I better do what he said. I did want them to be ready when we reached Earth. The thought of nukes scared me as much as the thought of being spaced if I messed something up.

Chapter 13 - Religious Philosophy 101

Merlin led me out of the sleep room and down another corridor, still punching away at his little computer and mumbling to himself. I followed reluctantly. We finally came to a room that looked like it could hold Jonah's whale. The sides of the room were lined with icepods for as far as I could see, and then some. They looked exactly like the ones in the room we'd just left, except that I couldn't see any people in the ones closest to me and all the lids were open. There must have been a hundred rows of sleep pods, and those rows seemed to go on forever.
"Uh . . . Merlin? What am I supposed to do to these?"

"Prepare them for the new arrivals."

"Prepare? How? All of them? There must be a million of em."

"No, only 144,000. It won't take you that long. All you have to do is press the red button on each of them and make sure all the lights on the front panel go on. That means they are cycling up."

"Merlin, why you are doing all of this? I mean, why go through so much trouble? Your people could have found a new planet to live on. Why have you put yourselves through so much, just to bring the truth of a living God to a bunch of illiterate monkeys? Which is what we were when you arrived. And why go through the whole Rapture thing? If you want more people for a colony, you could just suck them up here and carry them to a new planet. Why the big production? I don't get it."

Merlin stopped and looked at me for a moment, like maybe he was trying to figure this out for himself, then slowly he began to speak. "Jordan, remember the short history of our planet that I gave you?"

"Yeah, most of it, anyway. I was hungry then and thinking of food, but I was trying to pay attention."

"Well, I left a few things out. Before we blew ourselves up, we had allowed our civilization to deteriorate. For most of our planet's history we were a very peaceful people. We all believed in the same God, and we never had wars like you do on your planet. We all lived, and loved and were happy. We took care of our own and always helped those less fortunate. Our form of Christianity was never laced with all the taboos your people carried into it. We had a good time and a good life."

Merlin paused and seemed to think about some-thing unpleasant before he continued.
"The original book of Revelations was more specific than yours and not near as cryptic. We had no idea that the people we sent it to on Earth would write it all down in a code that would never be deciphered correctly. They even messed up the simple things, like the story of Amy Geddon on the mountain. You people turned it into the War of Armageddon. In the beginning it was a beautiful story of love and hope and you turned into a bloody battle."

He sounded kind of disgusted with us. I could understand that; we humans even get pretty disgusted with ourselves at times.

"This Amy Geddon? How old is that gorgeous babe?"

"No, Jordan, the original Amy Geddon. This Amy and Goliath are both linear descendants of the originals."

"Oh." That wasn't too hard to believe once you saw Goliath's size.

"On Eden, we were given a specific time that our eternal reward was going to arrive and we kept the faith and worked diligently toward that day. But it never came. We didn't understand why. Some of my people thought our God had died or no longer cared. Some of the people on my planet, no. . . make that most of them, just gave up the faith in the old ways. We became a bitter and unhappy people, determined to get what we could out of life, since our afterlife was no longer guaranteed."

"Thinking back, we should have known it was a test. If our faith had been real, we would have carried on the same as always, waiting patiently for our reward. Even if our God wasn't real, we should have still cared about others and taken care of our planet, rather than turning into a group of power mongers. Eventually, one of the priests who had real faith could stand our heresy no longer. He and his followers set off the nuclear reactors we used for power and turned our planet into a wasteland."

"Gee, Merlin, that doesn=t sound like a very priestly thing to do."

"But it was, Jordan. The priest took his orders directly from God, and in the end, his act restored our faith. That's part of the problem with faith; you never truly understand what it is until you've lost it. All the people who were killed received their just desserts, based on how they lived their lives. No one ever really dies, Jordan. God provides us with a soul that has everlasting life, remember."

My face must have given away my doubts on this matter. I believed, but then maybe I only hoped, and Merlin felt the need to point this out to me.

"You know, Jordan, Christ wasn't kidding when he said you must have the faith of a child. Remember when you were young and believed in Santa Claus?"

"Of course. Everyone believed in Santa Clause."

"Yes, but do you remember how strong that faith was? Even when you got older and people started telling you that Santa was not real?"

"Yeah, I got in a lot of fights with people over that, until my parents sat me down and told me the truth. I was completely devastated and hated them for weeks, until I realized that I would still get presents. I must admit, though, it did take some of the magic out of the season."

"Exactly. To do God's bidding, we must have that kind of faith, no matter what happens. Everything we experience in our lives, all the hardships, all the terror, and all the joy, are all things we need to learn in order to be the best people we can be. God tests us against ourselves all the time."

"But what about wars and disease and car accidents? Does God really make us go through all that?"

"Jordan, we make ourselves go through all that. On your planet there is enough food produced in the United States alone to feed the entire world, but you choose not to. God never told you to fight wars. He told you to love and care for each other.
Most diseases are caused by habits and living conditions. If humans chose to, they could eliminate almost all diseases world wide. Unfortunately, they are too interested in politics and money to actually accomplish anything good. You even have the technology on your planet to stop most car accidents, but you don't do it."

At this, the old man got a sad little smile on his face and shook his head.

"All you really have to do to make God happy is live your life the best that you are personally able to, help others when you can, and love everybody, while condemning no one else for their choices. God sits in the ultimate judgement of us all."

"But what about abortion and homosexuals? The preachers on Earth go on forever about those kind of things," I asked with a shudder.

The thought of two men having sex always made me want to puke. Now two women, that's a whole other story and one that I had always wanted to be part of.

"Promiscuity is wrong, Jordan. Sex should always be for love. Orgasm is probably as close as we ever come in this form to understanding what it really feels like to be one with God. So it doesn't matter who is having sex with whom, as long as it is done with love. As for abortion, I think it may be wrong, but I have no idea what is really in the hearts of the women who have them and I am not allowed to judge them if I want to be true to my beliefs. Besides, the unborn go back to Heaven. You can't destroy life, Jordan, no matter how hard you try. Every death is a happy thing, even when it is caused by a tragedy, because those that die get to be with God and move on to a higher plane. It's a hard thing for those of us on this plane to accept."

"Ok," I said. It was an interesting story he was telling, but I don't know what it had to do with the question I had asked and I didn't really need this much extra info to remember, especially since I was getting really hungry again by now and it was getting hard to keep things straight. This was definitely another stack for the old thinking pile. So I asked my question again, hoping maybe he would get to the point.

"I don't really know if I can believe all that, but you still haven't answered my question about why you are doing all this just to get a few people for a colony."

"We are responsible for the Earth becoming what it is today, even though we did our best to lead you on the path of righteousness. Not that we did a very good job, from the looks of it. We gave you the Bible in hopes that you would succeed in finding true faith where we failed. If we don't fulfill the promises of Revelations, then you will be left hanging the same as us and your civilization would deteriorate even further. We hope that by giving the proper performance, both of our peoples will be redeemed. The colonists will be taken to a new planet and be given the technology to survive and prosper. We are taking the best of you with us, those with the kindest hearts and strongest faiths. Our hope is that by all of us living together, we will be able to create a world that God would be proud of. If we do it well enough, maybe he will even come and talk to us again," Merlin sighed wistfully.

"What about us, if you are taking the best? What hope do we have of becoming a world God would be proud of?"

"We are only taking 144,000 people, Jordan. Out of the billions you have on Earth, that is not even a dent. I didn't say we were taking all of the best."

"But you are leaving all the worst and they seem to have more influence, not to mention power and money."

"No Jordan, we would not do that to you. The G.O.D. computer has been researching the hearts of men for the last few millennia and it knows exactly what to look for to determine which of you are totally irredeemable. Those people will be removed from the planet after the Rapture.

We considered taking them to another planet and dropping them to fend for themselves, thinking maybe they might redeem themselves, but we really don't have enough icepods to accommodate them. Then we considered just beaming them into space, but that would create a litter problem.

The best idea that has been put forward so far is to turn them into fertilizer with the replicators and spread them back over the Earth in places where the soil has been damaged. That way we could at least get some good out of them. That is probably what is going to happen unless the G.O.D. computer has come up with a better idea in the last fifty years."

"Oh. I guess that would be okay. I know there are lots of farms in the U.S. that could use a new infusion of top soil. It has to be better than paying to keep them in prisons."

"So, Jordan, have I satisfied enough of your curiosity? I really need to get back to work. So much to set up and so little time."

"Yeah, you've answered the questions I had and some I hadn't thought of yet. You certainly have given me plenty to think about."

"Well then, I am going back to work and you can get started with those buttons. Remember, only the red ones."

"I know, I know. I'm not totally mindless like you and Lana think I am."

"Actually, Jordan, I think you have been quite brave through this whole ordeal. Not everyone would have reacted as well as you have, after being tossed into the middle of this mess."

With that, Merlin turned and walked out of the room, leaving me speechless and feeling kind of proud of myself.

Chapter 14 - Button, Buttons, and More Damn Buttons

After I had spent a few moments congratulating myself on doing such a good job, I turned to face the monumental task in front of me. I told myself it was going to be fun, and over quickly. I mean, how long could it take to push a bunch of stupid buttons? Maybe Amy would be up by then. Even if I couldn't keep her, she still sounded like someone I would like to know. Thoughts of my naked alien spurred me into action.

I started running down the first aisle, pushing buttons on both sides. I was dancing and screaming and singing my favorite country songs to help me keep up the pace. About half way down the row I was reduced to a walk and by the time I got to the end of it, I was limping. My knee was bleeding again, from where I had fallen in the forest, and I couldn't believe how many more rows I still had left to finish.

I attempted using the palm of my hand to push the buttons, but that still made my fingers hurt when they slapped against the metal and caused me to accidently push the wrong button that one time. The pod started flashing and filling with fluid. I pushed the red button quickly and went on, hoping no one important would be put in that pod. By the time I was done with the second row, I was barely crawling and the ends of my fingers were flat.

I had to find a place to sit and rest for a while. With all these spare pods around me, I just couldn=t resist and began to crawl into the nearest empty one. I was just about all the way in and lifting the last foot off the floor, when Lana entered the room and caught me trying to take my nap.

"Get out of there, you fool! Do you want to be put into hyper-sleep?"

Now, you must understand that right about this time, any kind of sleep sounded good to me. I'm not an alien and there are just some things a human guy like me needs: food, sleep, and sex at least once a week, for starters.

When I was sucked off my porch and up to see St. Pete, I was in the middle of an experiment to see just how long a guy could go without sex. Until I could get back to Earth and have real food again, I had to give up eating or walk all the way back to the space plane. I was in bad enough shape, and I didn't feel like testing the sleep portion of my needs, too.

"Sleep sounds pretty damn good to me, right now," I answered this woman who was beginning to get on my nerves. She had denied me sex, made me wait until I was ready to faint from lack of food before she fed me, not to mention that she tried feeding me recycled food. Now she wasn't even going to let me get the rest my poor over-worked, over-tired body needed.

"You can't go to sleep right now. I have been through the entire system and I know exactly what the problem is, but there is no one else awake who can help me fix it."

"Tell me Lana," I asked through half closed eyes. "Do I look awake and raring to go to you? Can't you see the bags under my eyes? The listless movement of my limbs?" I guess my health was not one of her major concerns, cause she just went right on as if I hadn't said a word.

"Please help me, Jordan. You are the only big strong man available right now. I know you're tired, but you are so strong, so powerful, and I need you sooo desperately."

She said this in a different tone of voice than I had ever heard her use before. It sounded a lot like begging. I like a woman that knows how to beg. I hate being the only one in the relationship that has to. The way she was pleading for my help made my exhaustion slip away and filled me with boundless energy. Soon I was ready for action. Besides, if I helped her in her moment of distress, maybe it would help me get a little closer to my goal of getting her into bed with me. I felt this was my big opportunity and I had to play this just right.

"You need me? Isn't that nice?" The sarcasm was dripping off my tongue.

"I might be persuaded to help, but not for free this time. I'm tired of being dragged all over the universe with no reward. This time I want something
in return." As I spoke, I gave her that look no woman can resist. I don't think she was quite ready for the look and didn't react the way the waitresses at Kelly's usually did.

"A reward? Are you joking?? I tried to do this the nice way, Jordan, but you don't seem to understand nice. So, let me put it to you like this, Jordan. If you don't do what I tell you to, I will have Merlin use the matter transmitter to send your ass to Pluto and you can sleep there. For eternity."

This woman just never gives up. It's not like I asked for a lifetime commitment or nothing, just a little bit of friendly sex. You know, something to perk me up before I did whatever she needed me to do this time. I knew I didn't really have a choice and that spacing my butt was still a real possibility, so what options did I have?

Her refusal to fall under my spell dissolved that spurt of boundless energy I had found and I was too tired to try to win an argument with her. The only argument I had managed to win so far was the one about wearing my chaps, and they were beginning to feel a little heavy as the day went on. There just wasn't enough strength left in my poor abused body for me to keep up the manly man act. What was the point? I knew she wanted me, she knew she wanted me. I was just going to have to play the game her way. But, damn, it was a long tiring game.

"Come on, Lana. I'm tired. I've done everything you've asked, quickly and efficiently. I even forced myself to wear that ridiculous tablecloth just so I would not offend your delicate sense of smell and make you ill. I've been pushing buttons for the cause until my fingers are raw and bleeding. What more can you ask of me?"

"Jordan, quit your damn whining and listen to me. This is important. There's an antennae station out on the surface of Charon. It must have been hit
by a meteor or something because it is pointing toward the center of the galaxy instead of at Earth. The ship is not receiving transmissions from the G.O.D. computer because of the bad alignment."

"So? What's that got to do with me? You're the computer expert."

"What has to be done has nothing to do with computers. We need someone strong to go out and realign the antennae. Someone like you, Jordan," she said, draping her arm over my shoulder all cozy and friendly again.

I suppose I should have been wary of the sudden compliment, but I got so damn happy that she was letting her true emotions show that I would have walked through space for her at that moment. I had no idea how prophetic that thought was.

"Uh ... okay. What do I have to do? Push some really big button or something?"

"Well, it is a bit more complicated than that. I am going to transmit us both up to the surface airlock and I will explain it all to you there," she said as she took one of those palm-top things out of her pocket. I decided I was going to ask for
one of those things before this was over. Everyone looked so smart and official when they used them. I wanted one, too.

I started thinking of all the fun I could have at home with one of those. I'd never have to carry all those beer bottles to the trash and I couldn't wait to send old Digger up on the roof of the house to see what he'd do. Making Grandpa's teeth disappear off the dining room table, next time he spit them there in the middle of Sunday supper, wasn't such a bad idea, either.

This made me wonder what actually happened to things that were transmitted, so I asked Lana. For once, she actually gave me an answer, although when she was finished, I wished she hadn't.

"In terms you would understand, it takes you completely apart at the molecular level and sends all your molecules wherever I tell it to. If you are lucky and everything is working like it should, your molecules will all join back up in their proper order when they get there. If you're really lucky, you may end up with a few extra brain cells that were left over by the last person who used the transmitter. G.O.D. knows you could use them." She was such a tease.

"What do you mean, If you're lucky?"

"Well, every once in a great, great while there is a little accident. Nothing to worry about though," she said with a straight face. "Where do you think the idea for that movie 'The Fly' came from."

I had seen that movie and the sequel, and I didn't want to end up looking like Jeff Goldblum did at the end. I decided matter transmitting wasn't for me and told Lana so.

"You big baby. How do you think you got to the island? And what do you think the doorway in the clearing was? Did you think you really walked through a doorway and into the caverns? So, see, you've already been transmitted twice, with no ill effects. Not that anyone would notice if you came up with a few more brain cells missing."

"Ha! Ha! Ha!, Is that supposed to make me feel better? I didn't exactly have nice landings either of those times, Darling. I think I'll just give up matter transmitting. My chin and belly have taken enough abuse. With my luck I would probably materialize inside a rock wall or something."

"Okay, if you are going to be such a wuss, we will do it the old-fashioned way and go up in the elevator."

"Hey, wait a sec, what about all the rest of the pods that I haven't pushed the button on yet? Merlin said it was important to have them ready and that they take several hours to cycle up. I can't do both, you know." Here was my way out and pushing buttons, no matter how sore my fingers were, was probably better and safer than being outside on this rock.

"No problem, Jordan. See this here?" she asked while walking to the front wall of the room and pointing to a huge metal switch that had "Master Turn On" written beneath it.

"I just throw this one switch right here and the job is done," she finished, throwing the switch with a flourish. "Any other excuses we need to get out of the way before we can get back to work?"

I had no more excuses, but there were certainly a few questions in mind. Like how come they had let me spend the last several hours pushing buttons that didn't have to be pushed? Do they really think I am truly that useless? I didn't ask these questions, because I wasn=' sure I wanted to hear the answers. I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt thinking that at least when I was punching the buttons, I could actually make sure everything started right. That had to have been it.
Lana watched me rolling these questions in my mind but when I didn't say anything, she started in again.

"Well, since you have no more reasons to get out of the work, follow me and I will explain what you have to do once we get there." With this she turned her shapely behind toward me and wiggled it down the hallway. Now that was a sight for sore tired eyes. I was really glad I hadn't let her use the transmitter. I'd have walked a hundred miles if I could have a view of her curvaceous rear in front of me the whole way. Well maybe only ten miles. For ten miles I think a girl ought to put out, don't you? Now the thought of being in an elevator all alone with her was beginning to make my blood pressure rise quickly. Not to mention a few other parts as well.

I was pretty sure she was lying to me about the transmitter and that this was all a ploy to get me into the elevator alone with her, and boy was I ready. I tried to concentrate on what she was saying. I did manage to catch a few things, but it was tough dragging my attention from that cute little bottom as it swayed back and forth and back and forth and . . .

"When we get up to the airlock, Jordan, you are going to have to put a space suit on. Then, you have to go out to the station and do just what I tell you to do through the headset."

The space suit sounded cool, but the idea of walking out to the station made me stop for a minute. I do mean stop. Dead in my tracks. Lana kept walking and talking as I stood there and remembered the loaf of bread and the dirty underwear. I decided I didn't want to join them in space.

I was about to turn around and go back to the big cavern, where I figured I could hide between the icepods and evade her for hours, when Lana entered the elevator and turned around to see me stopped in the middle of the hallway. I could tell immediately from the look on her face that I was about to be yelled at again.

"Come on, Dufus. We do not have time to waste. Get your lazy butt in here." I guess I was getting pretty good at reading my Darling's moods.

"Lana, don't misunderstand. I really do want to help you and Merlin and G.O.D. and all, but I'm not sure about this. I don't mind putting on the space suit, but floating around in space doesn't sound like something I'm cut out to do. I try
to do all my flying in planes."

Once again, I made my dearest laugh that lovely laugh of hers. I seemed to always be able to put her in a good mood, instantly. Now if I could just figure out what was so funny, I would have my problems solved.

"Jordan, you are something else. When you watched all those science fiction movies we grew up on, did you ever pay attention? Or were you too busy trying to spot T and A shots? You will have weighted boots on, which would be enough to keep you safe. But, if it makes you feel any better, we will also attach your tether line to the moon rover. Now, do you feel safer?"

"Moon rover? What's a moon rover? Is it something I can drive?" I asked, my ears perking up. This was beginning to sound a bit more interesting.

"Follow me, little boy and I will show you," she said with that look that meant she thought whatever she showed me would convince me to do what she wanted. She was probably right. I always was a sucker for anything with an engine. I could find no way to get out of this without looking like a real coward, and I do like new toys, so I took a deep breath and headed for the elevator. My only comfort and consolation was that I would have a few minutes alone with Lana before I had to go on my little walk. Unfortunately, alien elevators are faster than ours.

I leaned toward Lana as the elevator doors closed, and was about to make my move when the doors opened right back up. I thought something must be wrong with the elevator and I began to have visions of being trapped in it with Lana, when she stepped out into the hallway.

"Come on, Jordan. Get out. We are here and we really don't have the time for your chicken-shit routine." Her good moods seem to be getting shorter and shorter all the time, I thought as I stepped out quickly and followed her.

Chapter 15 - On The Road Again

We entered a room lined with black and white space suits hanging on one wall and two other walls filled with the requisite panels and instruments. What really caught my eye, though, was the fact that the whole wall directly in front of us was transparent and I could see out onto the surface of Charon. It looked pretty much like pictures I had seen of our moon, except the mountains were bigger and spikier. Far off in the distance, I could see what looked like a radio tower. It looked awfully tall, even from here, and I thought I better ask Lana if what I was thinking was true.

"Is that the antennae station out there?"

"Yes, that's it. Get into a suit and I will get the rover set up and make sure everything is functioning properly."

I turned toward the nearest suit and started unbuttoning my shirt. I was about to slip it off when Lana looked up from a panel she was studying and said, "What in the hell are you doing now?"

"Getting into the space suit, like you told me."

"You do not have to take your clothes off, Stupid. Just slip into the suit with all your clothes on. Even those gross shit-kicker boots."

I did as she told me, but I knew the truth. She knew if I took my clothes off that she wouldn't be able to control herself and we'd never get this repair done. What we had to accomplish was so important, she had no choice but to delay her needs and desires.

Just as I was slipping my hands into the gloves of the suit, part of the back wall slid open. What came rolling through the opening made me want to jump up and down with glee. It was the coolest looking little dune buggy I had ever seen.

"This is going to be a blast!" I whooped as I ran towards it.

How was I supposed to know the suit was connected to the wall by a long cord that had to be detached before I could go more than five feet? You would think I'd have been used to bouncing off things by now, but once again all I could say was, "Damn, that hurts!" as my head slammed into yet another rock wall.

Lana came over and calmly detached the tether cord from the wall, shaking her head and muttering the whole time. I know those mutterings I heard were terms of endearment, even if I couldn't quite make them out. Now I was free to go check out this new toy my love was giving me.

The rover was a beauty. It had almost as many buttons and levers as the cockpit of the space plane, but it had an accelerator and a steering wheel instead of a stupid stick between my legs. I didn't seem to be having much luck with those lately. I started to jump into the seat as I yelled, "Okay! I'm ready, Let's go!" Lana just gave me that look. The one I had gotten so used to by now and meant she was about to hide her feelings for me again.

"As much as I would like to see you drive that out of here and instantly be killed by the vacuum of space sucking all the oxygen from your body, I still need you to fix the antennae. So, it might be a good idea if you put the helmet on before you blast out of here."

I knew that, of course. I was only checking out the fit of the seat in the rover, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her so. So, I got out and went over to the wall that the suits had been hanging on and grabbed the nearest helmet, sliding it over my head as I ran back to the rover.

"Hold on a minute, Mario And-idiot. I have to seal your helmet and make sure all the suit seals are secure." I knew this was just another excuse to get close to me without it being obvious, so I let her do what she felt she had to. I stood still and let Lana have her way with me.

She ran her hands all over my body, pretending to check the seals on the suit. Her hands felt so damn good that I would have been more than happy to forget about the rover and the antennae if she would just keep it up. I was just about to take her into my arms and give her what I knew she wanted, when she stepped back and told me to get into the rover and sit down. She said I had to sit so she could lock my helmet without stretching up to reach it. Reluctantly, I did what she said. It was much harder trying to get my body into that little seat with the monster-sized erection I now had. Okay, maybe a little monster.

Then I realized why she wanted to do it this way. While she locked down my helmet and checked everything over, I had a great view of her boobs. They were right at eye level for me, since I was sitting in the rover. I'm sure she knew this. What a nice present to give a man before sending him out onto a desolate moon with no air of its own. My present ended far too quickly for me to have tired of the view when she stepped back and put on a headset that had been sitting on the nearest control panel.
"Can you hear me, Jordan?" came the sound of her tinkling voice, right into my eardrums. I shook my head up and down so she would know I heard her.

"You have to talk so I know if your microphone is working, Numb Nuts."

"I read you loud and clear, Sweetheart," I responded.

This earned me a slap in the back of the helmet. I could tell she liked me more all the time. These love pats were getting more and more regular. "When you get to the antenna, stop and wait for me to tell you what to do," she instructed.

"I will be able to see what you are doing via the camera on your helmet. That way you will not screw anything up while you are out there."

"There she goes trying to talk dirty to me again," I thought.

Lana stepped back and waved me on my way. With a stomp of my right foot, I was off.
Unfortunately, the hangar floor was a little on the slippery side, and the dune buggy had a lot more power than I figured it would have. The rear tires burned for a few seconds, then grabbed hold, launching me forward in the most awesome wheely I had ever experienced. As I flew through the atmosphere force field, I could hear Lana screaming in my ear, "Let off the gas, Leadfoot, before you kill yourself!" Women just don't understand a good time.

I decided I better do what she said, since her screaming right into my headset was pretty annoying. I let up on the gas and regained some control, correcting that rather fierce slide that the buggy seemed to have under hard acceleration. I spent the next few minutes checking out my new set of wheels.

It had a nice aerodynamic shape, which seemed rather strange for use on an airless moon. But, hey, good style is universal when it comes to cruising for chicks. Take this baby over to Salt Plains Lake and it would draw a crowd in a hurry. The rover handled like a dream and I decided to test the steering a bit. You know, just to get the feel of it. For safety's sake, you understand. As I was coming out of the final turn of my third lazy figure eight, the voice was back inside my helmet.

"If you are through playing, we have work to do. Now, head straight for the tower and I will tell you what to do when you get there. Jordan, please remember to brake as you approach the tower. We are here to fix it. Not knock it over."

Man, she didn't have any faith at all. I'm a man, and everyone knows men drive better than women. It was going to take me a few minutes to get to the tower, and since the rover didn't have a radio, I decided to entertain myself with a few tunes. I was on the second chorus of 'Feelings' when a piercing shriek cut through my helmet and my eardrums.

"Shut up!!! Shut up!!! Shut up!!! I can't stand it anymore. Did you forget about the microphone in the helmet?"

I didn't forget, Sweetheart. There's no radio on this thing and I thought you might enjoy a little music."

"Music would not have been bad. Listening to what sounds like a dying calf in a hail storm is cruel and unusual punishment. Jordan, even if the rover had a radio, what radio stations do you think it would pick up? And how would you hear it with your helmet on?"

"Oh. Never thought of that."

I was coming up on the tower, but enjoying talking with my honey, so I kept right on amusing her with my wit. "You know, these would sell really big on Earth I think we could get a lot of money for them. Everyone would - "

"Jordan, look out!!!"

At the same time her scream echoed inside my helmet, I felt the rover come to a sudden stop and my body start a forward flight over the steering wheel. Good thing Lana had strapped me in, or I would have become permanently embedded into the side of the tower. As it was, the strap across my stomach and the steering wheel in my chest were painful enough. And when my helmet impacted with the roll bar, it didn't hurt at all but the camera was kind of in the way. Guess they don't make them like they used to. I was hurting myself way too often on this trip. Right then and there I decided I had to stop letting that woman get to me or I was not going to live through this adventure.

"Are you alright?" Lana asked quietly. "I can't see you anymore."

I barely heard her through the ringing in my ears, but I unstrapped myself from the seat and stepped out of the rover to make sure everything still worked. "Yeah, I'm okay, Lana. It's nice to know you care. Everything still seems to be working; nothing broke that I can tell, except maybe the camera."

"Of course I care, you idiot. I do not have anyone else to send out to fix the damn thing if you kill yourself. But did you have to fry the camera? It would have been so much easier if I could see what was wrong."

"Gee, and I thought you were asking because you actually cared about me."

"Yes, Jordan. You may be a pain in the ass, but I would be upset if something I did caused you to get hurt. Now start climbing the antenna, and hurry. Those nukes are getting closer every minute."

Chapter 16 - The Voices in my Head

I knew she cared, but it was nice of her to finally admit it. I needed to hurry through this job so I could get back inside and explore these feelings she had a little closer. Preferably in a bed and naked.

After making sure the tether line was still attached and not tangled in any way, I began the long climb to the top of the hundred foot tower. Lana talked to me the whole way. She was going on about how there should just be something stuck in the gears, because the tracking system still said all the servo-motors were working fine. Then she started talking about how wonderful the aliens were and how much they had accomplished that Earth had not even considered yet. She had just started in on the computational programming algorithms when I finally reached the top.

I was grateful, because one more minute of listening to her babble nonsense would have been more that I could've handled. Watching her boobs while she talked was one thing, but listening to her go on about stuff I didn't have a clue about, while climbing a metal ladder in a spacesuit, was too hard. I had been fighting the urge to leap to my death, ripping off my helmet on the way down, just so I couldn't hear her anymore, since about halfway up the tower.

"Lana, shut up!!!" I yelled into her monologue, knowing I would have to be quick if I expected her to quiet down.

"I'm here at the top looking at the bottom of your stupid dish. Just please tell me what to do so I can get back inside where it's safe. If you mention one more word about the wonders of alien engineering, I'm going to commit suicide right here."

"Oh, I just thought you might be interested. This place really is rather spectacular. Besides, this way I did not have to listen to you sing."

"I don't care, Lana. I just want to get down and back inside where I can take a nice long nap. Your welcome to join me if you'd like," I added hopefully.

"Not in this lifetime, Jordan," she shot back. "Okay, tell me exactly what you see, and I will try to figure out what is wrong. This really would have been easier if you had not smashed the camera."

"Get over it already, Lana. It's not like I planned on making the job harder. I've always been known for taking the easy way out. Just ask my friends."

"What do you see, Jordan? I would like to get this done before we reach Earth, remember."

"Well, I see the bottom edge of this stupid dish, and I see a bunch of metal gears going up into the center of it."

"Those gears are what I am concerned with, Jordan." She was all business now. "Can you tell if there is anything caught in them?"

"Well, now that you mention it, there does seem to be something lying in the teeth of one of them. It looks like some kind of long piece of metal, maybe a crowbar or something. Let me see if I can get a little closer. I'll try to find out what it is."

"Be careful, Jordan. I know you are pretty much weightless out there, but a fall would still be scary."

"You're telling me," I thought as I climbed above the last rung of the ladder and into the metal structure of the dish itself. Being weightless was a new experience for me. It made climbing things much easier, but I kept looking at the ground to make sure I was still attached to the rover. I didn't want to just keep climbing into space or be stuck here forever.

I thought about sex in zero g for a moment, but since there wasn't anyone else out here to play with, it didn't hold me for long. I even contemplated what would happen if I just used my hand and got myself off. Would my little swimmers just keep heading for the stars with no gravity to pull them down?

I made it as far as touching the front of my suit when I remembered that if I opened the suit I would die. That killed all thoughts of sex and made me just want to get this job done and go back to the ship to catch a nap. Sex in dreams is much safer than sex in space.

I made it up as far as I could and finally got a good look at the gears. There was no doubt what the problem was now. Lying with its tip wedged in the gears, was a sword. A long beautiful sword, with a shiny gold hilt. I immediately reported my find.

"Hey, Lana. I don't know how this got up here, but a sword is definitely stuck in the gears."

"Quit playing around, Jordan. There is no way a sword could get up there."

"I am not playing, Lana. There really is a sword stuck in the gears. Looks like it is in there pretty tight, too."

"Well, Jordan, remove it."

"How do you expect me to do that? It's not like I am King Arthur, who can pull a lodged sword out of a rock."

"You will never know until you try," whispered a voice in my ear.

"Huh? What did you say, Lana? I couldn't quite catch it. My speaker must be cutting out."

"I haven't said anything yet, Jordan. I was thinking. Try the cutters in your suit pocket. They are made by Ginsu and are supposed to cut through anything."

"You fell for that ad? Grandma bought a set of those one year at the state fair. She said they worked real good on the tomatoes until I decided to test them by cutting the axle off of Grandpa's 1931 John Deere that had been rusting behind the barn for 50 years. I went through all six of the knives that came in the set and never did more than scratch that axle. Grandma said if - "

"Jordan, you know if you keep talking you will use up all your oxygen. You know what that means, don't you? You run out of air and die. Have you got the cutters out?"
She never would let me finish a story. If she just let me get to the end of a tale, I know she would really enjoy it.

I was fumbling around, trying to get the cutters out of the pocket, but this time it wasn't my fault. Have you ever tried to get something out of a pocket with space gloves on? Probably not, I guess, but believe me, it ain't easy. I finally managed to get a grip on them and pull them out.

"Aha!" I cried triumphantly.

"Be careful, Jordan. Don't drop them!"

Damn, when would this woman learn? But, just to be sure, I got a better grip on them before answering her. "Yes, dearest. I have them right here in my strong, masculine hand. I'm going to cut the sword out now."

"Okay, Jordan. Just be sure you do not damage the gears."

Apparently she hadn't understood my point about the Ginsu knives, but I didn't have the time or energy to explain it to her right now. I decided to just continue with my chore and get back in the rover as quickly as possible.

Driving the rover was the most fun I had managed so far on this stupid piece of rock and I wanted to enjoy it while I could. I was thinking that maybe if I did a good job up here, Miss Bossy would let me take the rover for a quick little joy ride around the moon before I had to put it away. I grabbed the hilt of the sword and was about to attempt to cut through it when a voice yelled,

"No! Please, not that! Just try to pull me out first. That is all I ask. You might be the one."

"The one what? What is your problem, Lana? I thought you wanted me to cut this thing with the Ginsu. You losing it on me or something? I mean, if you have a better way, just tell me."

"Jordan, you are the one losing it. I have not said anything. I am just standing here quietly, waiting for you to get your ass moving and get the damn thing cut out."

"Well, I heard a voice in my helmet, asking me to please not do it this way. And then it said that I might be the one. If it wasn't you, who was it?"

"I have no idea where the voices in your head come from, Jordan. Are you sure you are not on any medication I need to know about?"

"No, I am not on any medication, but I could have sworn I heard the voice."

"Well, maybe you should be. You can find out later. Would you just please get the damn sword out of there right now, we will worry about your mental health some other time."

"Okay, here goes. I am bringing the cutters to the sword."

"Nooo! Please do not cut me, kind Sir. You are not sick or anything. It is I who is talking to you."

"I, who?" I asked. This was getting pretty strange.

"What is your problem now, Jordan? Voices again?"

"Shut up, Lana. Someone is trying to talk to me."

"In your dreams, Jordan. There is no one else out there to talk to you."

"Whatever, Lana. Be quiet till I figure out what the hell is going on."

"Till you figure it out! That will be the day. Your parents have probably been waiting for you to figure it out since birth."

"Ignore her, kind Sir. She can not hear me, and you are causing yourself unneeded grief. I am Excalibur. The sword of kings and mighty wizards."

"Yeah, right, and I am Donald Duck." Nymphs, Fairies, Trolls and now Excalibur. "How gullible do these aliens think I am?" I thought to myself.

"I do not care if you want to be Donald Duck, Jordan. Just cut the damn sword out of the gears!" Lana was yelling now. She must have really thought I was nuts.

"I am very pleased to meet you, Sir Donald, but those puny little scissors in your hand will not make a dent in my magnificent metal. The only way you can remove me is if you are pure of heart and can pull me from the gears."

"You mean like King Arthur?"

I heard Lana mumbling something like, "Why now, G.O.D.? Why did he have to go nuts now? Maybe his air tank is low." I ignored her and listened for the sword to answer.

"Yes, just like Arthur. He was such a fine king. He took me into many battles, all of which I emerged from unscathed. Now grab hold of me and pull, Sir Donald. Please."

I grabbed the sword with two hands, which was kind of dangerous since I was a hundred feet in the air. At first I thought there was no way it was going to come out this way. Then I could feel the tension on it start giving, and knew it was about to come free. Just as it came out in my hands, I gave a shriek of joy and the world, (or should I say moon?), spun upside down. I felt myself going into free fall as the dish spun away from me. I'm not sure what made me react so quickly, but it's a good thing I did. I dropped the sword and grabbed the edge of the dish hanging on for dear life, closing my eyes, and screaming at the top of my lungs, as I hung in space.

Chapter 17 - Sometimes You Have to Pinch Yourself

Lana's voice cut through my screams. "Jordan, Jordan! Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
I was pushing the buttons to check the controls of the antenna when you managed to get the sword loose. I thought you would let me know when you were about to pull it out!"

I sure loved her, but how did she always manage to make everything my fault? I didn't have time to think about this, as I was shaking in my boots. Both pairs of them.

"I was letting out my scream of accomplishment when you threw me off. I can't be responsible for it turning into a scream of terror. Now tell me how to get down, please. I don't know how long I can hold my weight. Please, G.O.D., don't let me die on this moon." I meant it as a prayer, even if it did sound kinda like a whine.

"Oh hush, Jordan. You could hold your weight forever. You do not weigh anything here, remember?"

This calmed me down some, as she was right, and I could have even pulled my body up onto the dish where it was safe. What a relief. I had been imagining myself splattered on the rocks below, with the air slowly hissing out of my suit. Then the depressurization would cause my entire body to be sucked out of my suit into space, just like Ripley's baby in Alien 4. Not a pretty picture to have going through your mind. Now all I had to do was get down.

"Any brilliant ideas on how I get down from here, Miss Know It All?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have a great suggestion. Let go, you fool."

"You would say that. Here I was thinking you were such a nice woman and you tell me to just let go. You really want to see me splatter on the rocks, don't you? To think I loved you, and you were just pretending to like me. This is how you get back at me for being able to fly. You can't handle needing anyone, can you? You women are all alike."

"Are you done being an idiot yet, Jordan?"

"I don't know. Are you done telling me to let go?"

"Alright, Jordan. The way I see it is that there comes a time in every man's life when he must make a choice." I was pretty sure I had heard this speech before, but I didn't understand where she was going with it.

"You have three choices. You can haul your ass into the satellite dish and sit there until your suit runs out of air and you die. Number two is make another leap from the dish back to the ladder. But I see you crashing into it and hurting yourself. Possibly ripping your suit and, again, running out of air and dying. Number three is you can be that real man you keep telling yourself you are and let go, pushing off ever so gently and landing on your feet. There is hardly any gravity and you should fall slowly and not hurt yourself."


I wasn't particularly fond of any of her choices. My pick would be the one where they send out a fire truck with a really tall ladder to get me down, but that didn't seem to be on the list. She had a point about the no gravity thing, and I knew I probably wouldn't get hurt, but knowing and doing are two different things. I couldn't remember any spiky rocks directly underneath, but I looked down to make sure I wasn't forgetting some jagged behemoth situated below me. Not a smart move.
Do you know how scary it is looking down from the top of a huge satellite dish? Well maybe not, but trust me, it is scary. The only thing that kept me from shedding tears uncontrollably was the sight of the sword as it floated the last few feet to the ground. I could see it land with a little puff of moon dust and it broke my heart to think I had held Excalibur, the most famous sword in the universe, in my hands, and dropped it.

I was still trying to see if I could think of an answer that was better than Lana's when she started yelling at me through the headset. "Look, Jordan, I do not have all day. You have fixed this problem. For which I am very grateful. Now I need to go back up to the control room and make sure we have made contact with G.O.D. I am going to give you exactly five minutes to get your ass back here, or I am going to leave you out there alone. Your choice. Now what is it going to be, boy? Are you going to be a man and let go or a frozen mouse on the face of this moon?"

Then it struck me, like a lightening bolt from heaven. An idea that Lana hadn't thought of! I wouldn't have to let go, or die out here. I could just be ransported. That's the ticket. Now all I needed to do was tell Lana. The only down side I saw was that I wouldn't get to drive the moon rover again, which really sucked. Lana might be proud of me for thinking up something different and for being willing to use alien technology that she knew I was afraid of. I was mulling over the pros and cons when Lana broke in.

"Okay, Jordan. Your time is running out. Are you going to be a man or a popsicle mouse?"

"Neither!" I yelled back into the microphone.

"You're going to transport me and the rover back inside the airlock. Don't forget to get the sword, too. I think it might be important. How's that for an answer, Smarty Pants? I thought of something you didn't. Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!"

"Oh, grow up, Jordan!" was the last thing I heard before I found myself back in the tunnel, safe and sound, under the moon rover. Luckily, I was under the chassis instead of the tires, so I wasn't hurt. "Much easier than letting go," I thought to myself.

This had even been a soft landing, since Lana made me materialize on the floor. I wasn't about to complain about being under the rover. I was just happy she didn't materialize the sword under me, although I am sure she considered it.

"Okay Jordan, haul your butt out from under the rover and get out of your suit. I am going to transport back to the control room to make sure the system is up and orking. Do you think you can find your way back to the pod room, or do you need me to hold your hand and make sure you get there?"

"You go on ahead, Sweetness. I'll take the sword and go find Merlin. Maybe he can explain how it got stuck in the antennae gears." I wanted to make her hold my hand, but I knew she was just kidding and I needed some time to myself after this last experience.

"If you are sure you can find the way, Jordan, I am going to leave you now. The rest of the aliens should be awake by this time. Please be polite and do not hit on any of them, for G.O.D.s sake."

That thought spurred me into action. My Amy was awake. Hopefully she would be with Merlin. Only now I wished that I had picked out clothing more suited for carrying a sword. It was going to clash with the western gear I had on. I scooched out from under the rover and started trying to take my helmet off. I should have payed closer attention to how Lana fastened the damn thing instead of ogling her tits, because after 30 minutes I still couldn't figure out how to remove it. That was the point when this buzzer started going off in my ear.

It kept repeating, "Warning! Suit oxygen depleted! Five minutes until asphyxiation!"

I wasn't sure what asphyxiation meant, but I did know that running out of oxygen was not a good thing. I redoubled my efforts, determined that I was not going to die inside a tunnel full of air just because I couldn't remove a stupid helmet.
So there I was, desperately rolling on the floor and grappling with my helmet, when Miss Amy walked in. The warning in my helmet was now, "60
seconds until expiration, 59 . . . 58 . . . "

I was so frantic by this time that when Amy sat down on my chest in order to get to the helmet controls, I didn't even know she was there. I just thought the weight on my chest was from lack of air. Then I heard a click and a hiss as the helmet came free.

I laid there breathing in great gulps of air with my eyes closed, waiting for the pressure on my chest to ease, but it never did. I opened my eyes, and there on top of me was my dream, my Amy. I thought maybe I was still delusional from lack of oxygen, but decided I could have fun with my delusions. It's not like I hadn't had some pretty fun delusions, illusions, and dreams in the past.

I grabbed Miss Amy and hugged her to my chest, kissing her face and hair and breathing in the womanly scent of her body. If this was a dream, it was one of the best ones I ever had. It was so real. I could feel her huge breasts rubbing
against my chest, the thin silk of her dress and the warm skin beneath it. Her legs were sliding down between mine. My hard-on pressed against her body. Then she started kissing back. I dragged one hand from her back and pinched myself to see if this was still a dream and it hurt like the dickens. It wasn't a dream. This gorgeous babe was really kissing me.

I was stunned, but only for a moment before my auto pilot took control. I wrapped my arm around her once again and started sliding it down her back to see if I could get to the end of her dress and underneath where I could touch some skin. I was thinking that if this was going to go much farther, I needed to get out of this space suit and the clothes underneath.

I was just about to suggest this to her when I opened my eyes again and saw Goliath standing above me. He was staring down into my face, and he wasn't smiling. I stopped everything I was doing and removed my hands very slowly from Amy's body, wishing with all my heart that I would pass out again so I wouldn't feel the pain when Goliath beat me to a pulp for playing with his wife. Amy noticed that I was no longer responding and looked up to see her hubby standing over us.

"Oh Goliath, get that look off your face. You are scaring the poor boy," she said in a rather New York Jewish Princess sort of voice.

"Sorry, Hon. Habit, I guess," he replied, turning his scowl into a large toothy smile. I am not real sure that his smile looked any less scary.

"I thought you might need some help with this one. From the description I got from that Lana woman, he sounded pretty incompetent."

"He's harmless, Babycakes. I found him rolling on the floor, unable to remove his helmet and the air warnings going off, so I climbed on top of him to remove it. He was just grateful for all my help in saving his life. Weren't you Jordan?" She smiled up at Goliath while she patted my chest with her perfect little hand.

"Yeah, . . . that's it." I agreed seizing on her excuse.

"I was just grateful, Goliath. In my family we always show our gratitude with physical contact and she was just sitting there on top of me, so beautiful I couldn't resist."

"Don't worry about it, Jordan. Lots of men have that reaction when they find Amy sitting on top of them. I know I still do, and I have been married to the woman for four thousand years.

"Now, Amy, I think you should get up before you destroy the poor boy completely. I haven't even had sex with you since we woke up and you know the rules. I get you first."

"Alright Goliath, but now I am in the mood and you better take care of it soon."

While she said this, she looked up at Goliath with a look I would have killed to have directed at me. With that, she stood up and backed out of the way, so Goliath had room to help me stand up in this stupid suit. He would be great to have around the farm I thought, as his giant hand pulled me upright. I bet he could even pull that old Buick out of the ditch I put it into a few years back.

Once I was upright, Amy helped me get out of the space suit and put it up properly, making sure to put in a new air cartridge, while Goliath stored the rover back in its little garage. Amy told me how much she liked my cowboy outfit and that the Old West had been one of her favorite places to play.

As Goliath walked toward us from the garage area, I could see that he was carrying my lovely treasure from the dish in his hands. I could also hear it complaining in a very high-pitched voice.

"Unhand me, you brute! What do you think you are doing? Where is that lovely Sir Donald who rescued me? You are not pure of heart, or anything else. You have not been pure of heart for thousands of years. I can tell. Why, the images of lust and violence radiating off of you fill this whole room. The thought of someone like you handling me is enough to make me rust. If I could rust. It is just a figure of speech, you understand."

As Goliath handed the mouthy sword to me, he asked, "G.O.D., Jordan. Where did you find this thing? Merlin was supposed to recycle it years ago so those human idiots would quit wreaking havoc with it."

"Do not think he didn't try!" shrieked Excalibur.

"In the antenna gears," I answered as I took the sword in my hands. Excalibur immediately began to purr like a kitten.

"Lord Donald," it begged, "Promise you will not let these heathens handle me again. I have been a long time without anyone touching me, so I am very sensitive to the bad aura emanating off of them."

"Bad aura my ass, Excalibur," Goliath huffed. "You just know we would both rather see you recycled into something that might actually be useful, like maybe a door stop or tinfoil."

"Please, Master, do not let them hurt me," exclaimed Excalibur. "I promise to be a good and true sword for you. I will kill all of your enemies and your friends will look at you with awe when they see you carrying me, Excalibur, Sword of Kings. You are so good and so kind. Not at all like these horrible people here who do not appreciate the value of a trustworthy sword."

Goliath looked like he was ready to rip the sword in half with his bare hands and Amy was laughing and going on about how she had told the men that creating a talking bloodthirsty sword was a bad idea. But who listens to the women?

I thought it was great that I finally had someone who recognized me for the wonderful man I am. Even if that someone was a sword. So I hugged Excalibur to my body and promised him that I would never let anyone else touch him ever again. He was mine, and I wasn't giving him back.

After groans of disgust, Amy and Goliath started off back down the hall towards the elevator. I didn't want to get left behind, so I clutched onto my precious new sword even tighter and hurried to catch up.

Chapter 18 - Power Alert

When we entered the control room, things looked like mass chaos to me, but I suppose everyone knew what they were doing. A lot of the aliens I had seen in the pods were standing at different computer work stations around the room, pressing buttons and talking computer talk to each other.

It all looked very boring and I didn't understand a word of it. Finally a hush fell over the room as the ship's computer started talking in its flat mechanical voice.
"Antenna aligned . . . Signal sent . . . Message received . . . Complete interface with G.O.D. computer in 10 seconds, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . . G.O.D. Computer now online and functioning at 98 percent efficiency. Please input next command."

One of the aliens at a control board next to me let out a yell of, "Yes, and it's about time!" Then he punched a series of buttons which I assumed made up the next command. I was right, because the computer voice started going again.
The sound made me jump when it started up again. The room had been so quiet I guess it startled me. Unfortunately, that caused me to step backwards and trip over something. I didn't get a chance to see what it was, as I hurried to get back on my feet before anyone noticed. They were listening to the voice very intently, so I don't think they saw me fall.

"Dual power shields initiated . . . Processing start-up routine . . . "
There was a really long pause after that one and all the aliens stood around holding their breath. Finally the voice came back.

"Request made for dual online power shields has been denied. Power sources not available at this time. Estimated time to Earth's weapons range, 3 hours 21 minutes. Please input next command."

Now the whole room erupted into groans and the occasional four letter word. I could hear Lana from the other end of the room screaming, "Damn it! That's just not possible. All the power connections tested fine just thirty minutes ago."

She started walking toward us, calling out for the command board. I looked over at the alien who had yelled so enthusiastically earlier, as he sank to his knees with a cheerless, "We're all going to die. This can't be happening to me. Please, G.O.D. What did I do wrong?"

I tried to get to him before Lana reached him, to tell him that begging on your knees wasn't a defense against Lana, but she made it there first.

"Get up you wimp! I do not have time for sniveling. If we don't get this right, we are all going to die and I am not going to let that happen."

The alien got up quickly but maintained as much distance from this bellowing crazy woman as he could, while still doing what she said. "Now, I want a new power check run. I know it is going to take an hour but we have no choice." It was nice, in a perverted kind of way, to see her bossing someone else for a change, even if I did feel sorry for the guy.

The alien at the board was punching buttons rapidly on his control board while still muttering "gonna die" under his breath.

"Quit that," Lana said to him as she smacked him on back of the head. "I need positive thinking."

"Okay," she yelled at everyone else in the room. "You all have a break until we figure this out. Stay close though, because I want to be able to start again as soon as we have the power back online."

People had just started to file out when G.O.D. put in his first on-ship appearance, popping in right next to Lana.

"Lana, my dear girl, did you forget that I am online? I am much faster than this old behemoth. I have already run the trace for you and I know exactly what the problem is."

"Okay, then. Finally, someone that knows how to work. What a relief. So tell me G.O.D., where is the problem and how can we fix it?"

As soon as he turned from Lana and started walking towards me, I knew it was my fault. I must have tripped over something important. Damn, all I wanted to do was avoid a little embarrassment. If I had told them when it happened, maybe it wouldn't be broken now. Everyone was going to hate me because now they were all going to die. I ran over to Lana and started apologizing, groveling at her feet and telling her how sorry I was for destroying the computer. I even went so far as to tell her she could kill me now if that would make her feel better. Luckily, she just waved me aside and walked over to where G.O.D. was now standing, holding the end of an electrical cord in his hand.

"I believe this is the problem," he said simply.
"Yes, that would be it. Conrad, get over here and fix this. The rest of you back to your boards and be ready for the next test as soon as he is done."

Chapter 19 - Be Good and I will Let You Hack Up Small Furry Creatures

I took this moment, while the whole room was erupting in cheers and the people were slapping each other on the back, to make my away across the room to where I had seen Merlin standing before everything went nutso. I needed to ask him about the sword. I had wanted to talk to Lana about how she left me to die, but after breaking her computer I thought it best to get away when she wasn't looking.

Merlin looked up as I approached, and his jaw dropped halfway to the floor when he saw what I was carrying. I never knew his eyes could stick out that far. When he finally found his voice, it was filled with fear and disbelief.

"Oh no! Why didn't you leave that thing where you found it? And how did you find it? I thought it would be in the far reaches of the galaxy by now."

Merlin was silent again, standing there shaking his head and looking like I had just killed his dog or something. I didn't get it. Why all the fuss over a sword? It couldn't be that bad. Then Excalibur got very hot in my hands and started shrieking in a voice high enough to peel paint right off the wall.

"Why, you old bastard! You wish I had disappeared into oblivion! My Lord, loosen your grip and let me run this old fake through. I will see you in pieces, magician!"

I didn't understand anything that was going on between Merlin and my sword, but I was pretty sure that letting go of Excalibur was a not the thing to do. A big sword hacking people up in the control room would be very bad for morale, not to mention the computers. Besides, I was kinda fond of Merlin by now and really didn't want his blood pooling at my feet.

I gripped Excalibur as tightly as I could and whispered sweet nothings into his hilt to help calm him down. You know - things like, "Good sword, no you can't cut Merlin. Just be good a little longer and I will take you home. Then you can hack at trees and small furry creatures . . ." Anyway, you get the idea.

Merlin stared at me with silent disgust while I petted and whispered my sword into being quiet for a few minutes. The sword's shuddering was now down to a level where I could talk to Merlin again without it leaping from my hand and I asked what all the fuss was about.

"The damn thing never shuts up, that's what it's all about," shouted Merlin.
"Kill, kill, kill . . . that, and run at the mouth, is all it ever wants to do. It could never understand that humans had found much more efficient ways of killing than swords and that he was obsolete. I agreed not to recycle him out of some misplaced sense of sentimentality, I suppose and I really thought that keeping it to talk to while everyone else slept would be nice. After three or four years of listening to him go on and on about the good old days and that damned Lady of the Lake, I couldn't take it any more.

"One afternoon I snapped. I closed my mind to the thing and walked quietly to the closest airlock. Then I tossed its evil misbegotten self inside and pushed the button, jettisoning him out the damn airlock. I was hoping he would float forever."

Just then Amy piped in, "Well he didn't. You lodged him into the antenna gears, you silly old goat. You should have sent him flying down the disposal shoot. And just for the record, I thought I was a magnificent Lady of the Lake."

"You were, dear," answered Merlin. "It is just that I did not want to hear the story told over and over again for hours at a time, day in and day out. You are also right about the disposal chute."

"To think it was a mouthy egotistical chuck of metal that caused me to be alone for the last fifty years. I should have known it would find some way to retaliate. What a worthless, no good piece of unfinished universe. The worst idea I ever helped give birth too. Jordan," he finished with a sigh, "Hand it over now so I can destroy it completely. The world will be a much safer place without Excaliber in it"

"Yes, Jordan," Lana said, adding her two cents worth. "Give him the damn silly sword and get out of here. I have a shield to raise, remember?"

That was when Excalibur began to vibrate erratically in my hands. My fingers started slipping and my grip was being loosened by the incredible force the sword was putting out. I had to do something, and fast, before someone lost a body part. I was pretty sure I would be one of the first, since that's the way things seemed to work for me on this trip. I wanted to keep all my body parts.

I quickly blurted out between shaking teeth that I would gladly take Excalibur home with me, since Merlin obviously didn't want it back and it didn't seem like Excalibur was real anxious to be back with the aliens.

"Never! No way. Impossible," started Merlin. "Do you have any idea what this sword is capable of? And how much he loves to interfere with humans? Arthur was not supposed to die, you know. This sword's meddling changed the whole story line, not to mention the years it took us to get history back on track."

Excalibur was still shaking, but he paused as Merlin finished speaking. He was waiting to see what I would come up with next, I guess. I was pretty sure Excalibur wanted to be with me, so I thought it wouldn't be too hard to get him to go along with my next suggestion.

"Tell you what, Merlin," I said, thankful that my teeth were no longer being shaken loose from my head. "How about if Excalibur promises not to do anything to interfere with humans, and swears to listen to me and only me?"

This is when my Homicidal Honey, Lana, couldn't restrain that urge she has to give me hidden compliments in front of other people. "Yeah, like that should make us all rest easy. The idiot giving the psycho sword orders."

"At least I never left anyone to die in their space suits!" I yelled. "AIt was real kind of you to go off and leave me writhing in agony as my oxygen ran out. How was I supposed to know how to get the helmet off?"

"Two buttons and a half of a turn, Jordan. I thought you were paying attention when I put it on. Even a half-trained chimp could have gotten out of that suit. Silly me, I should have known better than to give you credit for having as much ntelligence as an ape."

"Uh . . . well, I . . . er . . . It=s your fault! You kept rubbing your tits on the glass in the front of the helmet so I couldn't see what you were doing. If you weren't teasing me all the time, these things wouldn't happen."

I knew I had finally hit the nail on the head and there was no way she could deny it. That was why she threw her hands up in the air and walked away, mumbling something about men, egos, libidos, (whatever those are) and brainless twits. Merlin took my mind off Lana's fickle behavior by saying something nice to me, which was something it seemed I could only count on from Merlin. He was the most intelligent person I had met on this whole adventure. Well, Amy was pretty smart, too. That was obvious from the way she knew I was a man to be reckoned with when she sat on top of me.

"Jordan, I may live to regret this, but I will consider your idea. I think Lana has underestimated you and it is obvious from the fact that you were able to pull Excalibur from the satellite dish that you have a good heart. Even if you do keep that fact well hidden from the people around you. If that worthless hunk of metal will swear to never ever do anything unless you tell it to, I may let you keep him. Just keep it out of my sight, and hearing, for the rest of the time you are here. You must promise that you will not use Excalibur for any evil purpose or personal gain. I will trust you to keep your word."

"I swear it, Merlin. I won't even use it to impress the women and get them into the sack with me. How about you, Cali? Are you game? I promise to keep you well polished."

The sword hummed in my hands and slowly drew out it's promise to Merlin. "Well . . .I suppose it is better than being left stuck in that damn dish and certainly better than the disposal unit. I promise to abide by the old man's rules, as long as he promises to never come back to Earth and harass me. And, My Lord Donald, . . . I don't need to be polished. I was created from the essence of the universe and I will keep my sexy shiny luster forever. All I need is a little taste of blood every decade or so."

"You need nothing of the sort," interjected Merlin. "Don't start your nonsense already, you piece of gaudy junk, or I will dismantle you right here and now. And his name is not Donald, you mindless metal maniac. It is Jordan!"

"I was just kidding Merlin! You never could take a joke, always had to have your feather in a ruffle. I was probably better off out there stuck in that damned antenna all these years, rather than in here with an old sour puss like you. I am sure Jordan will appreciate my sense of humor. Anyway, I promise and swear and all that stuff."

I could hear Excalibur laughing in the back of my mind, but this didn't seem like the time to mention it to Merlin. He might not let me keep Excalibur if he knew.

I patted my new friend on his hilt and reassured him that we were going to be good buddies from now on. My other good friend, Merlin, then said the only thing that could have made me almost as happy as Amy going to a sleep pod to curl up with me.
He suggested I get something to eat and take a nap, as it would be a while before we would reach Earth. The nap sounded great, but I wasn't going to eat any more of that recycled crap. And I do mean crap, literally.

"Thanks, Merlin, but I'll pass on the food. I'm really tired, but not feeling real hungry right now." Of course, my stomach chose this moment to make a liar out of me and gave a loud and long growl.

Merlin chuckled and asked if there wasn't still food on the space plane Lana and I had arrived in. This made me remember the peanut butter and green olives and I started drooling just thinking about some of my favorite sandwiches tucked in my tummy before a nice long nap. I thanked Merlin and hurried out as fast as I could go, carrying that heavy sword. As I left, I overhead Goliath and Merlin talking about me, but my stomach was now making demanding noises and I didn't pay too much attention.

"Do you think that was really a good idea, Merlin?" I heard Goliath ask.
"Maybe not, Goli, but I have a feeling that boy is going to need a friend. I do not think the world is going to be quite what he expects once he gets back. If he decides to go with us, however, we will have to make other arrangements for the sword. I am not spending eternity with that blithering braggart."

I had no clue what Merlin meant by the world not being what I expected. Nothing has changed in Manchester for two hundred years. How could it change in three days? Besides, my sandwiches and my nap were calling.

Chapter 20 - How to Properly Dress Your Sword

I had forgotten that the space plane was six miles away, or I would have asked someone to transport me there. When I started out, I didn't think it would be a problem, but by the time I had walked for twenty minutes, carrying Cali, I knew walking was not such a good idea.

I relished the idea of having a legendary, magical, mystical sword of my very own, but why did it have to be so heavy? Couldn't aliens make invincible swords that weighed next to nothing? I was trudging along, beginning to drag my friend behind me, when he suddenly spoke up.

"I have to be heavy, My Lord, to cut through bone and muscle, not to mention chain mail. If you had a scabbard, like a proper gentleman, this would not be a problem."

I don't know what surprised me more, that Excalibur seemed to be reading my mind, or that he called me "My Lord." I really liked that and decided I would have to ask Lana to call me that next time I saw her. She owed me that much after leaving me to die. "I have called all who have owned me 'My Lord.' It is your just title, My Lord, for having freed me."

At least now I knew he could read my mind. I was going to have to be careful, as I was beginning to entertain thoughts of just hiding him somewhere and coming back for him after I was rested.

" do not care what is in your mind, My Lord. Just what is in your heart. I believe we can solve this whole problem by going to the closet where all the clothes are kept. I am sure there is a scabbard or two in there."

"That would be great, if I knew how to get there. Not to mention, if I knew what the hell a Scab Board is."

"No problem, My Lord. Just follow me." With that, my poor tired arm flew up in front of me, the sword pointing forward.

"Do not let go!" Excalibur bellowed as I was pulled forward, my shoulder almost wrenched out of its socket. I had no choice but to follow the sword while it hollered, "Tally-ho!!!" all the way. He did get us to the closet, though. I was exhausted and the sword was giggling insanely. He seemed to literally thrive on excitement. I began thinking that Manchester might be too boring for Cali and maybe he would be better off if I went with the aliens. Then we could tame a new planet together and save damsels in distress. Of course, at home maybe he could help me make the damsels undress, and that would be fun too.

We had stopped in front of the section of the closet marked "Dark Ages and Medieval Formal Wear." I saw a lot of really cool looking armor and was tempted to try some of it on, but when my trusty sword told me how much it weighed, I changed my mind. I was a little disappointed, but wanted to find this Scab thing and get some food.

"Over there, My Lord. In the corner. See it? That piece of leather that has all the pretty gold and jewels on it. Set me down and take it off the hanger. Put the strap over your head and shoulder so it hangs on your hip."

Damn! Was that thing ever beautiful. I like gold and jewels and other shiny things almost as much as I like fork lifts. Much as I hated putting Cali down, it was a relief to get the weight out of my hands. I reached in and grabbed the scabbard (I thought I understood the idea, now) and took it down. My friend should have warned me that it weighed as much, if not more, than he did. This was my thought as I fell face first into the closet, landing with my face on the large ruby imbedded in the center of the scabbard. Damn! That hurt! This time I had a good reason for saying that, as the ruby took a nice chunk out of my right cheek.

"My Lord! My Lord! Are you alright? Do not bleed on my scabbard please! It would ruin the whole effect."

I rolled onto my back, stared at the ceiling of the closet and wondered why I ever went out onto the porch to watch that tornado.

"Do I look alright, Cali? I thought this was supposed to make carrying you easier. Doubling your weight is not my idea of easier. Look, there's a nice plain brown leather scabbard over there. How about I get that one for you?"

"I could never be seen in something that ordinary, My Lord. Why, it is the scabbard of a simple fighting peasant. How could you even think of putting me into something that base and common?"

I sat up, groaning and trying to think of a way to make him understand without insulting him. "Because I have to carry you, Cali, and it is another four miles or so to the space plane. I've worked hard the last couple of days with very little rest, and even less food. I'm sleep deprived and slowly starving to death.

"Couldn't you make an exception? It's not like anyone important is going to see you. No one even carries a sword on Earth anymore. Please go in the leather one and I promise we'll use the pretty one when I feel better."

"Never! Really, My Lord, I can not understand why you are walking anyway. I thought maybe you were trying to impress that nice lady in the control room. I read your mind while you were talking to her and I know you want to shag her."

"Er, Cali. Try not to read my mind when I'm thinking of women, okay? It could be a little embarrassing for you. What do you mean? How else are we going to get there if we don't walk?"

"Well, My Lord, if you do not mind my saying so, there is a closet full of hand-held transport modules right over there," he said as he turned his point toward another closet.

"Is that so?" The thought of getting one of those for myself made the ache in my face ease up a bit. I got up and went to the closet he was pointing toward and grabbed one of the transporters. I flipped it open like they used to with the
communicators in Star Trek and stared at all the buttons and flashing lights. I had gotten over my fear, er . . . hesitation, about being transported, but I hadn't watched close enough to see what buttons I was supposed to push and in what order.
Visions of 'The Fly' still came to my mind.

"Don't worry, My Lord. I know how they work."

"You do? Great! Oh, and by the way, could you please quit calling me that?"

"Why, My Lord? You thought you liked it, earlier."

"I do like it, Cali. It's just that I keep thinking you're talking to some king or something. I keep looking around to see who else is in the room. Jordan will be just fine, if it's alright with you."

"Your wish is my command, Lord Jordan. I did swear to obey your every command. Now let me see . . . I watched them fly you into cargo bay one from my wonderful vantage point out on the moon . . ."

"Yeah, that's right. I remember seeing the big ONE painted on the wall," I said quickly. I didn't want him thinking about being left out on the dish. He seemed pretty touchy about it, and I didn't want him to decide to go back to the control room to have another go at Merlin.

"Okay. So, the coordinates you need to punch in are one, two, one, and then punch send."

I started punching the numbers when Cali screamed, "Jordan!!"

He stopped me just as I was about to hit the send key. "What?"

"I am down here on the floor. You are up there. If you punch send now, you will go and I will stay. You have to pick me up first. And do not forget my scabbard."

I strapped on the scabbard and then slid Excalibur into it. Together, they must have weighed a thousand pounds. I hit the send key as quickly as I could, just to get where I was going so I could take them off. We didn't make it to the cargo bay.
I don't know if Amy and Goliath were more surprised, or I was. I had popped into their room and they were right in the middle of taking care of uh . . . business. Goliath gave a growl and I just punched numbers and hit send as fast as I could. At that point, I didn't care where I ended up. I did care once I got there. Landing in a bathroom with both feet in the toilet is not a fun time. I should know. I did it. I was pretty exasperated by now and would have screamed in frustration if Cali hadn't spoken up right then.

"I am so sorry, My . . . er, Lord Jordan. The proper coordinates for cargo bay one are one, one, two. I was a little confused after all that time in deep space. Please forgive me."

"If this works, my friend, I will forgive you anything," I told him, I punched the numbers and hit send while holding my breath. I let it out in a giant sigh of relief as the space plane appeared before my eyes. Food!!

Even the weight of my friend and his holder couldn't keep me from jogging into the plane and up to the kitchen. I did, of course, set them both down as soon as I got there. I grabbed my jars of peanut butter and green olives and began building a feast fit for a king.

After making four sandwiches, I decided to stack them all on top of one another and test my skill with a sword. I figured having them stacked like that and cut into pieces was kind of fancy, like they serve in them high fallootin restaurants. Hey, I had a sword that belonged to a king once. I might as well eat like one.

I set the pile of sandwiches carefully on the table and took Cali out of his scabbard. Raising him high above my head with both hands, I gave what sounded to me like a war cry, and brought him down on the sandwiches, cutting them cleanly in half. Unfortunately, he also cut the table cleanly in half and put a very deep dent in the floor.

"Now, Master, why did you have to go and do that? I am supposed to be used for cutting men in half, not sandwiches. You could have at least had the decency to put some meat in the sandwiches."

"Damn! I'm sorry, Cali. I didn't know that would happen, but I had to give it a try. Oh, well. At least I know not to try that at home."

I set Cali back on the shelf and retrieved the pieces of my sandwiches from the floor. One of my best memories of my adventure was eating my favorite meal while my newest friend entertained me with stories of Camelot. The real stories, not the ones you hear in school and at the movies.

Having finished the meal, my exhaustion caught up with me, it was all I could do to drag Cali to the small, but inviting, bedroom with me. I set him on the shelf above the bunk and crawled under the sheets, hoping no one came to wake me for at least twenty-four hours. I laid there getting sleepier each passing moment as Excalibur hummed lullabies softly above me.

Chapter 21 - What Would Jesus Do

Laying there thinking about the past few days events, I turned over the junk heap in my brain, which I call my thinking pile. I was preparing it to consider the offer of moving to a distant planet while I slept. I try and let my mind make all the important decisions about my life while I sleep, and dream of those things kept in the sleeping pile of my mind. They were much more relaxing thoughts.

Slowly I drifted off into dreamland, exactly what Lana had asked. You would think that would have satisfied her, but only if you have never met a woman. If you have ever met a woman, then you know that all they do is change their minds. If men do it we get called liars. Once again the evil woman interrupted my dreams right at the best part.

I had been sleeping quite peacefully, dreaming about my lovely Lana and Ms. Amy Geddon. What a pair they make together. The things they were doing to me in my dream took my mind off all the aches and pains I had collected so diligently on this adventure. Lana and Amy were about to mud wrestle naked and the winner got me all to herself for half an hour, while the loser just had to watch. They were just about to step into the mud ring when Lana's lovely voice shattered my vision and I woke up moaning.

"Damn you woman!" I cried sleepily. "You have the lousiest timing in the solar system. Let me go back to sleep for just a few more minutes. The match should be over by then."

"I don't know what the hell you are talking about Jordan, and I really don't want to. What I do know is that you can't go back to sleep just yet. It is time."

"Time for what? More busy work, I'm sure. It can't be anything important, because according to you, there is nothing I can do that an alien can't do better. Remember? So go find yourself one of them to do your dirty work and leave me alone." I really was tired of her breaking into my much-needed sleep.

"Now, Jordan. Let's not be that way. Here. I brought this for you," she said, handing me an itchy smelly grey robe.

"Put this on and come with me. There is something very important you have to do. The entire mission depends on it and I do not have time for your silly games."

"So, what's your point Lana? I told you to find an alien to do whatever it is you want done. I'm sleeping. The computers are up, so you can't want me to fly anything and there is nothing else I can imagine that you would want done that is worth losing sleep over," I finished, hoping it might be enough to make her go away.

Then I rolled away from her and closed my eyes, hoping I could recapture my dream. I could tell she was going to make me do whatever it was she wanted, but it is nice to play hard to get, even if you know you can't win. Besides, she needed me again, and hopefully this time I could use that to my advantage.

"Jordan, get your ass out of that bed right this minute!" she bellowed in my ear as she hit me on the back before grabbing my arm and dragging me off the bed onto the floor.

"This is serious," she claimed, staring down at me where I sat dazed and confused. Her hands were perched on her hips and she was wagging her finger at me, while I sat there wishing she was wearing a dress. Then I could at least look up her skirt while she tormented me. Too bad having me at her feet didn't make her any nicer when she started giving orders.

"Start changing now, Jordan. I promise not to look while I tell you what is going on. We have woken Christ up for the Rapture and he refuses to do it."

"So what Lana? Get one of the other aliens to do it or use a hologram. What's the big deal?" I asked as I was dragging down my Levis. "What does it have to do with me and why am I changing into this nasty robe?"

Just about that time, Merlin came to the doorway. Standing next to him and peeking around the corner into the room was this guy who looked exactly like the picture of Jesus that used to hang in Mama's dining room except his skin was darker than I remembered. He had the long hair, the beard and everything. He was quivering and drooling, (which wasn't in the picture I remembered) and repeating the same words over and over.

"No you can't make me go back there. Please don't make me go back there. They'll kill me; I know them. They don't want peace and brotherhood. They want blood, my blood."

He had dropped to his knees and was clinging to Merlin's pant leg, begging and pleading in that small broken voice. Then his eyes glazed over and he crawled out of the doorway. He didn't make it very far before he ran into the hallway wall and stopped. Curling up into a tight little ball, he continued mumbling to no one in particular. "No, not the thorns! You want me to drag this cross how far? Where's Mary? Really, you've made a mistake. Tell Pilate I'll proclaim him God of whatever he wants. Tell the Rabbis I will leave Jerusalem and live the rest of my life in pagan lands, just let me go home to my mommy. G.O.D., please G.O.D., if you are listening, please take me now."

Merlin looked at me with his giant, sad, bug eyes. Shrugging his shoulder and giving me that, "What else can we do?" look, he walked over to Christ, and patted his head, cooing softly to calm the alien down.

I dragged the silly robe over my head as quickly as possible. Changing with Lana in the room was one thing, but with two guys staring at me through the door? Yuck! Well, okay, Christ wasn't staring at anything but the floor, but even one guy watching me dress is too many.

"Who do you think you are kidding, Lana? This guy doesn't even remotely act like the calm, serene Messiah I studied in Sunday School. Let me guess. This is all an act to get me to do what you want. Or are you so bored now that you have fixed the computer that you can't find anything better to do in this ship than play with my head for fun?"

"Jordan, you are so dense. We told you that these people recreated their religion for our world. Did you think our Christ was the original one? You really can't blame him for the sad state he is in. The poor guy went through hell down there and still turned in a perfect performance. How would you like to live through your own crucifixion and then be buried alive?"

"Well, it don't sound like much fun, I admit. But what's this about being buried alive? I thought that Christ died faster than most people hanging on that cross. If he died, how was he buried alive and how did he get here now?"

"Hey, Merlin!" I yelled towards the door where he was still calming Christ. "Have you guys learned how to bring the dead back to life? We could make a lot of money back on Earth with that trick."

"No, Jordan," Merlin answered with a sigh. "He was not actually dead. Do you remember in the Bible where the guy gives Jesus a sponge full of vinegar?"

"Yeah. He was a good Samaritan, right?"

"You could say that. Except it wasn't just vinegar on that sponge. We gave him what you might call a zombie drug. He looked dead to the outside world but could still see and understand everything going on around him. He was a little unstable when we brought him out of the tomb for the resurrection so we pumped him full of happy drugs and used the gravity modulator to make him float. He could not walk a straight line for his life at the time. We prompted him so he would get the speech right and beamed him back as soon as we could."

"After we brought him back to the ship we put him in stasis immediately, hoping that if we let him sleep off the trauma for a few thousand years he would be his old self. It didn't work and his mind is too far gone for us to help him now."

Lana shuddered as Merlin finished his story, then turned to me and went on with her explanation. "I don't think I would want to go back either if I had lived through what he did. But, that is the problem. The world is expecting him to return, and we sure can't put him on in this condition," she said with a sad look, drawing my eyes back to the poor broken man.

I could understand their problem and I could tell she was trying to get something from me, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was.

"I can see why he can't go back, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Well," she started slowly, gesturing around me with her hands, "you are the right build. With a wig and fake beard, we may be able to pull it off, as long as we don't use any close-ups."

Suddenly it dawned on me what she wanted me to do, and my survival instincts took over. "Like hell! That was not in my contract. Uh-uh, ain't gonna do it, no way, no how, you can't make me. Did you honestly think bringing him down here would help?" I asked, pointing toward the door.

"Why would I want to go out and face a bunch of religious fruitcakes if the real fake Christ won't even do it? Do I look stupid?"

I was in mid-complaint when the lights winked out and that cold feeling came over me. Lana hadn't even waited for me to finish before transporting us to the room where the tv studio of Heaven was set up. We rematerialized in a huge room filled to the brim with lights, cameras, computers and people running everywhere, getting things set up. Lana led me to a throne made of gold with elaborate carvings covering every inch, which was situated dead center in the middle of the room.

That's what I was thinking I would be after humanity got their hands on me. You know, dead. We humans are not known for being very nice to our messiahs and prophets. I reminded my tormentors that there were worse ways of dying than crucifixion, like burning at the stake, or being ripped limb from limb by the good
people who just wanted a little part you. Any part would do, you know: a finger, an eye, a nose, my left nut. I wondered what the going price would be for Jesus' nuts. But I didn't wonder for too long. It was too painful to contemplate.

Lana and Merlin both promised me that no one would actually be able to touch me and that I would be safe, no matter what. Amy came over to me and wrapped her arms around me, whispering in my ear that she would watch over me just in case. Then she swore to strike anyone who tried to hurt me with giant lighting bolts, turning them into dust where they stood. If I had actually listened to her rather than just losing myself in the feeling of her boobs rubbing my chest, I might not have been tricked so easily.

Merlin told me that they were going to film me and send it out through the holy-graphic imaging system to the entire world all at the same time. I thought that was quite a feather in my cap. I would be the first person from Earth to be viewed everywhere at the same time. Momma would have been proud that I was going to be a famous t.v. star, even if I couldn't use my real name.

Most important to me, I was going to stay right here on this moon until it was all over and no one could get near me to rip me to shreds. Otherwise, I would not have agreed to help them, no matter what they threatened me with. We had a few hours before my part of the show started and during that time I got to watch t.v. It had been two days since I saw a t.v., and boy was this a good show.

The news people in the world were going nuts as Charon zoomed closer and closer to Earth at unheard-of speeds. There was talk of it hitting the planet and killing everyone. They even showed some great footage of the Jesus freaks who were standing on street corners declaring, "The end is at hand!"

I thought this was kind of funny, since I had heard preachers go on about the end of the world my whole life and for once they were right. But they were still wrong. There was no way anyone on the planet could imagine what was actually going to happen. We got pictures on CNN from all around the world. People were panicking in the streets. You should have seen the freeways where people were trying to leave L.A. I had never seen so much excitement in my life.

I settled back in my throne while Lana and Amy were putting on my make-up. There I was, watching t.v. and having two beautiful women play with me and waiting to play God of the world. What more could a man ask for? Well, maybe a real beer. Finally the moon was brought to a stop just outside Earth's orbit.

Chapter 22 - Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

Merlin's team flipped a few switches and the world went dark. This scared me, because one minute the planet was there in front of me on one of the television screens, and then there was just a black hole in space. The first thought that went through my mind was that they had all been lying to me and that they were really an invading alien species who had come to destroy Earth. I was yelling something to that effect when Lana slapped me, really hard this time, and brought me back to my senses.

"Look, Jordan," Lana said, taking my head and moving it so that I was facing the screen.

"The t.v. is working again. It was just the energy shield they covered the Earth with. Remember, we talked about this earlier? The shield allows Merlin and the G.O.D. computer to control the weather and other 'natural' forces. The shield contains the energy net that allows the aliens to transmit your show world wide and controls the holy-graphics systems. It's also what keeps those pesky nuclear missiles we talked about from being able to get to us. Now just sit there and watch CNN like a good boy while we finish gluing on your beard."

I calmed down and went back to enjoying the two beauties fawning all over me. I knew they were enjoying this as much as I was, but they would never admit to it. I like stubborn women. My attention quickly returned to the spectacular show flitting across the t.v. screen.

That guy on CNN, you know, that really cool and calm black guy? He was practically foaming at the mouth trying to read reports coming in from around the world. The scientists were screaming about the mysterious force that was wrapped around the globe, trying to guess how many days it would be before the entire human population would be frozen and/or insane from the lack of sunlight. Weathermen couldn't keep up with the reports of the hundreds tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions that were happening on Earth.

The newsmen kept saying how miraculous it was that all these horrific natural events weren't happening in heavily populated areas and that very few people had been killed. Except for L.A. It had finally fallen into the ocean without a trace, but who was going to miss it?

As usual, there was mass looting and rioting everywhere. It's so nice to know that there are certain things you can always count on in a crisis. It made me homesick.
The next big report was that all the cars, trains and planes in the world had stopped working at the exact same moment. Every plane that was in the sky turned toward the nearest runway and landed. The pilots had no clue as to what was going on and the ones who had read any Stephen King were screaming things about Christine and Langoliers. (Whatever that meant. I never bothered to read the books, just waited till the movies came out.) Anyway, the world finally learned what really happens when you have G.O.D. as your co-pilot.

It was almost time for the Rapture to begin, and I was getting nervous. I had never performed in front of people before, unless you count playing arm pit songs for the gang down at the bar on Friday nights. Lana and Amy had finished with my costume and makeup. I was able to catch my reflection in the t.v. screen. It was a shock seeing myself and knowing that it was me sitting there instead of Christ.
Lana and Amy and the rest of the cast had run off to dress for their parts leaving me alone to wonder at what I was about to do. I was hoping their outfits were skimpy. I wish they hadn't felt it necessary to put the exact same robe on me that the Jesus alien had on last time he was down there. Didn't they remember that ancient Israel didn't have washing machines or indoor plumbing? This robe smelled almost as bad as those clothes I jettisoned, and I could have sworn there were little things crawling in it.

I tried to convince Lana that all I had to do was go on t.v. and say, "It's me. I'm here. Time to be Raptured. Let's go." I was positive people would get the point and then I could get out of this robe. She insisted, whining that the people of Earth needed their little show or they wouldn't believe.

So, there I was, bored and lonely, wrapped in a stupid, smelly, itchy robe, pretending to be Jesus, Savior of the World, sitting on a throne with a backdrop of clouds to make it look like I was floating in the heavens. I was pretty sure God, not G.O.D., wouldn't like this.

There was also a huge globe, off to the side where it wouldn't get in the picture. It was covered with flashing red, blue, and yellow lights. When I asked what it was for, Merlin told me the lights represented the electronic tags that had been placed on everyone who was going to take part in today's episode of 'The Good, The Bad, and The G.O.D.ly.'

When I asked how he knew the difference he said G.O.D. knows. I never did like that answer. I wanted to know how a computer located on an island electronically tags people. When I asked, Merlin gave me this mysterious smile and whispered "dentists" before walking out of the room, leaving me to ponder his response.

The heavens above the Earth split open at exactly five p.m. Eastern Standard Time, about an hour after the aliens deployed their energy field. All the Earthlings who weren't trapped on the freeways were safe at home, watching t.v. They had gathered their families to them, waiting for the end to come.

Out of the heavens poured angels playing golden trumpets and great carved harps while they hung in the clouds, paving the way for the return of the King, or me, in this case. The news programs showed people running out of their houses and staring up at the skies. Most of them screamed and ran back inside. Only a few brave souls who thought they had nothing to fear stayed outside to watch the show. It was time. It's a good thing the robe covered my boots or else they would have seen me shaking in them.

Lana and Merlin knelt down in front of the cameras, waiting to transmit my image across the world. No one would be able to see them but me. They were there to help me along if I got stuck and couldn't remember my lines. Lana was holding up hastily made cue cards for me to read, as she had said there was no way I would ever remember the whole thing. Don't know why that woman still didn't have any faith in me. I had proven myself to her over and over again.

I was patiently waiting for someone to say, "Lights, camera, action," but all I heard was Lana whisper harshly, "Come on, stupid! You=re on!"

"Ahem!" I started. Lana rolled her eyes at this, but I continued. "My children. The time has come. All that I promised and all that I warned is about to occur. Those of you in a state of grace will come to me now and join Our Father in everlasting life."

From in front of me, I could hear Lana whispering something at me, but couldn't quite make it out. I continued with my speech, but got very distracted when I noticed that the big t.v. screen I had been watching now had a life-size picture of yours truly on it. Man, did I look impressive!

I was floating on my throne in the clouds and all I could think of was that old song. You know the one . . . "If they could see me now . . . That old gang of mine . . ." There were angel babes flying above me with trumpets to their mouths and cute little naked cherubs lounging at my feet. I couldn't hear the music, which is a good thing. I'm not real into jazz.

"You will walk the golden paths....huh? What?"

"Stop scratching yourself!" Lana whispered as harshly as any yelling she had ever done before.

Oh! Sorry." If she had any idea how itchy that robe was, she would have understood my need to scratch my balls.

"Sorry, y'all . . . uh, children. St. Michael needed to remind me of something. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. You will walk the golden paths of Eternal Parasite, I mean Paradise, and live in peace and happiness forever. The nonbelievers and sinners among you who have refused to repent shall be justly judged and cast into the pits of hell.

Those of you who will remain have been given a second chance in a peaceful world where evil has been vanquished. You may wonder why there will be those left behind who you may consider wolves among my flock. Remember only God knows the true hearts of men. It is not yours to question, my children, but continue to praise God in all his infinite wisdom. Once his will is done, you will be left your promised thousand years of peace to contemplate the goodness and grace of Our Father."

This was when a picture of the Pearly Gates and my old buddy St. Pete appeared behind me. St. Pete stood next to the open gates holding the longest sheet of paper you can imagine, pencil ready to check names off. Guess they didn't want the world to know that St. Peter uses a palmtop.

At this point, I was supposed to stand up and spread my arms. Instead, I fell on my face. They shouldn't have made the robe so damn long. I stood back up quickly, spread my arms, and put on the nicest smile I could. I was pretty sure Lana was going to yell at me about tripping and thought if I could look sweet and Christ-like, it might make her go a little easier on me.

"I will now send out my angels to gather together my chosen from all over the world - from the farthest bounds of Earth and Heaven. Come, blessed of my Father, into the Kingdom prepared for you from the founding of the world." I was thinking whoever wrote this stuff was really good. Then the blue lights on the globe started blinking off rapidly, one at a time. The room next to me, where St. Pete had set up a desk and his laptop, began to fill with people popping in for their turn at the Pearly Gates. There were all kinds of people. All ages, races, sizes. I even saw some faces I recognized from t.v. and magazines. Gosh, was I surprised to see Hugh Hefner, dressed in his usual bath robe, standing behind Pope John.

Merlin told me earlier that G.O.D. had been checking everyone out for a long time and had chosen this bunch out of all the people now living on Earth. I can't say that I understood some of his reason, but then, G.O.D. works in mysterious ways. And ole Hef looked like he'd be more fun to spend eternity with than Jerry Falwell. I was still wondering where the dentist fit in.

Hef and the Pope both looked pretty haggard and I was sure they would appreciate the rejuvenating effects Lana had told me the sleep pods had. I could imagine their faces when they woke up at the end of their journey and they were both twenty-five years old and ready to kick butt again. Of course, I'm sure Hef was gonna do something different with his new-found youth than the Pope was, but one never knows. The Pope was said to be quite randy before becoming a priest.

I was staring over my shoulder, trying to watch all the newcomers, when Lana crept up behind me and whispered in my ear. She was so damn cute, all dressed up like an angel. I sure would have loved to stroke those wings.

"You=re supposed to sit still and look stoic, you fool. Not look like a country bumpkin during his first trip to the big city."

"What difference does it make? Now that they're here, why keep up the show?"

"The world is watching. You are still being broadcast around the globe."

"What for? My job is done. Now I just go off to Heaven with the babes . . . er, sheep, don't I?"

"They're lambs, not sheep, stupid. Well, there is one last act to this play. After that, you can do anything with sheep you want to."

"What now? I'm tired of this. The robe has lice and my makeup is melting off from the heat of the lights. I just want to go take a hot bath and get something real to eat. Please???"

"Not until all the prophecies are fulfilled, Jordan. Don't you remember your Revelations from Sunday School? We still have to cast the demon back into the pits of Hell with his followers."

"Well, have a good time doing it. I ain't fighting no demon. Enough is enough."

"Sshh! Talk softer and smile when you whine at me," she said through clenched teeth.

I plastered a smile on my lips, but could do nothing about the look of disbelief in my eyes. "Why must we always go through this, Jordan? I tell you to do something. You say no, then do it anyway. Why don't you save us both some time and say yes to begin with."

"Up until now, it didn't mean any bodily harm to me," I answered her through my smile.

"You can't trick me this time, Lana. I've seen The Exorcist and Devil's Advocate. I know how mean demons can be. I've already puked once today and I'm not crazy about the idea of turning my head backwards."

"It won't be a real demon, you idiot, any more than you are the real Jesus. It will be Goliath disguised to look like a demon by the holy-graphic system. The only reason we are using him in the holograph is so you have someone to hold on to during the wrestling scenes. You are not remotely coordinated or graceful enough to pull it off without help."

"Goliath??? Are you crazy, woman? Did you see the size of that man? I'm no good with a slingshot. He'll kill me"

"Yes, Mr. Wimpy, I have seen his size and it is impressive. The largest of all the alien men." She said this with a funny little sneer and I suddenly began to wonder about my sweet Lana. She couldn't possibly think about men in that way, could she? Women don't do that. It's a guy thing, isn't it? Then a new thought occurred to me.

"Why didn't you just use a holy-graphic image on me to make me look like Jesus? Then I wouldn't have had to wear this damn robe. Better yet, just use a holy-gram for Jesus and then I could have had that nice long nap I was enjoying so much."

"We had our reasons. You will find out soon enough. Just do this last thing, Jordan, and you can get back to your pathetic back-water life." I didn't like her insulting my life, but the "You'll find out soon enough" worried me more. I was sure I wasn't going to like it, whatever it was. She was right about me wasting time telling her no, of course. There was no hope of escape, so I agreed to fight their little battle.

Lana walked back down from the throne and once again took up her station as cue card girl. I couldn't get over how good she looked in wings. This was going to add new dimensions to our fantasy life. I sat and looked stoic for the cameras and watched St. Peter do his thing on t.v. When he was done processing all 144,000 people that were going to make up the new colony, Lana gave me the thumbs up signal and I started speaking prophetic nonsense once again.

"I have now taken the Chosen to be the right hand of my Father. Have no fear, they go on to a glorious new life with no Earthly concerns." I couldn't help thinking, "Yeah, right. No Earthly concerns. That's because they are going to be far more concerned with the new undeveloped planet that these benevolent aliens are going to drop them on."

I knew at that moment I wasn't going with them. The thinking pile in my brain lit up all of a sudden and started flashing red warning signs in circles around my brain complete with industrial bells and whistles. It's a hard thing to ignore. So I peered a little closer into the pile. I knew nothing about these people except that they ate crappy food and were willing to lie to the population on an entire planet. And here I was helping them pull off the most spectacular lie in history. It was just too weird.

I could never trust someone who was willing to tell lies to an entire race just to make them move in with them. I believe in a more honest sort of living arrangement preferably one with blondes. Thoughts of home tucked safely in my heart, I continued on with this little charade.

Chapter 23 - Jesus Kicks Some Evil Butt!

"Now, my children, judgement is at hand, though I wish it could be otherwise. I had so hoped that you would all follow the call of God, but this has not come to pass.
Because there are those among you who live for evil, I must once again unleash the Angel of Darkness from the Chamber of Eternal fires where he has been chained lo these many years.

"Ye sinners prepare to cower in fear before your master. Satan's minions shall now go forth unto you and cleave his mark unto your forehead, your shame to be witnessed by all. You shall be the army of the damned."

"Once Lucifer has chosen those amongst you with evil deep in your hearts, the great battle for the world shall begin. I shall fight the Evil One to the death and cast him into the Netherworld where he can never again do harm. I will vanquish all evil from among you. I will cast his followers with him into the fiery pits of Hell."

I was really getting into this until I happened to glance at the t.v. monitor and noticed that the pits of Hell were opening up directly beneath my feet and this large fiery demon was crawling out of the ooze, staring at me with a really evil grin. I jumped straight up in the air to avoid him when I realized he wasn't even in the room with me yet. I gathered my wits, which were now completely scattered, pulled my robe around me, mustered my pride, and tried to look as fierce as possible. I stared in the general direction of where Goliath would be standing if he were actually here, while trying to continue reading my lines. Not an easy thing to do. I made a note to keep one eye on the t.v. so that he couldn't surprise me again.

"Look on, ye evil ones, as your master is born again from primordial slime to claim you. Repent now, and you won't have to follow him as I rend him end from end and cast him into the Caverns of Eternal Night. For thou shall have no place to hide when his minions come to mark you. I shall see his mark when I am done, and you shall follow him into the eternal fires of Hell."

Now there were little devils flying all around the big guy as he stood flexing his muscles and sneering at me across the heavens. Too bad L.A. is gone; Goliath could have made a fortune doing movies.

"I leave you now to Satan. When I return, his end will be at hand."

With that final statement, the camera lights went off around me and Lana was kind enough to yell, "Cut!" so I would know what was going on, though everyone else looked at her a little strange. See, I told you she cared about me. I was majorly grateful that they had decided to give me a break before the big fight. I needed to piss something awful and my throat was bone dry and tasted like I had been sucking on a bandage all night. I try never to talk so much without a keg handy.

I took care of the personal things first and then asked Lana for a glass of water. To my amazement, she went and fetched it for me while I relaxed and watched Goliath perform his part in the show. I was thinking to myself, She is damned-near trained already. A few more days and I'll have her waiting on me hand and foot. CNN was talking about all the people who had been visited by demons who touched them and burned the mark of the beast into their forehead, which I have to admit was hard to miss. That giant red 666 covered three quarters of their foreheads. The camera crews kept trying to catch video of the demons in the act of imprinting, but they weren't having much luck until the minions of Satan made it to Washington, D.C.

One of the reporters was doing an interview with with one of those famous Christian senators from down South on what he thought was happening and if this was for real. A demon popped into the picture and touched him on the forehead, leaving the indelible mark of 666 imprinted on him. He ran off camera, screaming. The reporter breathed a sigh of relief, and laughed when he saw how many demons were showing up.
I learned later that the devil nailed most of Congress and pretty much all the lawyers and shrinks in the world. Not that I was surprised. The reporter ended his report with, "We always thought big government was evil, and now we know we were right."

All the red lights on the globe were now blinking off one at a time as the demons did their work. CNN cut to a meeting of the leaders of churches from around the world. They had gathered to discuss what was going on and how they could use it to their advantage. You never saw so many preachers fall to their knees as when those demons popped in over the conference table. It didn't help too many of them.

The ones that were known to preach hate against other religions or different types of people were the ones marked first. When it was all over, the marked ones sat there babbling, with looks of disbelief growing wider on their pasty faces. The ones that had been passed over left quickly, in case the demons changed their minds and came back. All in all, it was very satisfying to see the devil do his work.

I knew it was all a lie and the work of the aliens, but it was kinda nice seeing all those dick heads get what they deserved. It didn't matter who was giving it to them. Knowing they were all going to be turned into fertilizer gave a whole new meaning to the expression, "Shit happens."

It was about this time that Goliath walked in, wearing full demon regalia. Boy, was he scary looking! I wanted his cape for next Halloween. He shook my hand and did a little "May the best man win," talk as he pumped my hand, squeezing it so hard I could feel the bones grinding. I cast a worried look at Lana, thinking, "What does he mean, 'May the best man win?' I get to win! They promised! G.O.D., I hope I get to win, cause if he's for real, I'm toast."

Then Goliath patted me on the head saying, "Just kidding, Small Fry. I'll play nice and let you win, but I have to get in a few licks, just to make it look good.
So kid, let me tell you how this works. After the rest of those people are marked, (and you'll know when that is by the last red light blinking off on the globe), we are going to walk back in front of the cameras so the world can get a good look at us the instant we come back live. I am going to grab you in just a second, and we will hold position until show time.

"You ready kid? It's almost here," he said as he took hold of my shoulders and tilted me off to the side. I was only still standing because he was holding me there. This time, right before the cameras started rolling, Lana was nice enough to count down for me. As I heard those fateful words, "Five, four, three, two, . . . " I tried to put on my fiercest face. It's the one I use just before I get into a bar fight. I am not sure I succeeded through the pain of Goliath's iron grip on my body.

Just as Lana got to one, Goliath went "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you they are going to be playing with the gravity well. So hang on and try not to bump into any walls and when you say 'Lightening,' bolts will shoot from your fingertips. Try and point it at me, okay? We want this to be believable."

I barely got out, "Huh, Gravity?" and "Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" as I went flying through the air towards the throne. It is very undignified to be thrown wearing a dress and alligator boots. I landed gently as the gravity came back up in the room and quickly decided that this might be a good time for lightening bolts, so I pointed my finger at Goliath and shouted, "Take this, you misbegotten son of a universe. I'll see you fry forever in your own eternal wretchedness."

Goliath was right. Lightening shot right out of my finger tips and flew through the air to the flaming Goliath, who seemed to suck it right up as he came running to tackle me again. I tried to move, I really did, but I wasn't near fast enough and all I could do was yell, "Heeeeelp!" as I once again went flying across the room.

This went on for half an hour or so, Goliath throwing my poor abused body across the room and me trying to fry him with lightening bolts. Merlin seemed intent on giving people a good show. I was relieved that none of it really hurt. Well, some of it kinda hurt, but I stood tough and took all the devil could dish out. I didn't get to watch the battle until I saw the replay a couple of weeks later on CNN, when they were complaining about how peaceful the world had become. I must admit I did make a rather dashing Jesus. Nobody ever questioned why Jesus was wearing alligator boots.
After the first half hour of fighting, the angel Lana appeared floating in the clouds. She was asking all the good people left on Earth to pray for Christ in his hour of need and help him vanquish his eternal enemy. People dropped to their knees around the world praying for me to win. I could hear them in my head singing "Go Jesus, Go Jesus." I never had the whole world rooting for me before, I was feeling pretty special.

That must have been what Merlin was waiting for, because all of a sudden Goliath started losing his grip more often and not throwing me near as far as before.
In the end, he was a pitiful little ball of fire, as I closed in on him with constant lightening from my fingertips. When I got close enough, he whispered to me to grab him and cast him into the pit of Hell. I had to catch a quick glimpse of the screen to find out where the pits of hell were located at this moment. Then I took hold of Goliath, just as I felt the gravity let go, and I picked him up and threw him as hard as I could onto where I thought the pit was on the floor.

I could see him laying there right in front of me on the floor, but the t.v. screen showed him sliding into the depths. I was led back to my throne by the many angels who had flocked about me to tell me what to do next. Lana was waiting with the cue cards in front of me by the time I caught my breath. Turning to my followers, I spoke unto the masses. I was starting to get used to this flowery sort of talk.

"Satan has been vanquished, and now it is time for all those marked with evil to follow him to his end. Prepare yourselves, unbelievers and sinners. No matter where you're hiding, the eyes of the Father can see you. There is no escape. Away with you Cursed Ones, into the eternal fires prepared for the devil and his demons."
With that, all the red lights on the globe started blinking off and on real fast. The big t.v. showed people falling into the pit where I had just thrown Goliath . . . er, Satan. It was scary looking, even for me, and I knew it was fake. I can imagine what the people on Earth who were watching thought.

It was pretty amusing to see all those famous politicians and government leaders falling into Hell, screaming, "No, no! I didn't know it was a sin. Give me another chance, pleeeeeease!" The scene reminded me of a Drano commercial or maybe the scrubbing bubbles one.

I knew this was only a holy-gram for the benefit of all the people left on Earth, but I couldn't help cringing at the thought of people spending eternity in boiling oil and fire. Then I remembered what Merlin said was really going to happen to them, and I felt a little better. Okay, so being turned into fertilizer wasn't much better, but it sounded less painful in the long run. I was pretty sure the aliens would do it in the most painless way possible. They seemed to be a pretty decent and compassionate species, except for their obsessive need to control the universe.
Watching all the sinners being whisked away to the replicaters made me start thinking about how bad the soil on my place was. All the topsoil in Oklahoma had been blowing to Texas and Kansas for years. I really hoped the aliens would drop some of the fertilizer on my fields, as long as they didn't dump a load on the house. My roof was in pretty bad shape and probably wouldn't hold up to a ton of "Evil People Field Rejuvenater" dumped on it.

I was getting wrapped up in watching the show again, so Lana started stabbing the cue card with her pretty little finger to get my attention. I had a bit more fancy talking to do.

"Now all has come to pass, my children. It is as it has been foretold. For the next thousand years, there shall be Paradise on Earth. Love one another and cherish your brothers, spreading kindness and benevolence amongst you. My father has decided that you, his followers, need to be able to communicate directly with him to avoid all the trouble caused during the last 2000 years by churches and man. To this end we have instituted the Holy Ghost Network. Please send your prayers, requests and concerns to G.O.D.com. Within the Holy Ghost network you will also find answers to all those questions you have always wondered about. No more arguing theology and wondering what G.O.D. wants. Now he will tell you."

"My time here is at an end but I shall leave you one last gift. I will now walk among you to dispense blessings across the world and grant special grace upon those I touch." Since I'm not a real good reader, I was concentrating on getting the words right, and this last part didn't really sink in as I was saying it. What happened next made it all too clear.

Chapter 24 - "Pop" Goes The Jesus

It was when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of Times Square in New York City that I realized what I had just said. I only knew it was Times Square because of all the times I watched that stupid ball fall down on New Year's Eve. I always wanted to do New York some day, if only just to see that Dick Clark up close.
Now that I had learned about the aliens and all, I was pretty sure he must be one of them. It's not natural for a human to look like that at his age. Have you noticed how his eyes keep getting bigger the older he gets? And no wrinkles - definitely an alien or maybe Botox.

Back to my problem. I thought at first that this was just another holy-graph, and that my fun-loving Lana was playing games. She gets bored so easily. That was until this group of people down the street all started screaming, "Jesus, Jesus!!" and running right at me. I did the only thing I could think of. I turned around and ran like hell. Right into the mob coming at me from the other direction.
I did end up fulfilling one of the prophecies, though. I touched a few of them with my right hand while they were trying to pick me up off the street where they had knocked me down. Just as I was squeezed between the two groups and thought someone was sure to rip off my robe, I opened my eyes and I was in the desert.
The sand was really hot and I instantly started sweating like a pig. It got worse when the only person in sight, a little boy tending a bunch of goats started yelling, "Allah! Allah!" and people started pouring out of the tents scattered around on the hot sand. I only had time to think, "Here we go again," before they reached me and started pawing me all over.

Normally I would have liked the women doing this, but have you ever smelled goat herders? They made my robe smell sweet as wild flowers after a brisk Oklahoma thunderstorm. I had time to wonder how they knew what was going on in the world when I spotted the satellite dish standing behind the largest tent, just before I blinked out again. I guess being the head goat herder had its advantages, but I couldn't see how that could make up for the smell or the heat.

This time I landed in London. I knew this because I could see that big old clock they show in all the movies when they want you to know that's where it's taking place, Big Sam or something like that. Then I heard what I really didn't want to hear. A voice came from behind me in the fog.

"Blimey . . . isn't that Jesus Christ? Jolly good show, old man. Spot-on! Care for a cup of tea and some scones while you=re here?"

I probably don't have to tell you what happened next.

Well, after two or three more of these little pop-arounds, I decided I might as well get into the part and enjoy myself. So, by the time I showed up at Kelly's Bar and Grill, I was in full Jesus mode. Since I knew the guys would be there, (they're always there . . . even the end of the world wouldn't tear them off those bar stools), as soon as I realized that's where I was, I puffed out my chest, raised my arms, and got ready to pour on the Jesus dialogue. Unfortunately, no one was looking my way.

All of the guys were on their usual stools, facing the t.v. behind the bar. Even Cathy and Eileen, the waitresses, were leaning on the bar watching all the excitement being broadcast.

Cathy was one of the best things about going to Kelly's. At least she was once she started slamming a few beers back with us guys. After eight or nine Coors, Cathy didn't give a damn who she entertained. And man, could she entertain! After stripping on top of the pool table, she would make the rounds of everyone's laps, calling them "Daddy" and asking to be spanked for being so bad.

Eileen was a little more particular. She wouldn't sit on everyone's lap, and rarely took her clothes off in front of more than one person at a time. She usually just asked one of the younger guys to help her get a keg out of the back room. Didn't she know we all noticed she always came back without the keg, but with a smile?

I stood and watched them all for a minute, as I really enjoyed the view of the girls' butts as they leaned on the bar and watched t.v. Then decided I better start doing my Jesus thing before I got popped out.

"Children," I started in my most humble and loving Christ voice. "It is now your turn to receive the blessings of God."

This got absolutely no reaction, and everyone lifted their beers in unison and took a drink. I decided I better be a little more forceful.

"Ahem! Lambs!" Still no reaction.
I was getting pissed when Kelly yelled, "Hey! Jesus is in stereo! I can hear him on t.v. and right behind me at the same time."

I thought for sure this would make them turn around, but I should have known better. These guys had sat in the same position on those stools for so long that there were permanent butt marks in the wooden seats. Just as I was about to scream at them, Eileen seemed to focus a little and noticed something pretty obvious.

"Hey! That place looks just like the inside of Kelly's," she cried as she pointed at the t.v. I think that was when everyone noticed that the Eileen on the screen was pointing, too.

"Shit!" said Kelly. "I don't want to turn around. One of you guys look."
Everyone seemed to talk at once, yelling things like, "I'm not looking. Do you think I want Jesus to see me drunk? What if he's here to send us to Hell?"

"Hey I know," someone whispered, "Let's get Mikey. He'll look at anything. Remember in the fifth grade when he peeked through the window to see Fatty Waller mother naked and she must have weighed 400 pounds?"

"No, he can't do it he's in prison for peeping, remember?" Kelly whispered back while trying to look at me without moving his head.

As everyone slowly shut up, Billy Clyde muttered, "Maybe if we don't look at him, he'll go away." That was when I knew I had to start with him.

In the most commanding voice I could summon, I shouted, "Billy Clyde Johnson, come here," as I raised my hand, pointing my finger directly at him.

I guess he was sober enough to remember what happened when I pointed that finger at Satan. Man, you should have seen him pissing his pants. He was my friend, but I couldn't resist. The other guys didn't even snicker. Guess they were afraid to draw Christ's attention toward themselves. Billy Clyde got a glazed looked in his eyes and started walking toward me with his knees knocking.

"Uh . . . Jesus . . . er . . . Mr. Christ . . . what do you want with me?"

"You are one of the chosen ones, my son. Come here and let me lay my hands on you. You will become blessed with the special grace of the Father." You have no idea how hard it was to keep a straight face while I watched him sniveling, trying very hard to make it look like he was walking toward me without taking a single step.

"Um . . . uh . . . what does that mean?" he muttered, as he pulled on the front of his pants to get the wet cloth off his skin.

"It means, my child, that you will spend eternity moving among my flock and teaching them the laws of my father. You will be an example to all those you meet. You will never again be able to break any of the Laws. For this service to the Lord, you shall be immortal."

"What laws are you talking about? Oklahoma laws?"

As this was going on, Billy Clyde was squirming in place, still trying to look like he was getting closer, and I noticed Johnny Ray and Bubba Dean trying to disappear out the front door.

"Stop there!" I cried, pointing in their direction.

"You two shall become the apostles of Billy Clyde."
I could see the blood drain out of their faces, which is pretty amazing since both of them had permanent blood-shot eyes from the large amounts of beer they had put away at Kelly's over the years. They did stand still, though, and I almost choked holding back the laughter.

Turning back to Billy Clyde, I bellowed, "No, my son. THE Laws. The Ten Commandments. From the moment I touch you, you will no longer be able to drink, swear, cheat, steal, or any of the other things God commands you not to do."
With that, all three of my best friends ran screaming out the front door of Kelly's and into their pick-ups. I could hear Bubba Dean yelling, "Who the hell wants to live forever if you can=t have any fun?"

As they were trying to start their trucks and drive like hell away from salvation, some of those little demon guys popped over their trucks and started flying around, banging into the windshield and grinning viciously. I think all three of the guys fainted, because they never did leave the parking lot, and the little demons disappeared after blowing raspberries back toward the bar and giggling. Their giggles sounded an awful lot like those Nymphs and Fairies back on the island.

I made a note in my thinking pile to thank Merlin and the Gang for allowing me to have this much fun after all the hard labor they had commanded of me. The only thing that would have been better than torturing my friends was Lana finally giving in to her desires for me.

I thought it should be time to disappear again, but apparently whoever was up there letting me have all this fun had decided the fun wasn't over yet. That was when Harley, the town bad-ass, walked up to me. I almost flinched, cause Harley had pretty much beaten up everyone in town at one time or another, including me. Then I remembered I was Jesus Christ.

"Uh . . . Jesus?"

"Yes, my wayward Lamb?"

"I'd like the job, if that"s okay with you."

"You?" I almost swallowed my tongue before I remembered that I was supposed to be a returning messiah who loved everyone. "Er . . . well, why? You must state what's in your heart for all to hear, my son."

"Well, Mr. Jesus, Sir, I have been trying to be a better person for five years now, but nobody will let me. All the folks here abouts won't give me a chance. I know now that burning down the flour mill and getting them Bradley triplets pregnant when they were only fourteen was probably not the best way to get ahead in the world, but I have changed. I only beat someone up now when they don't give me any choice. A man can only take so much talk before he has to take matters into his own hands, right? And I would be willing to stop stealing if someone would just give me a job. I would be willing to give up the evils of drink and find me a girl to marry and never lie or steal or nothing if you just give me the chance. Please Mister Jesus, I promise I'd do you proud."

At the end of his little speech he fell to his knees, grabbed my leg, and begged and sobbed quietly. Ain't being God fun? I had always wanted to reduce Harley to tears since he had done the same to me after school so many times.

"You realize, Harley, that not only would you have to give up all your evil ways, but if you violate your oath to God, then your claim on immortality would be gone forever and when you die an old and broken man, you would go straight to Hell to burn in its fire for eternity."

"No problem. Just make me your Apostle here in front of everybody and I will do only good for the rest of my long life. I swear on my last beer. Or I can slit my wrist and give you the Indian Blood brother oath if you want. Your choice Mr. Jesus. I will do anything!"

"I think we will stick to you swearing on your last beer, Harley. Kelly doesn't want blood all over the bar and my father gave up blood sacrifices millennia ago." I figured that would be a strong enough oath since it really would be his absolute last beer that he was swearing on.

I was attempting to think up some suitably flowery speech to induct Harley into God's Hall of Fame when Eileen walked up to Harley's side and took his shaking hand.
She looked at me and said, "Mr. Jesus, Sir, iffin it's okay with Harley, I'd like to be his wife and help him do God's work for the rest of my life. I've loved him forever, and he's always begged me to marry him, but I told him he had to change his ways before I'd even consider it. Looks like he's changed his ways, now."

"God always smiles on love, my daughter, but you have to understand what this means. If you do this, you will have to follow all the same commandments and laws that Harley is sworn to. No more drinking, carousing, and definitely no more asking men to move beer kegs. Except for Harley, of course."

This seemed to really cinch me as Jesus for Eileen, cause she started crying and saying, "I'm sorry, Jesus. Tell God I didn't know he was watching."

"I will, my child, and as long as you change your ways, all will be forgiven." Now she was down on her knees next to Harley, sobbing and hanging onto my other leg.

This was getting ridiculous.

I looked down at Harley and asked if he wished to marry Eileen. His eyes lit up and he shook his head up and down, too emotional for words, I guess.

"Well, then let's have us a wedding," I thought. I had to do it, even if I didn't personally think either of them had a chance in Hell of making it for longer than a week. So I laid my hands upon their head and gave them my best speech yet.

"Blessed are those who have fed upon my Lambs and find their way back to me, their hunger slaked and their hearts willing once again to follow the proper path. Arise and go forth as Children of God, Blessed of the Savior. Preach God's good word and deliver those you can from evil. Go forth and do only good, be kind and patient, speak only in riddles and bring happiness to those around you.

Remember my son, judge not lest you be judged and start upon your path to grace by going over to the Hunter residence and cleaning up the mess the tornado left there. Be not surprised that no one is home. Just go about your work in secret and make sure you do a good job. I now pronounce you Apostle and Wife."

Harley didn't even seem to notice this last part. He had focused on the one thing in my pretty speech that I didn't want him to question.

"Jordan Hunter's place? Christ, do you know how long it would take to clean up all the messes left by that slob? Oops, sorry"

"It is a test of your willingness to obey God. We will be watching"

"I'll help you Harley," piped in Eileen. "I love house cleaning. I can get a couple of the girls to help."

Harley and Eileen turned toward the door and shuffled out, Harley mumbling something under his breath about "Hunter slobs." My friends in the sky must have been watching, cause right about then a loud thunderclap sounded and lightening bolts pelted the parking lot, making Harley squeal and jump about three feet off the ground.

"Yes, God . . . anything you say God . . .," Harley started whispering.
A bright glow appeared to be surrounding his head as he walked out the door. The rest of the regulars just watched with their mouths wide open and beer dribbling down on their overalls.

I looked around the bar, thinking maybe I had time to order a quick beer and maybe a burger, when I blinked out again. After a few more brief appearances as the Holy Son, I finally found myself back in Charon. I was ready for my pat on the back for doing such a good job after they tricked me. And Lana fawning all over me would be nice too. As usual, I was a little disappointed.

Chapter 25- Old Angzine

Chapter 25

They had beamed me directly into the studio room where the show had started. But now it was just an empty room, all the cool equipment was gone and the only people in there were a bunch of lackies cleaning up. Not a single person even looked in my direction when I popped in. This made me a little snippy, after all I had just performed the most important job in this whole escapade. Didn't I deserve a little respect.

"Hey everyone! I'm back." I yelled out. "I've fulfilled my role as the Savior of Mankind. How about a little, "'Nice job?'"

Of course, Lana chose that moment to walk in and show me just how proud she was of me. "Get that disgusting robe off and put your clothes back on. We are getting ready to leave and I'll be damned if I am going to get stuck with you on this trip. She said snidely before walking over to one of the few machines left in the room."

You'd think by now she would have dropped this cold bitch act and showed her true feelings for me. I decided there was no point in saying this and went to change my clothes. When I came back into the room, the workmen were gone and Lana was still working at the computer. She was so cute when she was working. I really wanted the chance to see her doing something besides working. Like bathing for instance.
"Jordan, go up to the main dining hall."

"You mean I get to eat?" I started to smile, but then remembered what they told me about how that food here was created.

"Uh . . . no thanks, I'm not hungry."

"Come on, Jordan, this is real food. She said finally smiling. We had it transported up here just for you. We have to have the Last Supper."

I told you she really did love me. She knew that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach and this was the only way she could show me how she felt. I smiled and jumped over to where she was standing grabbed her up in my arms and gave her a huge hug. Then I gave her a quick kiss and let her go. Quickly running up the hallway toward the dining room, before she had a chance to slap me. Hoping the whole time that they would have peanut butter and green olives. On the way, I reviewed the events of the past three days, wondering how I was going to tell everybody I wouldn't be going with them.

I knew it would break their hearts and it would be tough for them to carry on without me, but I just wasn't cut out for colony life. I missed my porch, my beer, and my dog. I also needed to get back and make sure Betty Sue was okay. She missed me when I was away too long. And after being on earth again doing Jesus I realized that I really like being able to go outside without a space suit. There was no guarantee that the aliens would even be able to find another planet with air on it. They might wind up floating for a thousand years inside this hollow moon, What a drag that would be. Also I had to think of Cali's feelings, he wasn't like real well here and I couldn't bear the thought of giving him up .

Lost in my thinking pile, I failed to notice all the people and decorations in the dining room when I walked through the door. It was only when I heard a loud, "Surprise!" that I jumped, almost peeing my pants this time. This whole experience had made me a little nervous and jerky. Lana and Amy came to me one on each side and they both wrapped their arms around me and started kissing my face. This made everything I had gone through worth it, and my body started responding in the usual way. Just when I was about to suggest we go to a private room, they broke away from me and everyone started clapping and singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

"Is this all for me?" I asked Lana.

"For all of us, Jordan. It's a Rap-sure party. But you are the guest of honor."

At first, all this hullabaloo embarrassed me a little, but then I spotted the line of beer kegs against the wall, and all I could think of was the taste of a cold beer going down my throat. My Lana had thought of everything. There was more beer and food in that dining room than I had ever seen in my life, and I intended to eat, drink, and be merry for as long as humanly possible. From what I can remember, I did a pretty good job. A lot of the party is a pretty foggy, but I do remember Goliath and Amy getting into some hot and heavy sex in the corner of the room, and Merlin entertained us with some mighty good tales.

I remembered to ask Merlin about keeping the space plane at one point, (I waited until he was good and drunk, of course.), but he shook both his heads. I told you I had drunk a lot of beer. Everyone had two heads by that point. He told me that the plane would be needed on the colony world to help ferry supplies. Merlin did offer to let me be official pilot, if I was willing to go with them. I shook my head and told him I would just make do with Betty.

I wanted to stay in the civilized world where there was indoor plumbing and central heat & air, not to mention alcohol that I didn't have to make myself. There was no way I was going to eat replicated food until they had the farms up and running.
Lana came and sat with me at one point, telling me she wished I was going with them. She even said that she would miss me. I had known all along how she felt, but it was nice to hear it from her. I asked her to marry me and stay on Earth, but she said she couldn't. She wanted the excitement of building a new world. The last thing I remember about my time on board the alien mothership was when she kissed me. It was a real kiss; she held me tight and told me how wonderful I was and that she hoped someday I would find a woman on Earth worthy of me. I got all choked up and my eyes started misting. I clung tighter to her as the ship faded away, along with my consciousness.

Chapter 26 - There's No Place Like Home

I woke up on Tuesday, lying in my own bed with Digger licking my face, dog slobber running down my chin. What a glorious feeling. I was so happy Digger had survived. I ran downstairs and out onto the porch to see what the property looked like. Last time I had seen it was from the top of a tornado, and I was finding it hard believe it had suffered so little damage. I ran like a crazy man around to the back of the house in my underwear, making sure Betty was okay. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I saw her sitting right where I had left her. My bright shiny plane was waiting for me to take her and fly off into the clouds.

I ran back into the house, because it was only thirty-five degrees out and I was freezing my balls off, and jumped into a hot shower. It was heaven, after three days of craziness. I closed my eyes and let the water stream over my body, easing all those sore spots I had acquired during my adventure. I was wondering where they all were right now and how long it would take them to find another habitable world, still happy that I had stayed right here. It wasn't until I was shutting off the shower that I was awake and coherent enough to really notice my surroundings.
The faucets were sparkling shiny silver, and for a moment I wondered if maybe I was in the wrong house, (which would be really embarrassing) because my faucet handles had always been covered with a bumpy white crust. I glanced around the rest of the bathroom and noticed that the floor and shower tile were all white. I had thought the floor was brown all my life, and the shower tile had always been green. This was starting to scare me, until I remembered Harley was told to clean the house.

I guess he was serious in his wanting to be a servant of G.O.D., because after I got out of the bathroom, I had time to look around. My whole house looked better than it ever had before. The floors were clean. All the dishes were washed and put up in cabinets that didn't have dust bunnies the size of small poodles on and under them. This was great, a fair trade after all for the crap they put me through. I thought I might just have to hire Harley permanently. I never knew he had a maid's touch.

I had planned on wearing the clothes and leather duster that I picked up on the mother-ship, but they were nowhere to be found. Sitting folded on a chair next to my bed were the clothes I had started this whole adventure in, three days ago, with a note on top. I never could quite understand how they came back to me. They now looked brand new. There were no holes and no smells; they were perfect in every way. My ticket to heaven was still in the back pocket, perfect in every way. It must have been an act of G.O.D, I smiled at the thought. But I couldn't believe he went to all the trouble to claim them from the depths of space where I had sent them. "Oh well, they were as good as anything," I figured, and pulled them on, then stopped to read the note.

It was wasn't much, a quick goodbye from all my favorite aliens and a cryptic comment written in fancy gold ink, about when I decide I want something more from life, that I should click my heels three times while holding Cali and chanting it's time to go home. I didn't get it, I was already in the only home I wanted. Oh well, I thought maybe I will be bored enough to try it sometime just to see what happens as I tossed the note on the bed and continued getting myself ready to go visit Kelly and the boys down at the bar. Wouldn't they be surprised when they found out I was Christ?


I went back into the bathroom, I needed to slick down my cowlick and brush the fuzz off my tongue. I had just stuck a monster gob of toothpaste in my mouth , the kind that bubbles when Digger started growling in the bedroom. I ignored it until this sharp voice came into my mind saying, "Master if you don't remove this mongrel mutt of yours from my esteemed presence, I will have to run him through. Dropping my toothbrush and spewing toothpaste across the floor I ran into the bedroom.

I had forgotten all about Excalibur, how I can't imagine, but there he was propped up in the corner of my room, vibrating to a music all his own. I quickly grabbed Digger and dragged him out of the room so that he would quit trying to eat the sword. I had a feeling the sword would win. Locking him outside I ran back into the room and sat down on the bed. I wasn't ready for any more excitement yet. "What happened Cali, Why did Digger start barking at you."

"Nothing happened Master, I was merely whistleing to myself when your filthy beast came in and started to attack me."

"I didn't hear you whistling Cali,"

"Well it was a very high pitched whistle my lord above the range for human ears."

"If I can't hear it I don't suppose Digger could either but don't do it anymore just in case, You two have to learn to love one another. "

"Me, Love a mangy mutt who files his pedigree papers at the dog pound, I think Not."

"Just do it Cali, You promised you would obey me and I don't have time for this today I have to go see the boys."

"Yes master, I won't torment the creature but I won't love him either."

"Whatever Cali, just play nice. I want everything to stay alive around here."

"You are not going to be any fun at all are you. I figured you were one of those american frontier types from the clothes you had on in the ship. I had always heard that you American had turned into blood thirsty outlaws, killing each other in the streets."

"That's only in the cities Cali out here we just drink beer and try to play with the women."

"Damn, thwarted again, Oh Well, Who are these boys you are going to go see maybe one of them will offend you and I will have to kill him, that would make me feel so much better."

A half formed vision of me unsuccessfully trying to explain a magic sword that talked to my friends left me sweating bullets. I could see them laughing and Cali screaming out war cries. I decided Cali should be left at home.

He started begging as soon as I touched him promising to be good and telling me he was only joking about killing my friends, but I didn't let his pleas deter me from my mission and in no time at all he was locked inside Granny's old steamer trunk and his cries were down to a soft muffle I could ignore for the moment. Then he popped directly into my mind with a very curt, "That was not very polite master! I just wanted to play.I am very bored." before settling down and being quiet.

I breathed a sigh of relief, All I wanted was to get down to the bar and have a drink or three. Maybe I would show the boys Cali later, after he was more in my control. I was beginning to understand why he annoyed Merlin so much. I went back to the bathroom to retrieve my toothbrush, which of course had landed in the toilet. Thank G.O.D. it was a clean toilet so I could still use it. I finished my teeth and slicked the cowlick one last time for luck and headed out into the world.

When I walked back out onto the porch, my eyes nearly fell out of my head. The yard was clean. All five acres of it. I don't think I had ever seen our family yard without three or four rusting vehicles around the house. I would kind of miss them, as they were my jungle gym when I was growing up. Even the pile of broken vacuum cleaners that used to sit on the porch was gone.

I walked down the steps of the porch, noticing that they weren't broken through and warped. It would take a while to get used to walking on them without having to avoid the holes. My yard looked like something out of one of them gardening magazines.

The lawn had been mowed, and even the edges around the fence had been trimmed. I slowly turned around, meaning to head to the side of the house and get into my old reliable '74 Ford pickup, when I was stopped cold. The whole house had been painted the most beautiful blue you can imagine. There were even new shutters on all the windows, and there hadn't been any of those on the house since the tornado of 43, according to Grandpa. I was beginning to think I might have napped a little longer than I thought.

I stood and gawked at the house for a while and then decided I just HAD to get to Kelly's. I wanted the guys to see what you get for helping G.O.D.. I was just rounding the corner of the house when I heard whistling coming from the direction of my pickup. Looking up, I saw Harley finishing up a wax job on my old truck, except I wasn't sure it was ole Whitey. It had a shiny new paint job, and someone had patched all the holes in the fenders.

"Hi, Jordan! Well, what do you think? Looks pretty spiffy, don't she?"

"She looks beautiful, Harley, but did you do all this? How long did it take? Did you do it all yourself?" As I rattled questions at him, he hung his head down kind of doggedly and looked shy. This was a very strange sight to see on the county bully. It gave me a moment to notice the tee shirt he had on. In the middle of Harley's chest was a picture of an angel beating a man to death, which in itself wasn't that strange for Harley. The angel doing the beating, however, not only had wings and a halo over his head, but had Harley's face. I was about to ask him about it when he turned back to Whitey and started buffing the last spot of wax off. Now I could read the back of his shirt and the front made a little more sense . . . I think. The back of the tee shirt said, "I USED TO BE A BULLY. NOW I'M G.O.D.'S BULLY."

"Well, Jordan," he said turning back to me, "I'd like to take all the credit, and I probably would have in my old life. I'm one of G.O.D.'s soldiers now, though, so I can't lie. The guys down at Kelly's gave me some help.

"You're kidding. Those guys? They barely have the energy or ambition to got off the bar stools to take a piss. If Kelly would let them, they'd just pee in their empty bottles and line them up on the bar."

"Well, they weren't real anxious to help, but I persuaded them. Amazing how well my talents can be used for G.O.D.'s work"

This made me a little worried about the guys. They were lazy, but they were my friends. I was hoping Harley hadn't hurt them too badly. Besides, if the guys were out of commission, who was I going to tell my story to? What good is being Christ and saving the world if you can=t brag to your friends about it?

"Er....Harley? What talents are you talking about?" I knew Harley's one and only talent was for beating other people into submission and breaking bones.
Harley kind of chuckled that chilling chuckle of his and turned around to face me.

"They're okay, Jordan. I didn't hurt them . . . too much. Actually, they didn't need too much persuasion after seeing Christ anoint me into G.O.D.'s army. He did, you know, Jordan. I wish you could have seen it. It was beautiful. Christ even married me and Eileen. I have loved her forever and you should see all the nice things people keep bringing to our house since G.O.D. touched me. This being a good guy is okay."

Boy, did I want to tell Harley that I had been there. Right there. But, I wanted my friends to be the first to hear my tale. Besides, if Harley found out Christ was just me, he might undo all the nice things he had done to my house and car. Not to mention roughing me up a bit. I wasn't taking any chances and decided maybe I ought to get going before I let something slip. Grandma always said I lacked a stop sign between my brain and my mouth. Another woman who hid her feelings for me.

"Um...I'm sure it was, Harley. Are you finished with Whitey? I need to get into town. Do you need a lift? I didn't see your motorcycle anywhere."

"Oh. Yeah, I'm done. Thanks for the offer, but the bike's in the barn. I'm not ready to leave, anyway. I still have to finish roofing the back portion of the house. I finished the front, but decided I better get the truck done before you wanted it. I figured you'd be wanting to go to town when you woke up."

"Thanks, Harley," I muttered jumping into Whitey and flipping the key. She purred like a brand new truck. He must have rebuilt the engine, too, cause all those banging and popping noises I had been so fond of were gone. As I backed up, I heard Harley yell to me, "Don't thank me, Jordan. Just doing G.O.D.'s work, as we all should."

Chapter 27 - Pass the Armageddon Applesauce Please

As I drove down the road toward town, I decided it might be fun to turn on the radio and see what the world had to say about the Rapture. Harley must have installed a new antenna, too, because the radio sounded better than ever. Of course, it might have been because all the crap that used to be floating in the air waves, like military nonsense, was no longer there. I hit my favorite country station just in time to catch the hourly news report.

"Reports from around the globe all say pretty much the same thing today. People everywhere have stopped going to work and are spending their time doing good deeds. Everyone seems to be pooling their resources and taking care of each other. Some people are beginning to worry that this may be the end of civilization as we know it. With all the brotherly love evident, there will be no more need for governments and other institutions. Some of the brightest minds of each country will be meeting next week to help lay plans for the near future and to discuss the best way for all of what's left of Mankind to band together in peace and follow the directives left by G.O.D..

There are still some isolated factions who refuse to believe the Rapture has occurred and that it was all some plot by the European Common Market to diffuse all governments and take over the world. And there are those religious leaders who claim that this was not the real rapture or they and their followers would be taken. The Jews of the world have however recanted their long standing disbelief of Christ as the messiah. They claim that if G.O.D. had been a little clearer 2000 years ago the mistake wouldn't have been made."

This really made me chuckle. If they only knew who was really behind it, they would all be at each other's throats again. Even though Merlin had said only the really good ones were left behind, I personally found it hard to believe that all the sheisters of the world were gone. I figured they were just lying low until they could figure out a way to make a profit.

The news reporter continued in a bored monotone. "Computers around the world are having trouble keeping up with the mass of information being downloaded from somewhere out in space. One can only assume it's coming from Heaven. Cures for every major disease have been verified, including AIDS and cancer. The technological information and schematics for space rocket, engines, environmental cleaning apparatus, and other advanced machinery are astounding.

Unconfirmed, are rumors that the data necessary to build anti-gravity machines and perform instantaneous breast enlargement surgery, without side effects, is also available."

This last piece of information made me sure that Merlin had one hell of a sense of humor and that he was sending me a final goodbye gift.

"Turning to the weather, it is, of course, perfect. The downpours of brown dirt that were reported around the globe yesterday have finally ceased and the forecast for the rest of the week is clear and sunny. We now have confirmed reports that the falling dirt was actually grade "A" manure blended perfectly with top soil. The mix has proven to be sterilized and weed free. Scientists have yet to find an explanation, but farmers around the world are joyous at the chance of starting out with a clean slate. "

I wasn't hearing anything I didn't already know, so I decided to flip around the stations and try to find some good tunes. It seemed like forever since I'd heard some Hank Williams or Kenny, twanging at my heart strings. Hearing a bit of Patsy, my all-time favorite, would have been pure heaven. As I pushed buttons from station to station, all I could find were hymns and gospel music. Maybe some things about this thousand years of peace weren't going to be so great. At least I would be able to hear some good music on the jukebox when I got to the bar.

I had just turned the corner into the side road that led to Kelly's parking when I saw it. My mouth dropped and I closed my eyes, hoping it was a dream. Unfortunately, Harley hadn't made Whitey drive on autopilot, so I almost ran into two work men carrying the large wooden sign before I opened my eyes. They scurried out of my way as I was putting the pick-up into park, but not before I could read the sign.

"HARLEY'S GRILL AND TABERNACLE" was painted in large purple letters, with "Where You Never Have to Pray on an Empty Stomach" in smaller letters below it. The smaller letters also had little silver circles over lights hanging over the lettering. I'll bet that's real bright at night. There were people everywhere, all looking like they had important things to do. Carpenters were building something right outside the front door, and two men were up on the roof, directing the installation of a large red neon cross. Manchester hadn't had this many people visit since the Oklahoma Land Run.

The flashing neon beer signs that had been my beacon on so many hot afternoons were missing from the front window. Even the Bud Frog was gone. (He is, uh, was, my favorite). Now the windows were covered with butcher paper. With "Opening Soon" painted on the paper, along with "Under G.O.D.'s Management." Someone had done a rough sketch of Harley on one of them, complete with halo and wings. I stood there and gaped at the window still trying to figure out what was going on, until I noticed my old friends sitting under the tree beside the bar. They were all looking pretty down in the mouth and seemed to be discussing something important. I wanted to know just what the hell was going on around here and they were closest, So I walked over to them, I needed information and time to steel myself for what I might find inside my favorite haunt.

Billy Clyde looked up as I approached and got that mean, I want to fight, look on his face as he spotted me.

"Where the hell have you been, Jordan? You weren't here to help us and now look what's happened. There's not a place for a hundred miles that sells beer anymore. How's a guy supposed to make it through the day without even one little bitty beer? Harley says he'll be serving consecrated wine, but only with communion and you're only allowed to take communion twice a day. He better get bigger glasses for that wine than them thimbles they used to use over at St. Jerome's."

I knew, of course, what had happened to Harley, but I was worried about Kelly. He said once he would never give up the bar. Why, he'd left his wife fourteen years ago, rather than give up the bar and us guys.

"Where's Kelly?" I asked my heart pounding under my shirt. "Has something happened to him?"

This time it was Bubba Dean who groaned and answered. It seemed Billy Clyde had used up all his available energy in his little speech to me.

"He went back to his wife and kids. Can you imagine? Why would a guy give up the high life to return to a battle axe like Edith? He just gave the bar to Harley and walked out."

"Well, what was he going to do with it without beer to sell?" piped in Johnny Ray.

Then they were all silent once again, sitting there with their heads hanging down, like beaten puppy dogs. I didn't think this was the appropriate time to mention the good time I had over the last three days. Or the fact that I was responsible for them losing their bar. Even I can't kick a puppy when it's down, and besides they would have killed me once they found out it was all my fault. I decided to go inside and see if there was anyone in there who could explain this "Grill and Tabernacle" business to me. I also hadn't forgotten my desire to hear a little C & W, and I was looking forward to dropping my quarter in the slot.

I entered the bar, only to be more shocked than when I saw the outside. The whole place had been gutted. The bar, the tables and chairs, and even the pool table, were all gone. The large mirror on the wall behind where the bar used to be had been replaced by a huge wooden cross and some workmen were busy installing what looked like pews, but they had funny little fold-down tables attached to them. They reminded me of my old school desks.. I spotted Eileen talking to a guy in front of what looked like a pulpit and started to walk over to her, until I spotted the only thing that looked familiar. The beloved juke box was still in its usual spot.
I rushed over to my music machine, as I tried to pull a quarter out of those tight jeans I was wearing. Fighting with my pocket, I, of course, tripped and hit the juke box with my forehead as I landed on it. It was okay, as the juke box had withstood far worse on many Friday nights. Not to mention that my head had enough abuse in the last three days to make it invulnerable to anything as weak as glass. This didn't even warrant a, "Damn! That hurts!"

I anxiously dropped my money in the slot and started to push B11. I knew every record on this baby by heart, along with exactly what numbers to push to play my faves. B11 had always been "Crazy," even after Kelly had the records updated back in 98. I don't know what made me look, but for some reason I did. B11 was now "Amazing Grace" by George Jones. I quickly scanned the rest of the selections, only to find everything was now gospel music. The closest thing to anything I would even think about listening to was some very early Amy Grant stuff.

This was too much and I threw my arms around the juke box, laid my head upon it's cool metal housing, and began to sob. My whole world was gone; my bar, my waitresses, my beer, and even Patsy. I wanted to go back and undo everything. I know peace and love are good things, but the G.O.D.s drank beer and listened to real music. Why can't I?

I had only shed a few tears when I felt someone patting my shoulder and heard Eileen's voice by my ear.

"Jordan, my child. What's the matter?"

I stood up, wiped my nose on my shirt sleeve, and faced Eileen. She had what most people would call a serene smile on her face. It reminded me of that look people get when they have been bucked off a horse too many times and are still eager to get back on and do it again. I wasn't in the mood for serene, I wanted to kill something.

"Eileen, I am not your child," I said roughly, "although I know you've always had a hankering to nurse me. Would you please tell me what in tarnation is going on here? I just wanted to hear some good ole fashioned music, but someone has taken all the good stuff off the juke box and replaced it with holy roller tunes."

She kept staring at me with that vacant look, smiling that stupid smile and told me her tale, most of which I already knew.

"Well, Jordan, you missed the most amazing things. Jesus, praise be his name, came and made Harley an Apostle of G.O.D. and married me and Harley. I was never so happy in my whole life. The governor even called us and told Harley that he would get a marriage certificate sent out right away so we wouldn't get in any trouble with taxes and all that. He said that having Jesus, praise be his name, marry you on live t.v. was good enough for him."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm happy for you. But what the hell does that have to do with the bar?"

"Well, after Christ, praise be his name, left, Kelly ran out after me and Harley. He said he had decided to go back to Edith and the kids and Harley could have the bar to do whatever he wanted with. He handed us the keys, jumped into to his truck, and sped off down the road toward Texas. He could have at least paid the four months back due electric bill. Harley called the electric company and said they'd let it slide until after the first luncheon service and collection. Since Harley has been touched with the spirit and all. Jesus, praise be his name, said - "

I couldn't take it any more and interrupted before she could go any further.

"Eileen, his name is Jesus, or Christ, or Jehovah, but not Praise. Get over yourself, already." I wanted to tell her his name was Jordan, but I didn't think she would get the joke.

This only seemed to make matters worse, as she droned on. "It's a real shame you weren't here, Jordan, so you could be touched by the spirit, too. It's okay though, because when you come to our first service, you'll see how things really are. I'll have Harley do some extra preaching and praying for you. If that doesn't work, G.O.D. said it's okay for Harley to use any means available to make those reluctant to follow us fall down on their knees for G.O.D.."

I knew, of course, that this was not what I, er, Jesus, said, but I wasn't going to tell her so. I was beginning to think that I might never be able to tell any of my friends about my adventure. I don't think they could handle it, and it may not be in my best interest.

"Okay, Eileen, but what's with the funny looking pews? And why the stupid, er... I mean interesting name?" I wanted to get her off the Jesus subject, and fast. It was a little bit too much to ask me to keep from correcting her.

"Well, Jordan, the Grill and Tabernacle was Harley's idea. He said the reason people fell asleep in church was because they were hungry and dreaming about Sunday lunch. We're going to include a nice hot meal in the cover charge."

"Uh....cover charge?" I'm not a real good Christian or anything, but I'm pretty sure G.O.D. doesn't want his preachers charging to get into church.

"Jordan, you're so silly sometimes. We have to have some way to pay the bands. Besides, we have limited seating and we have to have some way to control the mobs that will be flocking here."

"Bands? What kind of bands and why?"

"Oh, Jordan, it's so exciting. We've gotten calls from every major music and recording star. The ones that G.O.D. left, that is. Everyone wants to perform at Harley's, since they saw him annointed on t.v. And Harley's only taking a small percentage of the door money. It's the only charitable thing to do. G.O.D. wouldn't want him to be greedy."

I had decided that after living through the Rapture, and even being appointed a Disciple of G.O.D., some people were not going to get it. I could almost hear Merlin saying, "I told you so." It was time for me to leave, before I said something I would regret.

"Well, Eileen, this is all very nice, but I need to get going," I said as I started toward the door.

"Wait, Jordan. Take a look at the menu we are going to have printed. Once you see the great food that we'll have, I know you'll want to come to every service."

I couldn't think of a polite way to say, "I would rather rot in hell with Satan's Demons and a pitchfork up my ass," so I took the piece of paper she was holding out to me and read it. This was just what I needed to put me back in the right frame of mind. It was so funny that I couldn't help but grin. The lucky parishioners at Harley's would have their selection of things like: Holy Mackerel in Divinity Sauce, Heavenly Hot Dogs with Rapture Relish, Jesus Macaroni and Cheese, and Aporkalypse Chops with Armageddon Applesauce.

I handed the menu back to Eileen, grabbed her in my arms, and planted a big smooch right on her lips. I stepped back and went out the door before she could say another word.

As I headed toward the pick-up, my buddies under the tree started yelling to me as they stood up in unison. It would have looked kind of graceful of them, until Billy Clyde tripped over that large tree root. He was in between Johnny Ray and Bubba Dean and grabbed each of them by a shirt sleeve in an attempt to stop his fall. This, of course, did nothing but bring the other two down with him. I could almost hear the clunking of their heads banging into each other as they all went to the ground in a heap. It looked so much like something I had seen in an old Three Stooges rerun that I finally had to give in and let all that built up laughter out. Mo, Larry, and Curly. Yeah, those are my boys.

As I stood there, holding my sides, Billy managed to get untangle himself from the other two and walked toward me, yelling, "Hey Jordan! Wanna go out to your place and crack open a keg? Your house is a lot nicer than this nasty bar anyway, since Harley forced us to help remodel it. Where were you anyways? We really could have used you. You know you've always been the brains of our group."

"I took a little vacation, Billy Clyde."

"Vacation? What are you talking about, Jordan? You never go anywhere without us guys. Why, we haven't spent more than a day apart since junior high school."

All I could do was giggle and say, "Maybe I'll tell you guys all about it someday," as I waved him off and got into Whitey. I started her up and headed toward home, hoping Harley was gone and I could just spend some time with Digger and relax.
I mouthed a "Thank you" up toward the sky and Merlin, when I got home and found my refrigerator full of beer. I knew it had to be him, cause Harley sure wouldn't have put it there. I would miss that nice old alien, but not enough that I was sorry I didn't go with him

Harley seemed to have cleared out for the day, so I did exactly what I had planned on doing. I sat on the porch, finished off a twelve pack of beer, and hugged my dog. By the time I had thrown the last beer can into the front yard, I was too drunk care about anything, but still sober enough to find the bed. Digger and I flopped on my bed and I slept the sleep of the dead, as they say. After all, I was dead, in a way. Wasn't I?

Chapter 28 - Eternity in Paradise, Please G.O.D. NO!

Okay, so there I was, safe at home at last in a world I know longer recognized. Sitting on the top step of the porch that didn't sag, sucking down a can of Coors that didn't have refrigerator crud on the bottom of it, throwing sticks at Digger. After the fourth or fifth stick hit him in the head, he decided to move. I was out of sticks anyway and he never was quite the same after being caught in that tornado.

It had been two weeks since the end of my adventure, and I was beginning to get a little bored. Okay, crazy-out-of-my-mind hysterical want to kill something bored. Harley sent someone by every couple of days to see if I needed anything and to take care of any incidental chores around the house, like mowing and stuff. I knew this wasn't part of the deal with Jesus, but apparently Harley wasn't taking any chances.
I tried to engage these people in a little conversation, but all they wanted to talk about was Brother Harley and the good food at the services. I made it to one service, just out of curiosity, but I couldn't bring myself to go back. The food was good, and Harley even waved the cover charge for me, but looking at the juke box just brought back memories and made me miss the good old days.

Even the news was boring. Reports of good deeds and cures and peace get pretty dull after a while. It's nice at first, but news of a famine or war would have been a little exciting. There weren't even any more sports, since they were now considered too competitive and the world had banned anything that made one person seem better than another. We were all equals now, equally boring. Everyone was just being too damned nice to each other. It wasn't natural, or interesting. Though the tax refunds pouring out from the IRS were mighty nice. Now that politicians thought it might be in their interest to be honest and actually do their jobs every one was raking in the money. Especially the churches.

I had quickly decided that there was no point in telling anyone the truth about the Rapture. People would rather believe a good t.v. show than the truth. And the aliens had certainly put on the all-time great t.v. show. Besides, it was probably hazardous to my health, whether they believed me or not. I was even beginning to wish I had gone with the colonists. It s not like they sold liquor in Oklahoma or Kansas any more. The boys were talking about starting up the old still Grandpa used during prohibition.

I had taken Cali out a few times and cut through some trees and other things around the farm. That was fun for a while, but soon lost its appeal. It was a real drag not being able to show Cali to the guys. I probably could have made up some story for having this sword, if I could count on Cali to keep his mouth shut. It's hard to think of a logical explanation for a talking sword, and I quickly learned why Merlin had thrown Cali out the airlock. I don't know how he stood it for as long as he did.
Having someone to talk to about my adventure, (even if it was only a sword), was great at first. But then Cali wouldn't shut up about Mordred and Lancelot and that whole bunch. It was driving me nuts. The last straw was when he started complaining that he needed a real battle and real blood.

I didn't take him too seriously until I caught him trying to coax Digger into the bedroom one day. That's when I put him in the large storage freezer on the back porch. I told him he couldn't come out until he learned to behave, and at least I couldn't hear his mouth running, with the freezer lid closed. This morning I took him back out of the freezer and after his shivering and complaints died down I held him in the air and clicked my heels three times chanting it's time to go home over and over again,

Nothing happened except for Cali telling me I looked like an idiot and would I please consider getting him a new master that isn't crazy. I put him back in the freezer. Don't know what I had been expecting but anything would have broken up the monotony of my days. Hell I didn't even have any reason to fly Betty anymore now that the crops were all weed and bug free from all the new technology, not to mention the new topsoil.

I watched Digger wander back and forth across the lawn sniffing at rocks and barking at things only he could see. After sucking down my last drag of beer I tossed the empty can into the yard with a yawn, (what the hell, the next guy Harley sent over would pick it up), and stood to go inside and grab another. That was when the one and only bush in my yard suddenly burst into flames.

Now, normally this would have been okay with me. The bush was more like an overgrown weed, anyway. But, after all the G.O.D. stuff I'd been through, burning bushes were not something I was real happy about. I thought maybe if I just ignored it, it would burn out and go away. So I kept walking for the door, trying to escape. I guess I really knew it was more than just a burning bush, but you can't blame me for hoping. Must have been a delayed reaction to that clicking heel thing. I never did know when to leave good enough alone.

The closer I got to the door the heavier the air around me became. It was worse than walking uphill against a Kansas wind. It felt like I was trying to navigate through swamp mud, carrying weights. I came to a stop one step from the door, my leg frozen in mid step and my arms unable to move my hands any closer to the door. I struggled against the force for as long as I could, but in the end, I had to turn around. The bush was still burning, but I was able to regain control of my body by moving away from the door and closer to the bush. Any other direction just started the whole mud walk over again. Then, the bush spoke.

"Jordan, come to me," boomed through the atmosphere around me, nearly throwing me to my knees as it reverberated through the ground around me. I was beginning to get scared. The G.O.D. computer had never done anything like this before. At least not without the mothership.

I decided I might as well get it over with and walked, while I still could, over to the bush. Upon closer examination I decided it was pretty cool. The bush was burning away, but you could see the bush through the flames. It wasn't burning up or nothing. I could see why ole Charlton Heston liked the effect so much. Only thing is, I bet his clothes never caught on fire when he got too close. The sleeve of my favorite flannel burst into flames, scaring the shit out of me. Literally.
I ran toward the horse trough, even though they tell you not to run when you catch on fire. Yeah, right. Like if your shirt was burning off of you, you wouldn't go jump in the nearest water. Poor Digger. That damn dog just couldn't get out of my way and I brushed his tail with my arm as I was waving it back and forth and it went up like an old hay bale. It' a good thing dogs don't need their tails for balance, like cats do.

Anyway, I jumped into the trough, fearing for my life. As soon as I had the fire out and was breathing a sigh of relief, I was picked up out of the trough and went flying through the air, landing right back in front of that bush. My shirt wasn't even burned, but I kept my distance this time, just in case.

"What's wrong, Jordan? Don't you trust me? I got you back here, didn't I?" boomed the voice. I was pretty sure I had a good idea what was going on, but I decided I better check things out and make sure someone wasn=t just pulling a fast one on me.
"Who are you?" I demanded.

"Can you not tell who I am? Is not every particle of your being shivering in delight at my presence?" Now that he mentioned it, I was shivering, but I thought that was just from the wet clothes.

"I am God!"

"Not you again. I thought you were gone," I said, breathing a sigh of relief. It was just my favorite troublemaking computer.

"No, not that G.O.D. THE God!" the bush bellowed in time with lightening strikes toppling trees as they danced around the farm.

"Yeah, right. I am supposed to believe that. I mean Merlin and Goliath and them have been looking for you for a really long time, and now you're talking to me?"

"They tend to work better when I leave them alone. I was planning on making everything happen just like it says in the Bible, myself. But they were doing such a good job of spreading the word, I figured I wouldd just let them keep on spreading"

That's so cruel. And so damn funny. I laughed at the thought of Merlin=s face if he had heard that. "But why are you talking to me?"

"I have been watching you, Jordan. You performed well in my absence and I feel you deserve a reward, so I am granting you immortality. You, along with those you anointed, will be a new group of prophets who will never grow old. You will be the eternal proof of my existance"

At this point my stomach was rolling and rolling at the thought of being bored for millennia.

"It has been interesting being involved in worldly affairs these last few days. Something I have not done in ages. So, I have decided to change my ways and get truly involved with my followers again, the way they keep asking me to. And you, Jordan, will be my right hand man - my new Messiah. You will help me fight evil and grant prayers. It is an honor I have not granted any soul since that of my son."

"Fuck, no! Are you nuts?" I screamed, unable to even envision my life as a helper to God. then I remembered who I was talking to.

"Uh, sorry God. I've had enough adventure to last me three lifetimes. I like bored. I like death. I am sure heaven is much better than being alive forever. I just want to sit here and throw sticks at Digger, drink beer, and be a normal man."

At this the burning stopped and a light wave appeared in front of me. God was now the shimmering outline of good looking man in his mid thirties sitting on the back of a spectral Harley Davidson. He looked deeply into my eyes and I knew that this was the real thing. My mind started reeling off information that I hadn't remembered for the last two decades.

Everything was sucked out in a mere moment of time. I couldn't have moved at that moment even if the whole world was on fire. I felt great love and happiness while he was invading my mind. I wanted him there forever and I physically lurched towards him when he withdrew.

"If you consent to follow me and be my Messiah, you can have this," he said with a wave of his hands. Instantly, the woman of my dreams appeared before me. She was completely nude, of course. Okay, I know I said this a time or two before, but this woman was a combination of Lana, Amy, and that Amazon chick in the cave. My tongue fell to my chin and I began dripping saliva onto the front of my shirt. My hard-on was instantaneous and painful. Just as I was about to whip it out and impress this woman, she disappeared. Of course.

"See, Jordan. The perks you get when you work for me are the best. Who else offers women and everlasting life?"

"No, I don't think it's a good idea," I said fumbling to get everything situated back in my pants. "That last job did me in. I want to stay home a while and relax. Why don't you come back in a couple of weeks, maybe I'll be bored enough to join you then?"

"How about this, Jordan? I will put you somewhere to think about it and when I need you, I will call."

"How will I know it's you, God?" I asked.

"Do not worry Jordan, you will know."

The world started spinning around me once more and a tornado appeared in the sky from nowhere. I felt like Dorothy as I watched my house and everything else I owned spinning circles around me. I grabbed good ole Digger as fast as I could and kept my eyes on Betty. She was going into the tornado, too, and I was really hoping she didn't run into me. I wish God didn't have to be so dramatic and would just blink me somewhere like Jeannie did to Major Nelson in that show years ago. I guess I should have gone willingly.

I might have fainted, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I buried my face in Digger's nasty smelling fur and the next thing I knew, I was face down on the ground, spitting leaves.

I opened my eyes and guess where I was. Right in the middle of that damned clearing again, watching Digger chase Nymphs in circles and bark at the large group of Fairies that were flying over them and giggling. Behind me was my house, sitting pretty as you please, at the edge of the clearing. I could see Betty, bent and crumpled, in the treetops.

"Shit!" I screamed. It looked like he meant for me to stay here for a while, this time.

"Okay, God. What am I supposed to do now? I can't fly home thanks to what you did to poor Betty. Playing with the Nymphs and Fairies will sure be fun, but that'll take a whole fifteen minutes. What do I do then?" I asked the air around me. "And where's the woman?"

Suddenly a palm tree burst into flames. You would think he would get tired of that trick, but he must like fire. Maybe God was a pyromaniac. A voice boomed out at me from the fire.

"Well, Jordan, until I need you, there are plenty of things you could do. The G.O.D. computer needs help answering all the email for the website. You could help him flag down the really important prayers that I should look at. His idea of what is important is not always perfect."

"Then there are the Trolls, who need a strong leader. My Fairies have not had a real person to talk to on a regular basis for years. You can teach them what life is like now in the real world. If nothing else, you can always write a book. There have not
been any good books written about me lately. I think I need to expand upon my ten commandments. You can help with that too. I need someone to hand carve them. They always look more authentic that way."

My mind was reeling as he went on and on, listing all the things I needed to do. So much for loafing on the porch and throwing sticks at Digger. Having the computer at my command might me fun. Ole Hal and I can go looking for people to torment. I wasn't paying attention until I heard,

"As for the woman, she will show up eventually. You need to learn patience, they say it is a virtue. Well, get yourself settled in, Jordan. I will get back to you after I finish some work in another quadrant of the universe. There are these evil snake demons trying to take over one of my planets and I need to cast them back into the real Hell. And remember Jordan - some things were here before the aliens."

I never saw him leave but I heard the roar of the Ghost Harley as he sped off into the sun. I walked slowly up the porch steps, surrounded by flitting Fairies and giggling Nymphs, directly to the kitchen and to the fridge and grabbed myself another beer, wondering what he was talking about with things older than the aliens. Then I carried the beer back to my room where I thought maybe I could go to sleep and wake up back in Oklahoma.

She was the first thing I saw when I walked into the room. There in my little twin bed was the woman, fast asleep with the sheet pulled up over her naked shoulders. She looked beautiful and innocent in her slumber. Slowly I laid myself down next to her, squeezing close and cuddling her bare back.

She woke briefly, situating her body even closer to mine. Then she spoke in a lilting English accent. "Thank you Jordan, for releasing me from the sword. Now I am yours forever."

I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face and a prayer of thanks in my heart, snuggling next to my perfect woman, Cali, the lady of the sword. As I drifted into dreamland, her voice echoed in my ears.

"No more locking me in the freezer, okay?"